Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Frustration is...

...a lack of closure. Here it is, my first ever post that is not visible to everyone on my friends list. I shouldn't have to do it this way because I shouldn't have to feel the need to keep myself from people. It hurts. I feel like I was set up for a fall. He got to keep her confidence for being honest and I look like the bad guy for lying when I was asking to be honest all the time. My consideration for his feelings put me in a precarious situation and he exposed that. I'll never get to tell him because he doesn't care. That's the rub. That is what keeps me dwelling on all this mess. All the things that I want to point out and have explained will be left locked up and inexplicable. And HE DOESN'T CARE. I knew this would happen I just didn't think it would happen like this. Here she was making decisions about ME based on only half the available knowledge because of him and I'm the one who had to suffer. It isn't like I think she wasn't hurt. I knew she would be, that's why we hid it in the first place and that's why I wanted to come clean. I kept trying not to take the coldness personally, but it was personal. I kept coming down so hard because every time I turned around there was a reminder that I'd never be as important as she was and now I wonder if she wasn't helping to rub those in. And then, to take those plunges and use them as an excuse to cut me off....I really shouldn't blame her. I'd have been mad too. The thing is, I was mad and I still took the time to listen to her problems and try to be there for her because I knew my anger would pass and I wanted to be the best possible friend so I'd have nothing to look back on and be ashamed of.

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