Little feet, little hands, little baby

My dearest Emily, The past few months have brought so much change for you. Watching you develop is amazing! Just a little while ago you could only express yourself with chubby smiles, clumsy hand gestures, and mournful wailing. But now, now you have all of this character pouring out of you. Each new event with you is an adventure and doing the same old stuff again just leads to new discoveries. We ended October with a trip to the zoo in Houston. It was here that I truly realized your future as a debutant. After grabbing our attention with indignant shrieks about our inability to properly identify the jungle cats you very calmly informed us all that it was neither a lion nor a leopard but a "key cat." You did this with a disdainful haughtiness unsurpassed even by Queen Mary when inviting her subjects to eat cake. I think my favorite part of November was discovering how polite you are becoming. We can prompt you into a "please" and almost all of your "thank yous" come of your own volition. I love the way they burst out of you as you excitedly receive whatever it is you have asked for. Grandma and Granddad worked so hard with you on table manners and have been successful in getting you to request that you be "es-cuesed" from the table upon meal completion. It is really quite cute. The most heartwarming instances of your decorum occurred over the Thanksgiving weekend. I spent Friday night after you went to bed making a wreath for our front door. You helped pick out the materials so it was a very pink holiday decoration. Upon waking you Saturday and showing you my creation you clapped a hand on either side of your face and exclaimed "iss so pwetty!" I got a response of equal rapture when I changed into my skirt and top for Granddad the Great's birthday/Thanksgiving Lunch Extravaganza. I truly felt pretty. I have to say, though, that your taste in music is a little questionable. I never would have imagined that at the tender age of two, one could memorize the lyrics to "Oops I did it Again." I have no problem with Britney Spears. I am, in fact, quite the fan. However, must we really listen to it over and over again for the duration of every car ride at the risk plaintive shrieks and tears for withholding this musical treasure? I really think not. Plus, it is just disturbing that you look at me with those big blue eyes and liltingly proclaim "I not dat inncent."

Solicited Advice

The problem I see is that you write the way you think instead of with a focused message.Stephen King, not the most literary, I know, says that if you want to write you have to read four hours a day and write four hours a day.

Is it Thursday already?

Why yes, yes it is. This week has flown by after taking two days off to start, work on and finish my criminology paper. I could attribute my procrastination to being that busy but really I'm just that stupid. In the end though, I'm pretty happy with the results. I turned that paper in at the literal last minute. It was due by 4:30 yesterday. I typed my heading and flew out my front door at 4:15. The four block drive took the longest seven minutes EVER. I parked on Southside and RAN to the Academic Building. I ran. Yes, the girl who believes running is an affront to the nature of the modern biped double-timed for a whole six and a half minutes. My lungs nearly burst as I took the stairs up to the third story and had the TA initial my paper as turned in at 4:30:47. Oh yes, 13 seconds from being late. Do they give out prizes for cutting it that close? I think they should. I ran for more than six minutes I deserve a cookie or a tiny gold-plated statue or a damn sticker. After that I walked in a deep breathing, burning lungs accompanied by hacking sort of way back to my car. I'm sure I sounded like I'd been a chain smoker for 20 years.

The second major goal of my two days as just a student and not a working parent was to get my passport. Allow me to burst out in skeptical laughter. I turned in my paper with 13 seconds to spare, do we really think I made time to get my passport. Negatory. However, on my way to pick up Emily I did manage to get the picture for my passport taken. Now let's ponder this for a second. I had a day off. I did school work all day. I had just finished running. Of course it looks like a glamor shot. How could it not? I am recovering from a bad haircut, am broken out enmasse from stress and had on no makeup. Wait, I had on lip-gloss. That's something. Regardless, it is possibly the worst passport photo taken in the history of identification photos. I look every bit the stressed, harried working student mother of a toddler. I love it. It is the perfect sort of picture to kick off my trip to the Caymans in January. It just screams "this girl is bound for romance in the islands." Yeah, yeah, I know what you are thinking: everybody takes bad ID photos. I do not. This is the girl who painstakingly curled, primped, make-uped and dressed for every drivers license photo. I am a disgrace to myself. But one who can laugh.

In other news, Emily is quite possibly the cutest child ever. Our usual routine is, pick up, get home and skeeze out before making dinner. Last night Em asked to brush my hair for the first time. So there I knelt on the bathroom floor while my tot clumsily ran her tiny little comb through my too-short hair. She even picked out a pony tail holder and repeatedly placed it on top of my head before pulling it off and exclaiming "no Mama, thas not wite. I messt it up." It was the crowning moment of parenthood. She finally gave up when Donna arrived for dinner but those five minutes were just perfect. They can only be topped by our nightly ritual when I lay in bed with her (child rearing critics be damned!) and she strokes my face until she drifts off. Somehow those golden moments make it perfectly acceptable to put off homework and take bad photos.

And fly away to somewhere new

Is there a place where we could gowhere the sun is always just about to set?I want to sit with you and watch a flaming balldip into the sea on a backdrop of dim stars that are just waking.I could look at you and breathe air that smells like salt and vanilla and some unknown spice.There would be a balcony where we would sit and I would be stillbecause the waves would act out all that is tumultuous within meand pull it away into the sea.Is there such a place for you and me?

And you, you don't even know what it is that you're fighting for

See my new icon? Isn't it fitting? I made it this week. I loved the (cynical?) humor of it, but the more I look at it... *sigh* It just captures the essence of tomorrow so perfectly. Every night this week has led to less and less sleep under the dread that will accompany my alarm clock in the morning. Tomorrow was not supposed to come. I was not supposed to stare at another wedding anniversary. It should just be another day. I digress. Tomorrow symbolizes the casualty of the world over when it comes to approaching love. The ease with which people back away from promises of eternity. *insert bitter laugh* It wasn't supposed to be like this. I do still love you. I can't tell you that because it will just lead to a spiral of misinterpreted words. We cannot be, but I don't think you know that. It's ruined. I stopped trying. I backed away from forever because I was tired. And love is inconsequential. It means nothing to feel it if you aren't in it. One day I hated you. For a second I hated you with all I had. And then it all changed. You can't go back after a second like that. It's like everything in a room has been moved a quarter of an inch to the left. You can't see the change, but you can feel it. And I let it all change. I promised. I promised and then I ripped us both apart breaking that promise. Somehow you still have me, or something like me, on that damn pedestal. Let me down. There is someone better who will sit there willingly. You're still fighting with me over something that isn't real. You have no idea, really, what you are fighting for...

Here's to the liars and the cheaters...

Well kids, I think I've made a breakthrough. Maybe even, dare I say it, grown up a bit. See, I've been dating. Sort of.And it would seem that in the beginning, when Jesse first left, I had the very good luck of being sort of looked after by people who were respectable. Some were partiers, I won't deny that, but they always helped look after me, didn't really take advantage of how lost and lonely I was, let me cry and whine and call or come by at all hours, etc. But now...Ugh. I have gotten to a point with some people where I would rather be alone, nay long to be alone, instead of accommodate their company. I am fully aware that this is a rather snobby thing to say, but seriously. I am sick of boys who want our time together to be a secret. I am tired of being asked for blow jobs or fielding inquiries about my undertbritches. And for goodness sake, stop trying to kiss me and whip it out at the same time. No, bigger is not better. No, I do not NEED to have sex to make me feel better. UGH Is there no couth left in the world? I just want to scream. Seriously, I am better than this. I know I am. I deserve better. Respect the fact that I have a kid and no, I cannot just "put her to bed early." So not only am I more appreciative of my original support network, I am resolving to be more selective about my company. I have definitely interacted with some high caliber people and have enjoyed my time with them immensely. Okay, here's to the liars and the cheaters and drawing boundaries.

Emily!

Stars appear in my eyes at the exact moment a toddler turns to my friend, throws open her arms and says "hug!" They sparkle when she gets on the phone to tell my best friend "goonight bye. sweet dreams goonight," and he thanks me for letting him talk to her because he likes my kid.

Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof

I am not even sure where to start. I guess Friday would work. That is indeed the day I got my NEW CAR! Yay me. It is a Dodge Stratus and Mommy bought it for me. I feel like a complete and total spoiled brat, but a very grateful and happy one. My car was all but useless and now I have a four-door and can finally split my insurance from Jesse. However, since I had planned on my car being in the shop I asked my folks to keep Em for the night and they did. I tidies and did some schoolwork and then explored exactly how weak my resolve is. It's weak. Way weak. I had an oldish friend give me a ring on Thursday so I invited him to watch a flick Friday. We spent time catching up and by time I mean all night and we caught up so well that I'm right back where I was with him in April. Great. I don't know how he does this to me. Additionally I am no longer sure if I do this because I have low self esteem and think I need it or if I just use low self-esteem as an excuse to do this. It's awful and there is always this kind of aftermath. It's like, he doesn't make me a priority so when he chooses to bestow time on me I always feel so much more important and I am willing to drop everything. Really, this is a head in my hands moment, but it is a mistake I enjoy making again and again because the during is so damn fun.And then Saturday came. Saturday came along with the paperwork for my new car *squeeeeal* And then I took my car for a little jaunt to Texas City to see HAVA AND RYAN! EMily and I had such a good time seeing H and R and then Tracy and Zane came and Kathy was there. Emily went to bed and slept way better than last time. I got to indulge in a little girl talk and a little bitching and being catty and just being a girl! Kathy brought great wine. (Oh that reminds me, Hava, can she reccommend some good reds? Ben is coming in December and I want to start stocking up now.) It was great. It was also great that Ban called while I was there. Apparently I make a "talking to Ben" face. Oops. Tracy totally let me Mary Kay her on Sunday. And Julie came over with her new sparkly (yay Julie and Blake!). Then it was the zoo, which was sooo crowded. But the drive there with Julie and Hava and a sleeping Emily was so nice. The weather was beautiful, the company was good...I hated to leave.But leave I did. I got back home and picked up some dinner for me and the kiddo. We ate, got Emily bathed and fell asleep watching Lady and the Tramp. Monday got here entirely too soon. *sigh* So now the week is here and I am exhausted, but such is life. At least I've been in a good mood. I was giggling yesterday because there were about 1000 elementary school kids on campus. They were so cute in their little lines holding hands ans they wandered around all timid or boisterous. And I don't want to hear comments from anyone on just being excited that there were folk on campus my height because almost all of them were shorter than me, especially the first graders. If I can finagle things with Jesse, I can do Thanksgiving with Hava and Ryan, which would be soooo nice. Yay holiday season!On a side note: I do NOT strut!

Emily!

Proud laughter is brought on by conversations like the following:
H: Look Emily, that's an iguana. It's a type of lizard.
E: No! It is not a lizard.
H: Yeah, it's a lizard.
E: No Aunt Hafa, it is NOT a lizard. It is a agililata.

and later...

R:Emily! What sound does a leopard make?
Emily, just looks at Ryan with a puzzled and slightly disdainful face.
J: Emi, a leopard makes a sound like a Lion: Rrrrar!
E: No! It is not a lion! (said rather shrilly and with a slap to the fence)
J: That's right baby, it is a leopard
E: No! It is NOT a leopard! (more angrily still and with another punctuating slap to the fence)
J: Okay sweetie, then what is it?
E: It is a key cat and it says meow meow. (quite calmly)

On the other hand, sad sighs of happiness occur when one checks on her toddler and realizes she has covered herself with her comforter sometime in the middle of the night. My baby is becoming self-sufficient!

And were all grown now, but we dont know how to get it back to good

Yay sleep. I think I may finally be caught up. Watch me screw that up this week. Heh. Saturday Jesse picked up Emily a little after 10:00 to start his weekend with her. She was looking a little ragamuffinish, but what's a girl to do? If the kid doesn't want to take off her footie pajamas (and who could blame her) or have her hair brushed then the kid doesn't want to take off her PJs and have her hair brushed. It's just frustrating because I discovered Jesse's MySpace page this week and in all his pictures of her she looks soooo unkempt. Plus, upon picking her up I found out that they were going to a company picnic at which the US Senate would be present. Great. Now he can tell them that I sent her to him in that condition. *sigh*I digress (surprise surprise). Jesse picked up Emily a little after 10:00 and I promptly put my ass in bed. I was really only going to sleep for a couple of hours. Ha! At about 10 to 5:00 I became coherent and rolled my butt out of bed. I was disgusting. It had seriously been Thursday since my last shower and I was all kinds of ick. *shudder* I plopped in front of the TV for a bit with some ice cream (it had also been since Friday night that I last ate - a good 20 hours) and then took a loooooong hot bath. After the bath I actually felt great! Sometimes a lot of sleep can make a girl feel sluggish, but I felt more like myself than I really have in weeks.I powered through laundry and cleaning house before my daily chat with Ben. Oh Ben. *smile, sigh, and wonder at self for ability to complicate thing* Things with Ben feel so right. We are NOT together. But we aren't not together....This is not the point of this post. I'll leave Ben for another day. A day when I feel like wallowing in smiles and a racing heart.So actually poor Ben was the recipient of a bunch of bitching from yours truly. See, on Friday he told me that Kim had told him that I have a cute kid because she'd seen pictures of Em on Jesse's MySpace page. So on Saturday I mentioned it to Jesse who said she had actually messaged him. Grrr. I hate MySpace. As if the website were to blame for my interpersonal issues. I asked if he was going to message her back. His answer? Maybe. Maybe? Maybe! Excuse me while I overcome the sudden pain in my chest. I spent years defending her to him. I wanted to have her back in my life right after Em was born and he FORBADE it. Now, here she is messaging him and he's considering taking on her friendship. What about me? How do I get my best friend back? After all his hating her how did he get so lucky? Now here I sit with a lost best friend and a lost marriage pondering the loss of another few friends over the past few months. What is wrong with me? I still can't find it. I wouldn't deny Jesse a little happiness in his new very social lifestyle, but I admit there is some jealousy and bafflement on my end. What does he have that I do not?

If poison were a girl, I think her name would be Arsenic. If I were that girl Arsenic would be misleading because Jesse could tell you that I kill slowly.

Hey Cinderella, what's this story all about

Oh my gosh! What a weekend. DC is beautiful! There are so many trees and it smells so good and the buildings are all so aesthetic. Okay, so perhaps I only saw the good parts of DC, but it was an amazing trip. The weather was good (which was excellent considering my travel attire and Texas "winter" clothes). Ben was so amazingly sweet. He even had two pairs of thigh high tube socks waiting for me upon arrival. How cute is that? Yes people, I wear thigh high tube socks. His little circle of friends are so fun I have a secret crush on both Dave and Tara now. I got to sleep almost as much as I wanted (yea down comforter for 39 degree nights)and we walked all over the mall. The monuments are soooo neat.

While some people have a very loose interpretation on what qualifies as a cocktail dress, the little group with whom we chilled all looked fantastic. I am still giggling about our dinner conversation which involved a tangent regarding hamsters and sea monkeys. *hold on, I'm really still giggling* And then the weekend was suddenly over and we had to get up before the butt crack of dawn even to get me to Baltimore. Ben asked me to stay longer. I admit, I really wanted to. Really really. We will never work. We are too much alike and too different and too far away. And absolutely at home with each other. Sigh. I'm not planning on getting my heart broken, but he's already admitted to falling and I'm not far behind. Watching him turn and walk away after I went through security definitely choked me up. So the theme for the weekend's end: epistemological dissidence is hard to say but it cannot compare to good-bye...

You drive me crazy

Sometimes I feel like life is the ugly stepsister and if I just keep taking what it throws at me I will finally get to go to the damn ball!Actually, if all goes well or even slightly okay, I will get to go to the ball on Friday. Yay DC and Ben and the Navy Ball. In the meantime, however, I have to deal with life. Life includes Jesse. The one and same who got his butt arrested on Friday and thought I wouldn't find out. His parents, of course, had Emily so at least that was a load off my mind. Still, sigh. He begs and begs to keep joint custody and I know he loves Em and I know Beth and Allen love her, but this is getting ridiculous. Not that I haven't been guilty of getting a babysitter on my weekends, but I don't get one every one of my weekends. And why is it bad that I took up smoking but not bad that he got arrested? I'm finding it really hard to be fair lately. I guess I just need someone to show up and tell me some good things about this guy.Where is the boy I fell in love with? The one with a great job and good looks and good values? Where is the man I was married to for so long who never wanted to go out and thought drinking with friends a waste of money? Where is the that guy who wanted six kids and adored having Emily clamber all over him while he prepped his biking equipment? I suppose he's asking where the girl he married is...

Emily!

Troubles become inconsequential at exactly the point when your toddler tells you that she cannot brush her teeth because "I am bissy, Mama," and then later answers the question of going to bed with "I can't, I am too bissy right now."

twist and cry a kiss on your molten eyes

I am Janice's seething anger boiling up to choke her, bile and black. I am knots of stress spreading through her shoulders and neck. I am molten tears stinging her eyes and making them burn like charcoal briquetts. I am a heavy sense of hopelessness pressing on her lungs with such strength she thinks her sternum may crack. I am dark despair winning the battle against determination.I sited my goals. I kept my eye on them. I kept climbing towards them even when tired, out of breath, and financially strapped. Then, between the car wreck, the dismissed divorce case, the less than excellent school work and the maxed out credit I looked down to find that the staircase I had been laboriously scaling was actually the down escalator. I can see rock bottom again. It's jagged and craggy. Suddenly, I can't breath.

A dream is a wish...no, wait....

I had the oddest dream last night. Rather, I had it today since I slept until 4 this afternoon. Ugh. I wish I could remember it all but some of the elements keep sort of fading in and out of my mind.

I have a friend on Facebook named Catharine that I went to high school with. She recently got married. In my dream, though, she had to pretend to die in order to do it. I remember she got dressed up, but not in her wedding gown and someone buried her...Let's see. It was in a cave or underground, but I know someone still had to dig a grave and cover her with dirt...She took some sort of drink that would make it so she didn't suffocate but she wasn't buried in a coffin because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to break out of it. And I guess I was in on the plan because my mom told me to tell Cat to be careful about the way she e-mailed because she (my mom) had gotten a copy. There was something about a swimming pool and a Sonic. And I went to some sort of meeting in the Texas A&M Tennis Complex stands. DW sat behind me and was outrageously flirty and a little handsy as well. I got all upset because it was bringing back feelings that I'd been working to suppress. For some reason I was constantly walking out to my car for a cigarette...

Very strange.

I had the oddest dream last night. Rather, I had it today since I slept until 4 this afternoon. Ugh. I wish I could remember it all but some of the elements keep sort of fading in and out of my mind. I have a friend on Facebook named Catharine that I went to highschool with. She recently got married. In my dream though she had to pretend to die in order to do it. I remember she got dressed up, but not in her wedding gown and someone buried her...Let's see. It was in a cave or underground, but I know someone still had to dig a grave and cover her with dirt...She took some sort of drink that would make it so she didn't suffocate but she wasn't buried in a coffin because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to break out of it. And I guess I was in on the plan because my mom told me to tell Cat to be careful about the way she e-mailed because she (my mom) had gotten a copy. There was something about a swimming pool and a Sonic. And I went to some sort of meeting in the Tennis Complex stands. Drew sat behind me and was outrageously flirty and a little handsy as well. I got all upset because it was bringing back all those feelings that I've been working to supress. For some reason I was constantly walking out to my car for a cigarette...Very strange. Reading over it it seems kind of cheesy but I know it just had this really dark foreboding feeling...

Oh where to start...I've been talking to Ben daily lately. It's practically the only time I feel good these days. I'm not sure what to think of that. He and Kim have been fighting something awful. I love the way he confides in me and I wish I still had her to do the same. Funny isn't it? This kind of brings me to a point. Last night while Ben was telling me about his recent and repeated arguments with Kim he sort of struck something in me. Apparently Kim is insistent upon having the same fight over and over again and then coming to the same conclusions. Gee Janice, relate much? Ben told me that he thinks it might just be a military thing but that he has no problem letting go of things. You enjoy them while you have them and then when they change or the situation changes you move on. Maybe I should spend a little time thinking about that. How do you change that you hold onto things, I wonder. How do you stop your mind from dwelling and your heart from longing; even when you know things will never be like they were. I suppose in my case I also have to add even when things are not what you imagined. I wonder if I would be happier if I could crack that little secret...

And there are always reasons to get up in the morning

"Mama! You have on a dwess. I have on a dwess! *squeal and giggle*!" - Emily Dawn
"The first time I met you all I could think was 'here is the modern southern belle." - Dana K.
"You make me laugh! :) I love that you are pumped that there are pink M&Ms!" - Sarah G.
"I'm glad she has friends like you."  - Ryan R.
"She caught my eye while i was dancing with another girl. it's all her fault :). "- Ben H.
"How sweet are you? haha u seem like a lot of fun too!" -Stephanie M.
Yesterday I got the shocking surprise of a check in the mail which led to hysterical laughing and crying simultaneously and the following conversation: "Are you okay?" "Oh yeah! Better than. It's just I was broke and my little girl wanted grapes and then I got this check and now I can get groceries and I must seem like I'm insane, but I really really needed this!" "Oh my God! *hug* That's awesome! I totally understand being broke. Do you need to sit down? My name is Mindy."
"aw you make me smile!" - Chelsea L.
"In fact, I'd say we're best friends." -Ben B.
"You are a pretty awesome friend too!!!!" - Katie F.
"Your creativity cracks me up!" - Katie W.
"Why Ms Janice, you look lovely." - Jessica G.
"thank u girl....u was cute today when u was jumping around so happy..." -Lenka Z.
I am all about the random "conversation" on LJ with Allison and Freckles that led to so many laughs and a possible new friendship. Still haven't found a way to um emphasize those buds...
Don't worry. You have amazing will and confidence so don't give me any of that." -Clare K.
"You've already surprised me." -David W.
"Smile Beautiful." -Robert M.
"Now this girl has got some boots!" -Donald T.
"Honey, you need to be loved more than any one person can give you. But you deserve it..." -Jessica C.
"I knew that you'd be the one to excited for me" - Kim S

and all those times someone told me they loved me with absolute sincerity...

It's only make believe

It's only make believe.It isn't real.If I close my eyes and I reach out,there's nothing there to feel.It's only make believe.If I breathe slow and deep,and tell myself the fear and pain are fakemaybe I can get some sleep.

She flips a penny over but just so she can pick it up for luck

Oddly, I don't really feel like journaling today, but I somehow feel that I ought to. I suppose I want to sort of keep track of my life these days so I can look back on it and see it a little better. I have no idea...This weeken was Alfee's last in College Station. I guess I was due for a few days of extreme ups and downs. It's been some time. Nothing was particularly horrible about it. Saturday was early as it usualy is with Emily. Her dad was late picking her up because he overslpet. Still, after he took me to drop off my car for repairs (goody) I managed to get a lot done. Cleaned the whole house, finished some laundry, sorted through a pike of paperwork. After that I was off to tailgate before the football game (by myself ). I love Catharine's group of friends. Then came the rain. It was some pretty fantastic rain with awesome lightening. Sadly, this delayed the game by 2 hours, but the company was good. I did not manage to stay for the whole game. I was hungry! So before halftime I took the hike back to Reed arena for my (Donna's) car and headed home to get ready for Northgate with Alfee.Really, except for some horrendously frizzy hair, I looked pretty good. So did Alfee, who really always has. Brian and Anne came and then I met Jimmy and Robin and Adeena. It was a fun group. tHe drinking was good, the chatter was fun, memory lane had a nice path beaten down it once again. It wasn't long before we had to hit Alfee's bar, so to Harry's we went. And then there was Jesse. I was so angry. Really I know that he has every right to be there. Still, it was his weekend with Emily, why was he there? Emily was with his parents. Oh, of course. What was I thinking? Evidently she stays with them every weekend that he has her. It really makes me mad. It was everything I could do to smile and walk away and then then contain the sobs that were burning in my chest. I really have no place to judge what he does with her anymore. sHe seems happy and well-adjusted and there isn't really anything to complain about. My ruther's are no longer valid to him... Ugh. The Jesse sighting led to rather more imbibing than I had originaly intended so of course I could not get myself home. What kind of a night with me would it be if I managed to stay sober enough to drive, or sober enough to not vomit on the way home? I took a nap and awoke to finish out the party. And finally, we get to my point. Alfee started crying because he is a little scared. I told hime

Odds n weekends

Friday night was dinner with my folks pouring over their yearbooks. How I wish people still put themselves together the way they did in the sixties. So much fun! Saturday Mom and I took Emily shopping, which was not so fun. Poor Em was a terror. I'm not sure if she was tired or hungry or feeling bad or what. She was just so whiny and occasionally mean. She had to get spanked. I hate spanking her. Getting her down for a nap was no easy task either. Fortunately, it was also not an impossible task and her mood much improved after some fitful ZZZs. We took a little field-trip to the grocery store before picking up Charley for dinner. Yay Charley. I was shocked when he called but oh so happy. He always makes me laugh. Some things never change. We had a rather loooong dinner at Hullabaloos where Emily was quite entertaining. Hopefully we'll get together again soon. After putting my kiddo to bed was a nice three hour conversation with Ben. This is a little odd because we have definitely talked for more than an hour a day every day the past two weeks. It feels relationshipish and that is worrisome. I worry it'll hold him back from really finding someone. Not that I'm all that great, but he makes me feel like I am. It's a little troubling, but the conversations are so comfortable and it is nice to have a best friend again...So then Sunday rolled around (a little too early for my tastes, but eh) and Em and I lounged a bit before breakfast with Sarah. I love that girl. Breakfast was fun (and yummy) and the shopping afterward was just more good times. Now Sarah is gone and my mom is at home with Emily and I am chatting online with Ben hoping Katie calls me soon. So I feel better after all that activity. I suppose this will happen sometimes. I just have to keep trying to find that happy medium.

So apparently my journal post the other day (yesterday?) was a little premature. Evidently I was feeling that thing called lonely. I was indeed lucky enough to get some attention this weekend, and from people who don't even read my journal at that. Nice. Friday night was dinner with my folks pouring over their yearbooks. How I wish people still put themselves together the way they did in the sixties. So much fun! Saturday Mom and I took Emily shopping, which was not so fun. Poor Em was a terror. I'm not sure if she was tired or hungry or feeling bad or what. She was just so whiny and occasionally mean. She had to get spanked. I hate spanking her. Getting her down for a nap was no easy task either. Fortunately, it was also not an impossible task and her mood much improved after some fitful ZZZs. We took a little fieldtrip to the grocery store before picking up Charley for dinner. Yay Charley. I was shocked when he called but oh so happy. He always makes me laugh. Some things never change. We had a rather loooong dinner at Hullabaloos where Emily was quite entertaining. Hopefully we'll get together again soon. After putting my kiddo to bed was a nice three hour conversation with Ben. This is a little odd because we have definitely talked for more than an hour a day every day the past two weeks. It feels relationshipish and that is worrisome. I worry it'll hold him back from really finding someone. Not that I'm all that great, but he makes me feel like I am. It's a little troubling, but the conversations are so comfortable and it is nice to have a best friend again...So then Sunday rolled around (a little too early for my tastes, but eh) and Em and I lounged a bit before breakfast with Sarah. I love that girl. Breakfast was fun (and yummy) and the shopping afterward was just more good times. Now Sarah is gone and my mom is at home with Emily and I am chatting online with Ben hoping Katie calls me soon. So I feel better after all that activity. I suppose this will happen sometimes. I just have to keep trying to find that happy medium.

And suddenly I become a part of your past. I'm becoming the part that don't last

My mood has certainly been indescribable as of late. I'm not necessarily in a bad mood, but I haven't been myself either. I feel almost like I'm harder somehow. But then again, I am not. Currently there is definitely a sore spot where my friends are concerened. They all seem to be fading away leaving a sort of empty spot with tender edges. People treat their friends as if they are disposable. Move on to the next good time. It all leaves me feeling like I am not where the good time is. Where were all the people who kept me constantly busy in the beginning? Do they think that I'm supposed to be all better now? Like everything is fine after a few months? What happened to the phone calls and the stopping by or letting me cook you dinner? Where are those invites to ride with you on deliveries or watch movies late at night? Just because I don't need you like I used to doesn't mean that I don't need those things at all...But you know, as much as that bothers me, that is still not the whole of the problem. Everybody is scattering. Galveston, DC, Denton, Houston. Sheila left for Thailand. I want the very best for my friends, but I do miss them terribly. I just feel like an impression and nothing more. I'm still here. Don't forget about lil ol' me...

I guess I'm one more girl on the stage Just one more ass that got stuffed in some jeans

Last night I went to Northgate by myself. No one had called and I just couldn't be home by myself anymore so I took a deep breath and headed out to be by myself in public. It wasn't a bad time. I was, however, accused of being a gold-digger. Excuse me a second while I scoff. If you buy me one drink and I refuse to let you kiss me that does not make me a gold-digger. Furthermore, if that's the type of thing I was on the hunt for I would have to rather cynically point out that me chasing money while out on the town is going result in something that does me more good than what you will get out of chasing my ass. Why don't you try the wallflower instead? You'll find little genuineness hiding in the smoke of a bar my dear.

That's why the lady is a tramp

And just when I thought I was getting better it is, of course, revealed that I am no better at all, just different. I thought I was getting more confident and comfortable with myself. Evidently though I was dressing in poor taste for work and rekindling the rumors about my boss and me. Great. Part of me wants to be defensive, but part of me wants to apologize to Kevin for letting him down. Here I thought I was pulling myself together and really I was falling apart a different way. Sigh. Will I ever find a happy medium? Did I really bend the other way and come off to the world as a slut? I wonder how often I'll have to travel this road. I can't seem to figure what it is that I put out there that makes me come off this way. Do I just emmit some kind of homing beacon that says "I need you to act like you want me?" Yesterday one of my upstairs neighbors came down to get away from a party that was getting out of hand. I guess it should have struck me as weird that I suddenly had company at midnight on a Sunday. We chatted for a bit and then not only did he lean over and kiss me, but he also whipped it out. WTF?! I pushed him away and stated that I was not that girl, which seemed to confuse him. I simply asked him to leave which he did although somewhat baffled. Now what brought that on? Seriously. Now I have to think twice before answering my door. So this is the place where I sit. Wanting what I can't have, getting what I don't want and evidently presenting an image of such low caliber that I am equated with a tramp. So now the question is "how do I change again?"

Emily!

Heart melting occurs at exactly the temperature of an applesauce covered 2-year old who waves her hands and says "Mama, I need a wipe; my hands oll diwrtee."

Emily

Heart melting occurs at exactly the temperature of an applesauce covered 2-year old who waves her hands and says "Mama, I need a wipe; my hands oll diwrtee."

Its been a while since I could say I love myself as well

And so a new semester starts. I've got this sort of excited apprehension going. Like right after you take the shot but before it hits you; when you're still just hanging there wondering if the burn in your throat is the start of a good night or a bad. I can't wait. I'm finally feel like I'm getting to a good place. More precisely, I think I'm getting to a me I like. I find myself generally in a good mood. I drove to Dallas this past weekend and enjoyed my own company just fine. I have, perhaps, indulged in some less than savory vices, but... Well, there really is no legitimate "but." Frankly, I am using the excuse of getting it all out of my system until I have worn it out. I don't want to waste any more time resenting what I have because of something I think I've missed out on. So far, I've found my focus much improved and the rough patches seem to hit me less hard. Dare I say I find that snarkiness is less disturbing these days? Indeed, I think I do dare.

Emily is growing and changing beautifully. The other day she "disciplined" me. Oh yes. When I failed to hand her the requested balloon she calmly counted to three for me. It was great. Already she is trying to put her little shoes on herself and she just has such distinct ideas about how things should work. I love her so much and am so excited to see what kind of people we become. I only hope she takes some time to surpass me.

Ben's visit was amazing. Alas, I was happy to see him go. No worries, I'll be thrilled to see him again in March. His visit has provided some clarity but not as much of the expected comfort. It hurt to have to turn him down after all these years. But, the timing sucks. I'm just starting to be me, to belong to me. I don't want anyone else helping to mold that right now. I get to be mine first and for awhile. Shame on me for not seeing that sooner. But I do love him. Hopefully we'll be the best of friends. I love his insight and the way he puts things. I adore that his concept of people centers around who they would invite, dead, alive, fiction or non, to a dinner party. You see the point is to find out if they are more concerned with satisfying their own personal curiosities or with throwing a good dinner party. I would throw a damn good dinner party.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Let me count the days since I last wanted to cry. I've forgotten. Time is a fleeting concept for me as of late anyways so counting days would have been impossible. But time has perhaps started to do its work and a calm has settled around my life Don't get me wrong, I still flit through each day filling it as full as possible. Somehow, though, it doesn't feel the same as before. It's like I try to catch my breath and my lungs fill with air instead of water so I can keep going instead of sinking and sputtering.

You may have noticed that I thoroughly enjoyed my birthday. The good times did not stop on Thursday. Friday I had dinner with friends and family at La Bodega and there was much laughter. I invited like a thousand people but it turned into a more intimate group, which is typical for a Janice-related shindig. Brian from work came and was his usual sweet, chivalrous self and Katie showed with her two girls. It was great. I had sort of hoped to go to Northgate with Katie Forest (not Williams from above) but I had Em so we went home and crashed hard! We were tired bunnies. Emily even gave me the pleasure of sleeping in until 9 on Saturday and then brunch with Mom at Ozonas. I love brunch. I tried my hand at Bloody Mary making and found that I do not like Bloody Marys. I'll stick with my coffee, milk or Mimosas thankyouverymuch. In any case, us three girls had a nice morning together.

Emi went down reluctantly for a nap while I did some (a lot) of laundry. We were supposed to paint pottery w/ Katie and the girls, but U Paint It was closed for a party so we left for Galveston an hour early.

It was FANTASTIC. The driving was a little rough on Emily and there was some whining, but the arrival was great. Lots of the UTMB people were there which was heartwarming because I really really like that crowd. Emily made love to all of them and won them over instantly. Ryan seemed in Heaven and there was almost enough catch up time for me and Hava. Okay that last part is a big lie. There is never enough catch up time. I can't wait to go back though. The people, the beach, the waffles....so much goodness.

Upon my return was Ben. Oh Ben. Good old comfortable boy. The best hugs come from Ben and I got my fill. We chatted about this and that and I got to introduce Ben to Jacob who we caught in the parking lot after he left Clare's. Hopefully there will be a river trip on Thursday. That'd be great. In the meantime, I'm so happy to have my boy here. The best part: sitting on the front porch drinking wine and staring at the shell station sign across the way with my head on his shoulder. Nothing more. And my troubles seemed to melt away.

Celebrate we will

And a resounding "ahhhh." What a great day. Nothing special. Just a removal from my all too common funk. The rainclouds lifted, the sun shone, there was cake...It was a good birthday. The best, actually. I should be working (shouldn't I always?) but I want to take at least a little time to hold onto how good I feel right now. Like I've been cleaned out. Oddly, I should be tired and cranky. I couldn't fall asleep last night. I had the oddest feeling that someone would call at midnight and I would miss it. I have no idea why and of course no one did, but I couldn't shake the feeling. Emi got me up at 4:35 this morning wanting milk. *shrug* that was new. I let her "sleep"with me for two hours. She kicks. It was great! So comfortable. I let her pick out my outfit today and she did a great job. I'm all birthday cute in a skirt and pearl snap sleeveless shirt (thanks Clare) and cowboy boots. My grandparents were the first to call. My mom and Dad each called after I got to work leaving me with warm fuzzies. I dropped Emily off with no problems. Carol started singing the second I walked in. Katie got me a gift certificate for a massage and the BEST card! There was so many well wishes on Facebook and even Live Journal (yay for the actress I am stalking!). The equestrian coaches pre-ordered me a cake which had pink butter-cream icing. The business office got me a cake too. It just all felt so good! This is what I want to hold onto. Let me feel this all the time. No more worrying about not being liked or obsessing over what other folk have that I don't. I want THIS! THIS is great. *sigh and smile* What a good birthday!

Maybe this year will be better than the last...

Well kids, tomorrow is the big birthday. And the the townspeople shouted "hooray." Perhaps not. I feel...nothing. I am big on birthdays. I hate when I fail to catch a person's birthday and wish them happy returns with joyous hugging. But this year..eh *shrug*. Perhaps I am getting old. Perhaps this year has been a disappointment (gee, you think?). But my birthday falls right before a new school year and there are some good things planned for the next few days. Maybe I can do it better this time around. If not, maybe I can enjoy the screw-ups a little more.The week seems to be crawling. It is only Wednesday. I thought for sure it would be Friday by now. I have missed Emily terribly. I saw her briefly yesterday when I dropped some stuff off for Jesse. He's heartbroken over a recent breakup. The parents of his new girlfriend called and forbade him to see her. He's too old and too experienced. Well now he's hurting so... Ugh. How can he tell me these things? How do you make your husband feel better that he can't see his girlfriend any longer? It's just odd. I don't feel it though so that's good. I just smiled and patted his shoulder and told him that it sucked, maybe he should talk to them some more. The response? "Well, I was enjoying my time with her but it isn't like I love her because of you, I don't know what that is." Oh fantastic. *See now my plan was to go on about this for a bit but I've been interrupted by a phone call from Jesse to tell me his debit card was stolen and his account wiped out and I would need to cover Emily's daycare because it is past due. Hysterical laughing taking place currently, please be patient*So anyway. Friday night is dinner w/ the fam for the birthday celebration and then Sat. is brunch w/ my mom and Emily. Saturday afternoon is time with Emi and some friends at U Paint It and then I am off to Galveston for the baby's first beach experience. It'll be great. Hava and Ryan and al those fantastic UTMB people... Sunday Ben will get here just as I am getting back and we'll chill together for a week. Then next weekend I'm having another b-day celebration in the big D with Sarah and perhaps Sheila. It is so fantastically wonderful to have people who want to spend time with me. Hava says my laugh is infectious and Sarah's roommate rearranged her birthday plans so we could celebrate together and Ben is staying with me when he gets here, not his folks or Leslie or Nate... On more of a downer Jess called last night with the news that Justin took off and she's not sure for how long. It sucks but it's great because I got to talk her through it and be there and be the rock. Of course Jess will be just fine but I was the first person she thought to call. All this attention makes me feel so very very loved. I feel just good. If I hold onto that then maybe this year will be better than the last.

They say Its gonna be final once we sign that dotted line

Emily's eyelashes keep me sane. Stupid no? But this week has been horrid. I am pretty sure I failed my Calc course. Oh yeah, I said failed. Like a loser. There is just no excuse for that kind of performance. Ugh. I'll know for sure next week. And just 7 short hours after my final came the paper. THE papers. He left them at Emily's daycare. That ominous manila envelope sticking out of the top of her innocent winnie-the-pooh diaper bag. Suddenly, I was back in that place. All these months of fighting it and I was right back to feeling like this whole ordeal was my fault. I failed. Just me. I couldn't even get through the third page that first night. It was definitely a Vodka night. Last night was better because my folks came to dinner and to help me decipher the 39 pages of ambiguous legal terminology. In the end, I'm not happy with the setup and am going to request that some of the paperwork be redone. I'm never going to finish with this mess. I hate the business of marriageI hate that marriage has "business." It should be more than that even after it is over... My folks left just after Emily went to bed. I swear Emily can feel when I get wound up. She just would not go to sleep. My policy is usually to let her cry it out because she has to learn to comfort herself, but that just wasn't working for either of us. After a few minutes of fit throwing I settled down on her bedroom floor and let her curl up in my lap. Almost instantly she cosed her eyes and we rocked back and forth. She has the most beautiful eyelashes. They are her father's. Long and thick and black. There they were just fluttering against her little peaches and cream cheek with tiny tears still clinging to them. After a few minutes I regained my will to go on. I held her a bit longer and then settled her into bed. I spent an hour or so working on a picture board for my room and then settled down. After all the horribleness that is failure I still have Emily. She doesn't care that I screwed up (yet). I made a tiny beautiful little girl with perfect eyelashes. I did that one thing right. I can keep doing right by her. I can.

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

On Sunday I cut my finger while framing some black and whites for my new bedroom. I'm not sure if I cut it on the exacto knife or on one of the little metal pieces for holding the backing in place on one of the frames. I didn't even notice that I'd cut myself until I saw the blood on the white mat while assembling one of the frames. I got it all cleaned up and it was fine for the rest of the night. Of course all day yesterday and this morning it stung and hurt and every little thing I did seemed to reopen the cut. So I'm looking at my finger where the wound didn't hurt in the acquisition but healing hurts like hell and I think, *sigh* yeah, pretty much.

'cause it's not like the movies where I'm strong

It would be absolutely fantastic if my life could be scripted by 30-year olds. Then, everything I said would be witty and perfectly timed. But no. So there are all these little conversations that will never happen anywhere but in my head which is sometimes so very very frustrating. I'd also need script writers for everyone else so I always make good points and come out on top. Good luck with that. But in the meantime here's how it goes in my head (or my portion at least):You think I don't know you. That I live in a world where other people don't do wrong. I know you. I see you when you aren't paying attention. The knowledge of what you do when I'm not around comes creeping back to me. I still love you. I just wish you loved me enough to trust me.I cannot speak for anyone else but it isn't that I wasn't thinking of people other than me. I am rarely selfish. I would go to the ends of the earth for just about anyone and half the time I do so that is not a fair statement. The thing is, it wasn't about you. It wasn't about hurting you or smirking while we saw how long it could stay hidden. It never occurred to me that you were too nice or too naive to figure it out - I knew it was only a matter of time. It was about me. For once it was about me. It was about clinging to something that let me feel and let me feel good. It was about getting lost in an extreme so I could find myself. It was about no regrets. I am sorry you got hurt and I am sorry you took it personally. But you were never the point.You once told me that you didn't want to fade away with such a disgusted tone in your voice, like I'd uttered blasphemy. And then that is exactly what you did.You are nothing but excuses. Its never your fault. There is always some circumstance to blame. Do you know how weak that makes you look?You frustrate me to no end. You are a genius dammit. Do you know how far you could go? Stop being mediocre. People would give their right hand to have what you have; to have just part of the gifts you have. But you just sit behind a desk wondering why you can't master anything. It's because you don't try. My encouragement means nothing to you and my jealousy is in vain.I hate that you know you deserve better and just stay with him. Not only that but you bend over for him. What happens if he breaks you and you no longer have the will to go after what you really want? You are gorgeous and smart and sexy and kind and everything I want to be. It hurts that you shove all your power into some secret place and only let it out when he's not around. You don't love him and I so want you to love. I want you to love so badly. and I want you to have someone who loves you as much as I do. Someday it is going to hurt more for you to hide it than it will for you to let it all out. I hope I'm there.You never even tested me. You just decided that I couldn't handle any more. You don't really see me. You put me in a box just like everyone else. Why don't you stop and really look, really listen? How about you be all of you and let me handle it? Don't tell me I'm not good enough and then stall on me. Push me, I might push back and surprise you.If I hear you say one more time that you have been unable to come to terms with your mediocrity I will beat the living crap out of you. You can't come to terms with it because you aren't mediocre. If you are any kind of ordinary it is extra-ordinary. You are doing it baby! You bust your butt every day on your dream. The results are amazing! You are amazing. Believe me, if they weren't I'd be asking you why because I know you are only capable of producing the very best. You are a hero of my story.So what you are supposed to pretend here is that none of the people I'm talking to are smarter than me. I know them through and through. There is no piece of worldly knowledge that hasn't occurred to me to reveal my ignorance. Haha. Oh well. Maybe someday I will have the upper hand and I'll impress everyone (and hopefully not sound too bitchy b/c then my fantastic comebacks would be marred later when i started to worry about them).

Thinking

If I am the person I want to be will that make me feel better when you are not?

If I am the person I want to be will that make me feel better when you are not?

Don't ask me how I know...

Yesterday, I saw Jessica for the last time before her move. We had a lunch date yesterday, but opted to just eat at my apartment and watch Gattaca instead of heading to an actual restaurant. Our gourmet meal consisted of mimosas, sour cream and onion potato chips and red velvet cake. How fun is that? First of all, Gattaca is a "wow" movie and I think I'll have to buy it. Second of all, I just love Jessica. I love that we eat junk food at 2:00 in the afternoon for "lunch" and discuss everything under the sun. Spending time with her brought me to a revelation. Empathy is nothing. At one point in the afternoon Jess sighed, looked at me and said "I don't want to go home. It isn't even home; its just that place where my stuff is." I can so relate. My heart broke for her. I know that feeling of hopeless unbelonging. I know what its like to look at the walls that surround you and want to retch. But you know what, my knowing does nothing for her. My understanding and hurting for her does not make her hurt any less. It doesn't fill the hollowness. Empathy is possibly the most useless emotion ever. Along the same lines, its like people expecting you to learn from their mistakes. No. I can't and I won't. I have to make my own mistakes. Scratch that, I GET to make my own mistakes. It is the privilege of the human condition that I get my chance to royally screw up and reap all the ecstasy and misery that goes with it. Your pain does me no good because I won't gain anything from that. I can't hurt for you and you can't screw up for me. Just be my friend, not my protector and I'll do the same for you. So with all that running through my head I licked the icing off my fingers and walked Jess to her car. She started it up, sat for a minute and drove off. I hated to see her go, but I watched her drive away. And you know what? For once someone looked back. And there I was to blow a kiss and wave.

I don't know but Jessica...

Everybody should have a Jessica and I fully intend to devote at least on entire chapter of my book to her grrl genius greatness. Everybody needs a bombshell who is a bad influence in her life. It's just essential to good character development.Two weeks ago Jess helped me move. She was totally my rock and I am so glad she was there. The phrase of the weekend was: I don't know but Jessica... I left work early on Friday just too anxious about packing to sit at my desk any longer. I had so much to do. I took a break to get my haircut, which isn't really important unless you know that I tend to have a better time in general if I am having a good hair day. My folks showed up to help me around 6:30 and Jess go there some time after 8.There was not really anything productive happening once my parents left the two of us to our own devices. Mostly because I just could no longer remember how to pack and we all know there are severe limits on my common sense. This must mean it was time to eat. Now people, we did not put effort into anything else we did for the rest of the night. Our prep for dinner at the Sushi place included walking to the car. This means we were un jeans, tank tops, flip flops and no make-up, but with really good hair. We walked out of the hot humid house to the car and drove off. The end. Okay, that a lie b/c we both totally put lipstick on.Oh but it was an excellent dinner. Overpriced, but excellent. And our waiter was really cute and personable and totally agreed to eat with us. I love stuff like that. One hour, four rolls of sushi, two glasses of plum wine and several revelations about Jessica later we thought we'd wind down the night with a beer on Northgate.Thus began the "I don't know but Jessica..." portion of the night. I mean dinner was a logical choice. Sustenance is important and necessary. Considering our skeezed out appearance Northgate seemed an acceptable destination where no one would care that we hadn't made any effort. I also would like to take a moment to note that Jessica has an amazing body with fantastic cleavage so effort is not really necessary on her part. We definitely started in the direction of Northgate and I DON"T KNOW what happened BUT JESSICA was suddenly turning into the parking lot of Harry's. Well that was fine. I really like Harry's. I like the people there and I like to dance. A LOT. Somehow though this plan was not conducive to the 6:00 wakeup call for my move the next day. And Jess was broke after our rather extravagant meal. However, we did not pay for anything except cover, which only I had to pay (I attribute this to the large differance in mine and Jessica's assets.)We started with a shot and a beer apiece. I DON'T KNOW what I was thinking BUT JESSICA totally talked me into letting her take body shots off my "cleavage" and then me from hers. And my student worker absolutely caught me taking a shot out of some guy's fly. I danced with a 19 year old again and again and found myself smoking before more body shots. I danced with one guy who told me he was going to dip me and managed to konk my head on the floor (OUCH!). I spilled a beer on a girl I used to work with and felt horrible about it. Beth and Alfee were there although Alfee was rather down and I'm not sure why. Not a single person complained about my dancing. And in the end the bartender found us horribly entertaining. I DON'T KNOW how we got so much attention while in our grubbies, BUT JESSICA just always manages to make stuff like that happen.When we left our cradle robbed dance partners invited us back to their place to work on a bottle of vodka. I always think this kind of invitation is really funny. I know I keep a bottle of liquor at my house in case I need it in order to entice a cute boy home with me. If the me isn't enticing enough we have an issue. Jessica asked if there was going to be a mixer to help that vodka go down and we just received blank looks in response. In the end we managed to shrug off the 19 year olds and get into the car. We didn't get any further. This guy totally came flying across the parking lot and threw himself across the hood of the car. We rolled down the window to receive an invitation to a party at a hotel. I made some pointed comment about how they must be desperate to wait until the bar has closed to make their move and was assured that they thought we were with the young 'uns until they heard us shrug them off. Jessica volleyed with a remark about being scared of teenagers and I DON'T KNOW what was said next, BUT I hear JESSICA agree to "just an hour" at the party after checking their IDs to make sure they were at least an acceptable age.It turns out the guys were on some sort of softball team and in a tournament. We started off with some card games and then then some drinking games and I DON"T KNOW what the rules of this one drinking game was BUT JESSICA absolutely grabbed me and had her tongue take a count of my fillings and then somehow we ended up in the swimming pool. And I DON'T KNOW how or why BUT JESSICA did not have her clothes on.At 5:30 I managed to wrestle her out of the pool and away from the boys and get her into her car, which I drove. We couldn't find my keys forever, and tore apart her car looking for them. That sounds innocent enough unless you remember that Jess works for Victoria Secret. There were bras and panties ALL OVER my living room by the time we found those damn keys. We tumbled into bed and slept for about an hour before my mom showed up followed by the movers. We got everything moved in that one day and Jess was a total blessing. I don't think I could have made it without an emotional breakdown if she hadn't been there.I DON'T KNOW what my mom must have though when she saw all that underwear all over the house and our sopping wet clothes in the shower, BUT JESSICA was definitely the best thing that happened to me that weekend.

<Blink blink>

You want me to meet the girl you will "officially" start dating in September? She's 19?And yes, before you ask or think it, I do see the karma at work.

Frustration is...

...a lack of closure. Here it is, my first ever post that is not visible to everyone on my friends list. I shouldn't have to do it this way because I shouldn't have to feel the need to keep myself from people. It hurts. I feel like I was set up for a fall. He got to keep her confidence for being honest and I look like the bad guy for lying when I was asking to be honest all the time. My consideration for his feelings put me in a precarious situation and he exposed that. I'll never get to tell him because he doesn't care. That's the rub. That is what keeps me dwelling on all this mess. All the things that I want to point out and have explained will be left locked up and inexplicable. And HE DOESN'T CARE. I knew this would happen I just didn't think it would happen like this. Here she was making decisions about ME based on only half the available knowledge because of him and I'm the one who had to suffer. It isn't like I think she wasn't hurt. I knew she would be, that's why we hid it in the first place and that's why I wanted to come clean. I kept trying not to take the coldness personally, but it was personal. I kept coming down so hard because every time I turned around there was a reminder that I'd never be as important as she was and now I wonder if she wasn't helping to rub those in. And then, to take those plunges and use them as an excuse to cut me off....I really shouldn't blame her. I'd have been mad too. The thing is, I was mad and I still took the time to listen to her problems and try to be there for her because I knew my anger would pass and I wanted to be the best possible friend so I'd have nothing to look back on and be ashamed of.

No I would not sleep on this bed of lies, so toss me out and turn in

I may not have seen you for what you are, and that is my fault. But it is your fault if you leave me to see you for what you are not.

I'm cold and I'm ashamed, bound and broken on the floor

I won't lie. It is a bad day. It has been a bad week. Normally I try to make it evident that I know that mine are not the only problems in this world. Normally, I try to shrug it off as inconsequential, knowing it could be worse. I still know al t hat, but I can't shrug it off today. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't breathe without that pain in my chest. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do it myself. I just want to be picked up and held and lied to. I hate packing up the things from us. I hate deciding whether or not to get rid of the knife we used to cut our cake or the jewelry box from our honeymoon. I hate missing him. I hate not liking him. I hate that he's mad because I didn't ask him to help me to move. Why is it like this? Why does it have to be hard? I just don't understand. I don't want to understand. I just want to be. But I do not want to be alone. Of course, everyone is busy though. Because I can't fall apart when it is convenient. I can't do it while Hava and Ryan are here or when I'm not at work or just as Ben is getting into town. I have to do it now, in the middle of summer when everyone is scattered or working or schooling or whatever. I lied. I do not want to be independent. Please just hold me up for a little while. Please...

Feeling up, feeling down

Oh yes, I am Janice the yo-yo. I'm up, I'm down. I'm crushed, I'm not taking it personally. I'm hyper, I'm wiped out. Geez, what a ride. Sometimes I don't even know where I am anymore.This weekend I move. I had sort of (and by sort of, I mean really really badly) hoped to make it into a big party. This is an example of one of my created memories. In my head I had manufactured this fantastic day where all my friends would swarm to my house in a rush of support, move my stuff in a matter of hours and then proceed to unwind with a good meal and lots of celebratory drinking to commemorate me getting into my own place for the first time. Not so much. In reality, I had so few people actually available this weekend that my mom hired a moving company. I know I should be grateful and I know that I should not take this personally. People are busy in the summer. I think really I'm just sad that I'm not the center of attention. Sometimes I just worry that I'm a whim with people. Its that paranoia thing at work, but knowing that does not make it any easier to control.Last night I fixated my newly acquired Calculus knowledge in my mind by having a margarita (okay, two) at Ozona's with Sheila, her mom, Jacob, Horatio and Ben. It was a good time until the end when Horatio let Sheila know that half the department has been commenting on her infidelity as of late. Oh...My...God! Have you people even met Sheila?! A beautiful, smart, sweet girl can end a marriage for reasons other than sex! Believe me, the news hit Sheila hard and had me hot! Our office is ridiculous. This is Bryan-College Station people, not Passions, the Athletic Department! Some people just need to to cool it or perhaps have their tongues cut out. Grrr! At least I got to see Sheila, which is always nice even if the night had a rough ending. We currently have plans to do dinner on Thursday and possible hang this weekend. Yay.I am still very much enjoying school. I hate calculus, but I really like my calculus class. I just like going to class. Makes me feel important. I have two study groups tonight and I'm meeting new people. I'm pretty anxious about tomorrow's test so I'm thinking of taking off work early and hitting a math tutorial at 4. I kind of feel bad now for all those times I turned my nose up at Elaine when she took time off work to handle school. Well, I guess I'm a bitch and a hypocrite, but I'm sure life will go on. And speaking of work, I think I'll get back to that now.Wish me luck!

I hate it when you leave, but I'll always watch you go

It is probably just a silly act by a hopeless romantic, but when people leave I always watch them drive away. I hate it when people leave, but I somehow have to watch them go. What if they looked back and I wasn't there wishing they could've stayed? Hava and Ryan came to see me and Emily for her birthday celebration this weekend. I love time with Hava. Ryan is fantastic too and I wouldn't want to leave him out, but I adore having time with Hava. She is almost always my champion no matter how pitiful my complaint. We had a great time. You would have thought I was drunk all last night we were so silly together. I always learn a little something about the way the world works when she's here and I always smile. She was almost shocked at how different I am from the Janice of the past few years. I suppose it is possible that I've been depressed for a lot longer than I thought. Ryan and Emily totally bonded this weekend and when she wakes from her nap she's going to be upset that he's gone. He's such a big kid that they got along brilliantly. She had a great weekend mostly because of him. I need to find more friends who take to my kid like that. I still get the idea that most of them find her kind of off-putting. Sarah got to come by for a few hours last night as well and we watched the strangest movie together. Such good times! I love out of town company. Perhaps there is a river trip in the works for August and maybe we'll take Em to Brenham for a big ice cream tour. Okay, so a late night has left me zonked so I think I'll catch some Zs while my kid naps before I head to work. I'm feeling nice and even after my sweet weekend so perhaps I'll get good sleep.

What do you mean you've opted to get married instead of go to Cancun?

Thinking

I love that I decided to wear a swishy skirt today. It kind of makes me want to twirl in circles, but I've refrained thus far.

Have I mentioned lately that I love school? Not so much the actual calculus portion, but I really really like being a student. I love how pretty campus is. And I like all the people rushing around or moseying. I can't wait for fall when its just a crush of people. It cracks me up that every class has a bombshell in it. I mean most folk show up in their pjs or college student standard grubbies, but there is always that one girl all made up, coiffed, and trendy. I adore walking past jeans and boots followed by a mohawk (yeah, that's rare here, but I think its fantastic every time).

The best part of today was this guy who walked in wearing a shirt that says "I'm a keeper."

Today is a day of random thoughts. I love that I decided to wear a swishy skirt today. It kind of makes me want to twirl in circles, but I've refrained thus far. Have I mentioned lately that I love school? Not so much the actual calculus portion, but I really really like being a student. I love how pretty campus is. And I like all the people rushing around or moseying. I can't wait for fall when its just a crush of people. It cracks me up that every class has a bombshell in it. I mean most folk show up in their pjs or college student standard grubbies, but there is always that one girl all made up, coiffed, and trendy. I adore walking past jeans and boots followed by a mohawk (yeah, that's rare here, but I think its fantastic every time). The best part of class today was this guy who walked in wearing a shirt that says "I'm a keeper." I am not sure why, but it almost made me laugh out loud. I love college. So all this random thoughtedness dispelled this morning's bad mood relatively quickly. I like this light feeling I get now. I feel way less bogged down despite all the stress. The loneliness is slowly going away so I can be by myself without panicking now That's a treat. And oddly, I kind of respect myself more. Don't get me wrong, I'm still paranoid and needy, but not nearly as bad as I have been the last few months. Yay for progress. I hope I can keep it up.

Mediocre

Ugh. An 88. That is so not an A. Alas, that is my Marketing grade. Oh well. I'll just have to work harder to make sure I get an A in Calculus. Speaking of which, I should get started on my homework. I still like school though so don't get the wrong idea.

Something like normal

Whew what a weekend. It was almost perfect. Friday night was a night of indulging in my not so secret secret obsession - Buffy the Vampire Slayer. For the most part, people aren't so much into the fantasy drama but I just adore this show. Bantering, corny morals, demons, good clothes - it pretty much has it all. A night of Buffy calls for time with Dana and it was so good to see her. Dana is a friend I must take in small doses, but she is such a good friend. she certainly doesn't lack for support and loyalty. It was a nice night of girl talk, bad fantasy drama, and red wine. Yea.

Saturday, after J picked up Em (always an awkward situation), I hit the hay. I just can't seem to soak up enough of that thing called sleep. The plan was for a short nap before studying for my first final in four years (gulp). Apparently quick nap really means several hours because it was definitely late afternoon before I returned to the land of the living. It was raining when i woke. Hmmm. I couldn't resist. I moved the radio outside and danced in the rain for about 20 minutes. It's good to love the rain again. After a shower it was time for some packing and studying and lunch. I'm a big fan of food consumption. Eventually I couldn't stand being at home anymore so I hit Barnes and Noble for a cup of joe and more book cracking. Hard studying calls for hard playing. 8:00 was the dinner bell. Okay so 8:00 was when my phone rang and Donna Rae offered to hit Chili's with me. That's sort of like a dinner bell in a vibrating sort of way. Yea for restaurant hamburgers smothered in mushrooms and swiss cheese. I'm hungry thinking about it.

Dinner of course leads to dancing (I mean why waste the full tummy?) I got all prettied up and met Jessica and Justin at Midnight Rodeo where I actually got to dance. It was amazing. Yay for boys who take the time to actually ask a girl to dance instead of sticking with their group. I actually got a nice variety of dance partners and one boy in particular asked more than once. Interesting... The best part: not a single person had to tell me to loosen up. This either means I'm greatly improving in the two step department or I'm just less uptight in general. Perhaps another weekend will bring opportunity for further investigation.

Sunday was more packing and studying. The boy who danced so often with me had face booked me and sent me a message so I offered to let him join me at Barnes and Noble for more coffee and studying. New friends are fun. The evening brought a study group and a beer at the Chicken to solidify all the studying. The college thing is working out great. I keep getting opportunities to sit down with people and open up a new perspective. I could get used to this. I was pretty wound up last night which made it hard to settle down for sleep. I eventually caught some fleeting Zs around 1 something. I took some time for review over breakfast and now I'm working. I missed seeing some of the friends I'd hoped to spend time with this weekend, but it was still an excellent weekend with just the right balance of social and alone time. *Sigh of contentment*

Little bundle of....

The following entry may be rather too much for those without small children....or large dogs.

Oh it started as an innocent plan to kill some time with my kiddo. She loves to clamber around my car. It is possible she has developed a taste for this amusement as a direct result of watching me do it ever so often during loading and unloading of said vehicle. As soon as I unbuckled Em's car seat she slid out of the seat and started worming her way over the console into the driver's seat. I figured why not? I left both doors open, put the parking break on just in case, and settled down on the driveway w/ a couple of catalogs. I figured she'd get bored fairly quickly but would slither about the car in the meantime and sort of wear herself down before dinner. All went well for about 10 minutes. This does not seem like a long time to anyone who does not have a two year old, but that is an inordinate amount of heaven-sent time for a toddler to stay occupied. She started whining. However, she has often gotten herself into the car on her own and I figured it was time for her to learn how to get out of the car on her own. It took about two minutes.

And that's when I realized there was a huge problem. Emily ran up to me crying that her shoes were dirty. Oh, if only it was her shoes... She had poop all the way down both legs just saturating her dress and sandals. So much poo! I ran to the car...and immediately wished I hadn't. The driver's seat was full. There was a trail over the console. The back seat floor mat had smudges. Oh! Ugh! I ran my tiny child into the house and immediately ushered her into the bathroom repeating "don't touch anything" every step to the bathtub. It took all my restraint to not chunk her in the tub fully clothed. Unfortunately, Emily has a nasty habit of sampling her bath water so I though floating poop would be a BAD idea. The bath lasted forever b/c Em is a water bug. I managed to get her fed and into bed at her normal 8 o'clock. Then (DUM DUM DUM) I had to tackle the car.

Oh why hadn't I thought to crack my windows earlier? An hour and a half in 90 degree weather and my car smelt ripe! I scrubbed that damn thing for forty minutes. The Oxy-clean bottle broke in just 4 squirts and had to be abandoned. The smell was horrific so the stuff just got dumped into the seats. In retrospect, I bet that it won't dry over night...hmmm. Oh well. My car has now been scrubbed, blotted, Febreezed and vacuumed within an inch of my life so it is sparkling, dammit!

Oh how could such a tiny person make so much poo! I fear this might be karma and must now call my parents to find out what other terrors I enacted as a child. g'night.

You don't know me...except that I hate that you do

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am Don't think that I can take another empty moment Don't think that I can fake another hollow smile It's not enough just to be sorry Don't think that I could take another talk about it Just like me you got needs And they're only a whisper away And we softly surrender To these lives that we've tendered away No I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong Where it's not enough just be sorry Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in Tried to be more than me And I gave till it all went away And we've only surrendered To the worst part of these winters we've made No I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am I am all that I'll ever be When you - lay your hands Over me but don't go weak on me now I know that it's weak But God help me I need this I will not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I'm marking it down to learning 'Cause I am

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal

pretty sure i just keep calling cris voicemail over and over to hear his voice before they turn it off for good. :-\This is Chelsea Lynn's away message. Her 20 something year old brother died this month after a SHORT battle with cancer. This makes my heart hurt so bad I can't catch my breath. How do you hold someone a hundred miles away? Chelsea, I love you darlin'. It's okay to be not okay. I'm holding you and petting your hair. Please don't let this blot out your sunny smile forever, but you can hide it away for as long as you need. *hugs*

...they make the weather then stand in the rain saying "Shit, it's raining!"

I had no idea that looking for myself would leave me feeling so lost. It's like I woke up one morning and decided that there were things wrong in my marriage and therefore the world owes me. Or, perhaps more likely, I thought there were things missing from my life because of my marriage so I want to play catch up. Bad decisions ensued. Again and again.Clare was probably right when she pointed out that I'm trying to fit a 5 year college experience into one summer. I peddle myself out as fast as I can to fill the void, completely ignoring the hole that widens every time. The high lasts for shorter and shorter amounts of time. At first I thought I needed it, then I thought I had to get it all done before everyone started fading away. They all have lives that will take them away from here, from me.I know better than this. I know that setting my self worth by the amount of attention I get is counterproductive. So why do I keep on? I mean, when you can feel so many of your friends looking at you and shaking their heads in exasperation...When you go to work wore out from staying up all night and can't function...Stupid stupid girl.Where is my resolve? Where are all the values I've kept close for so many years? Where is the classy girl I so want to be? I have turned myself into a bundle of contradictions simply because my heart and body are never on fire at the same time. I have so many things to which I should be devoting my energy but my focus is funneled, then skewed. I should be working on a life that will take me away from all this myself. If only I can find the resolve...And why did THAT damn song have to play right now!

hissy fit over...

...try to break me.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose

Ask me the price of freedom.The price of dancing in my living room every morning is $4000 - the bill to get my house leveled as the buyer has requested plus the bill of the structural engineer who said it didn't need leveling.The price of watching the movie I want to watch whenever I want to watch it is $225 - the bill to exterminate the carpenter ants the inspection foundThe price of eating cherry pie for breakfast and brussel sprouts with dinner is $200 - the cost to get my AC unit fixed and refilled with freon.The price of loving someone enough to make their dreams a reality is a college education that I passed up and may have to put on hold again.The price of not loving someone is self confidence which was sacrificed every time I couldn't bring myself to be good enoughWhat did I sow that this is what I must reap? Does the price of happines really have to be despair?

Oh yeah, I have new unmentionables to get me through the week. This makes me a happy happy girl. That is all.

Treating myself

If you check the time of posting you know that I am supposed to be working. And I am. I'm trying to keep myself from getting too distracted so I've left an away message up on AIM and have instead opted to update Live Journal a little at a time to reward myself when I finish a task. Really it's better that I stay away from the instant messenger because I'm sure people are starting to get the idea that I don't do anything else all day long. Well, I sit at a computer all day...it's nice to see folk I like as opposed to some of the folk I work with to help break up my day. I swear the next job I get will not be a desk job.This past weekend was fabulous. This is not to say that life is perfect, but at least the weekend came pretty close.Friday night was a little father's day celebration with my parents and grandparents and my Emily. She obviously stole the show so fun was had by all. I got to give my dad the Dat Nguyen autograph that I made a complete fool of myself to get. The making a fool part was worth it though because I think he really liked it. After dinner I headed home to put the baby to bed and fix my damn carpet (grrrr). I meant to get stuff done and go to bed early but I was up a little late prepping for the next day and my big RIVER TRIP!I LOVE the river. I love it so much I think I will petition to have summer school textbooks made waterproof so I can float and study at the same time. I had a sort of rocky kid swap w/ Jesse, but after that the day just took off. The drive to New Braunfels was beautiful despite the rain. The music was good, the conversation good, the scenery good. All in all I felt Clare and I got some good bonding time in on both the drive there and back even if I got a little annoying with all my comments about marketing 309 (oops). We made it to New Braunfels after a little um detour and put in at about 1:15. We had a group of about 12 and it was FANTASTIC. The water was freezing, he drinks cold and the day hot. Three hours of complete relaxation. It was good to see Mindy and Sam even if Sam didn't remember me and I barely know Mindy. She's just one of those people that has only been around for the good times so I always associate her with being happy and having fun. Plus, she''s just good people you know? Sarah was also there so the whole Janice/Clare/Mindy/Sarah parallelogram got some closure. That whole deal was just weird incidence of 7 degrees to Kevin Bacon and it made me laugh.So you'd think after my first big float I'd be exhausted, but no. The drive home was punctuated by a phone call from Clare's nurse clan so we invited ourselves to my happy place for Kerie's 21st birthday party. Of course we could not show up empty handed, but we knew Kerie would be well supplied with the required 21st birthday alcohol quota. What to get her..? Clare suggested panties. Well of course! What else. THus was the beginning of a whirlwind shower/dress/shop and go mission. We hit the house about 10 and didn't stop until 4. I was introduced to power hour and beer pong. I like the beer pong better than the power hour. May I also say that I looked particularly cute in Clare's red(ish) halter and my jean skirt? Perhaps I mayn't but I think I will. Nonetheless, I felt like a hottie which made me rather flirtatious despite my restraint in the alcoholic beverage consumption department. I attracted some unexpected attention. Interesting. I had to fend off compliments (ugh) and then.....a proposition? Where did that come from? I will admit that it felt good and the no was a little hard in getting out. More than a little hard. I've never really had that and the way it made me feel... I'm sure it was just the beer goggles though. But the things he said... and the fact that he came back after the first no...I should probably find that creepy, but I rather like persistence and to be the object of pursuit is completely new to me. I definitely throw myself 100% at the things I want so I've never really been pursued. Perhaps I was due. In any case, on Sunday a rather embarrassing situation revealed that he has a girlfriend and lying was the theme of the night.The party dwindled around 4 leaving the boys, Clare and yours truly. I got all ready for bed just to be soaked by Jim in the rain. I do love being in the rain if it means I can change into dry clothes. So I changed a second time (Thanks Jacob) and we all chilled on the couches recapping the last few days. I love times like that. We finally headed to bed (Jim to his, Jacob and I to his, and Drew and Clare to his) sometime before dawn. Everyone was rather run down and I'm sure went right to sleep, but it would have been nice to have another snuggle pile with the Drew and Clare. But alas, There was work and/or homework for the three of us on Sunday so sleep was a must. Jacob was really well behaved and has an amazingly comfy bed. I'm not sure if this is really something to advertise, but I may be the first person to sleep at least one night in each bedroom of that house.You guys are probably starting to think this post will never end so I think I'll wrap up. Breakfast, work, Jessica and homework were my day Sunday and I didn't end up going home until 8:30. I completed the weekend with the most amazing book ever and shut out the light at 11.Thanks and good night.

I wonder if I'll ever learn or if I even want to...

Things I really have learned:1. He wasn't any better than me, I hated that we were the same and he hid it better2. I will do more things because of the crowd I am with than I will do drunk3. Drinking makes me even more needy4. I hate it when people lie to me because I get enough of that from myself5. I am just as sexy barefoot as I am in high heels6. I only drink with people I trust and drinking has taught me to trust less people7. When people cannot have what they want they will settle for what makes them feel good no matter how temporary the high or the severity of the aftermath. Rinse and repeat until lesson is learnedThings I should know but can't grasp:1. I should stop telling everyone everything, my whole have no secrets plan does not work2. People Lie. Stop believing everyone3. Not everyone values kisses like I do and the way a person kisses means nothing4. Pretty, smart, and capable5. It has to come from me first6. Stop putting out 100%, it is mostly unappreciated and sometimes kind of scary7. Some things were meant to only be experienced once8. I'm naive because I let myself be9. People do not know what they wantThings I almost wish I'd never found out:1. People who love you lie as much as people who don't2. Someone else's morning breath coming from the pillow next to you smells sweeter than an empty pillow3. It can feel good and that is sometimes worse than it feeling bad4. There is no one who is going to save me, raise me up or teach me how to live - I am supposed to do it myself5. Given the opportunity, I can play the game too6. Even if somebody says they want you, if they don't want to hold you while you cry they shouldn't get to hold you at all because you will not feel any better about yourself for something so cheap.

Of two minds

That's the title of my book. I don't have a book, but if I do I think I'll title it the above. They (whoever that is) say you should write what you know and I know that my entire life is going to be split and I'll be of two minds about each step from here on out. Am I doing this as a parent or as a young single female? Two totally different lifestyles fused together to produce lil ole me. And aren't I fabulous?So maybe I'm not fabulous, but I'm telling myself that I'm pretty, smart, and capable. I'm not, but reality is inconsequential since reality is only what you convince yourself it is. I am pretty, smart and capable. And funny. And making it. No really, I'm making it. I'm in a great mood despite pending financial doom. I have a cute little apartment and a fun little weekend trip and a bigger end of summer trip (August is short term right?) and a cute little girl. I'm on top of the world again.My house is not falling down after all. It only took me three experts and $250 to find that out. Hopefully I will be free by August when I will fly away to Cancun. No more house payment, no more inordinately high utilities, way less space to feel empty and to clean. Yay. I need to buy a microwave.I do rather wish I had spent a little more time with the roommate search. I think that would have been a better baby step than this living aloneish stuff. I could totally use someone to cuddle on the couch with and watch a movie. Someone to help me pick out clothes in the morning and eat dinner at night. But not all the time. Oh well. Maybe next spring (oops, that's long term).Okay girlie! It is time for a shower and your first real homework assignment. Yeehaw! So stop with the word spew and lets get on with it!

Steal me these memories

I'll bet you didn't know this but you can make memories out of things that haven't happened yet. Well maybe you can't, but I can...and do. Evidently I do this too much. Yesterday (before hitting the hedonistic stage of my evening) I went to the psychiatrist. (Janice makes a contemptuous face here because she likes going but hates to admit she needs it) The personality quirk I have to work on: stop planning ahead so much. Apparently, I am in a hurry to do everything I haven't ever done. (Well duh, who wants to wait to start having fun). So then I build up a whole scenario around how the particular event will be and then am frustrated when it takes a while to happen or doesn't come off at all or happens differently than imagined. So I am now supposed to plan things only short term and put out of my head all of the long term stuff so as to keep my sanity. Right. So no more talking about DC in December or Study Abroad next summer or moving out of BCS whenever. I'm supposed to focus on get done with Summer Session I, sell house, continue divorce process, get more efficient at work (witness how well that is going). Apparently all that and Emily make my plate pretty full. Excepting School and Emily, does any of that sound fun to anyone? No. Do trips to the river and DC and concerts sound fun? Why yes they do. So now comes the question of balance. How about I still plan for DC while I involve myself with School and work and kid etc. Perhaps I could throw in some movies and a trip to the beach as well. But I will try to put out of mind trips out of the country and moving. I'll try to make my own memories of this extremely exciting, explorative time in my life instead of recreating the ones I think other people have. And I renew my resolve to take more pictures to capture the stories should I forget how good I really have it.

I should be doing about a million things right now. I should be...oh well. I'm wiped. I sat down to set down all my thoughts about the perspective I got this morning. In doing so I started looking up words to songs, which is a relatively new habit, and got stuck on a particular song. I have never been so completely in love with lyrics before. I want to have thoughts like that. Thoughts you can wrap yourself in like so many yards of satin and nothing else. Phrases that dig in and leave a mark like fingernails in a passionate frenzy at midnight. Oh to be universal and eternal like that...

and isn't it ironic; don't ya think

The way the conversation went: "Oh, you're getting a new car?! That's great! What are you looking at?...I love Hondas! What color?....won't you look spiffy...that's really great. You'll save so much on gas."What immature Janice was screaming in my head: "You're getting a new car! You are getting a new car?! I spent two years getting you right side up on your Mustang and then bought you a new truck and then another new truck in the course of four years and I am still driving the 2-door car I bought in high school with the broken air conditioner, broken cruise control and peeling dash board. Not to mention I couldn't even drive any of your vehicles because we spent a total of 12 hours teaching me how to drive a standard. And now I'm going to end up taking a big loss on the house and you get to trade MY hard earned truck in on a brand spanking new car!!!!" So in reality I know that lower car payments, insurance, and gas expenses are going to be a big benefit to Jesse and in turn a big benefit to Emily. The situation is actually very funny. It's like something you would read in a Cathy comic and will someday make great material for my great American novel, but a pout and foot stomp is still a little bit in order.

What I really wanna say, I can't define

It makes me laugh that my little fox is laid out by confusion. I've felt that way all day - just completely wiped. Yesterday I was on top of the world. I felt great and I believe I threw around the word happy. Today, not so much. I was tired and cranky and just felt yuck all day. I'm so confused. Why was I the Queen yesterday and today I just wanted to go back to bed and wish for Monday. Who wishes for Monday? People tell me I'll have days like this, but I don't really see other folk having days like this. If they really are, then it makes me sad how fast I fall for the illusions other people build. Maybe they are just not needy and so they don't tell everyone that they are having a bad day. They just cheer themselves up. I don't know. I just want to be Queen again. I like it so much better I think I can take anything on. I'm just a fun girl when I'm like that. So now the question is how do I hold onto that?

I'm okay

No really. I'm okay. I had a fantastic day working another wedding. I caught myself saying "When I get married again..." which is an amazing statement. I had already said I'd never get married again. I may throw "never" out of my vocabulary. I find myself dreaming about all sorts of things: moving away, getting my degree, having a business...It's weird, all the nevers that are slowly disappearing. And you know what, I'm happy in those dreams. I think I might be happy now. Is this what happy feels like? I smile just because. That's so not me. It might seem like something I would do, but it really isn't something I've done for awhile. And normally I'd feel bad going on and on about me, but these past few days, I've been okay with that. I'm okay with the idea that I have pretty eyes and a not so bad figure and great legs. I'm okay with thinking I might be smart enough and actually kind of talented. I'm even considering that there are some things that I am better than. Crazy, I know. You know what though, someday I'm going to be a great catch for someone. I'm going to be that girl who turned a head, the one who stood out. Someday I'll deserve that again. Someday, I'll know that I deserve that. So for now, I'm okay. And that's a good thing.

slipping into dreams...

Found a new website today: deviantArt.com. AMAZING. I got lost looking at all the paintings and photographs. I had forgotten how much I love art. When I get into my new place I'm filling the walls with black and whites. I can hardly wait to have a blank canvas so to speak. My whole new life is black and white and I am slowly adding the color. I think I'm starting to love this. I still hate being lonely, but the alone time is less bad. It's good dreaming time. It's almost sweet to remember that I once wanted to be a writer; that I love the color red as much as I love blue, but not so much with yellow; that pizza tastes better than anything else on a Friday night and pie is good for breakfast. I had forgotten how moldable I am. I have definitely have opinions, but I get caught up in other people's excitement and take it on for my own. I love to share your passions, but I think I'll try to hold onto myself a little more firmly this time. I think I'll buy a CD even though someone else could make me one. I think I'll watch The Gilmore Girls season by season because I have always wanted to watch it. I think I'll grow my hair out and get red streaks put in it. I think I'll get a tan and maybe buy a short skirt. I'm definitely going to get pink sheets - hot pink because I have always wanted to. I'll take Emi to the beach some day on a whim. I'll buy cute underwear for bad days I think I'll lust after someone for a while again and daydream that they are doing it back. And I'll take more pictures and I'll turn them black and white and hang them on my walls.