Wednesday, May 31, 2006

2nd Day, rain and other general stuff

I LOVE SCHOOL! Why didn't I do this sooner? It's like waking up and I adore it. Marketing is fun fun fun and my prof (I have a prof...*squeal*!) has already made a couple of references to sociology tie-ins. I'm excited about the rest of the summer. I definitely had to walk to class in the rain today due to a stopped train. It wasn't really that bad and I'm in a good enough mood that everything is funny. The great part was the shooting pains from my little toe. How does such a tiny thing cause so much pain? I think I need to tone down the solo dancing in the living room when I am home alone. Last night I ballet(ish) dancing to some fantastically '90s song when my body spun one way and the little toe on my right foot stayed put. There was this snap and I was like "well that's gonna hurt tomorrow." And it does. But only after walking across campus in high heels (because I'm a genius). It is also this amazing combination of red and purple. Lovely (but really funny).

Best part of the rain is romance (I've decided once again). Yes, kisses in the rain are good and cuddling during the rain is great...but here's one a little better: having a conversation under an umbrella. You have to stand like 6 inches apart. Not that this is a particular experience of mine, but I saw it today while walking across campus and it made me kind of fluttery inside. It was just intimate in an indescribable way. I love seeing sweetness like that at random. It's like art - a little tableaux to be interpreted by the viewer.

Monday, May 29, 2006

And so it starts...

My weekend with Emily has been fantastic. Apparently she cannot get enough of the ABC song or Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Earlier this week the ABC song only had about 5 intelligible letters, but now they are almost all there and the order has stayed pretty consistent. Twinkle Twinkle, however, now has the following words: Twinkle ittle leetle door, how aye upon ... twinkle ittle leetle door. It is really really cute.

Saturday was a dream come true because I got to have kiddo and friends all at the same time and I love that. I worry rather too much that people are bothered by her so it really really makes me happy when I can bring her to some "social" events. Drew and Sarah came over for dinner and then we headed out to the Starlight concert at Wolfpen. Unfortunately Em got crabby about three songs into the really really good music and we had to leave early. Everybody understood, but I was a little disappointed for them nonetheless, and, of course, I still worried that they really did mind but there wasn't really anything anyone could do. Next time I might insist on separate cars so I feel better if people decide to leave early with me. At least I kept everyone entertained with my ability to navigate the interior of my tiny car. The night was definitely good.We traded Sarah for Clare late in the evening. Really, it was a day of most of my favorite people and a really long day at that because Clare and Drew definitely kept me entertained until 3:00 a.m. I love company.

Yesterday I worked a wedding. I don't know that I've ever seen such a circus of a wedding. I'm getting ahead of myself. I love working weddings. Earlier this week I spent a little time with Jacob who mentioned loving his job because of how many opportunities he has to use his brain. Someone says do this and if he hasn't done it before he has to figure it out. That's what I love about this wedding gig. Amy (my new boss) hates making wrist corsages so she handed me a half finished one and said make this look good. I had one try to make it work. And I did. *triumphant smile* The rest of the prep went swimmingly as well and we got to the wedding early. It was crazy! The men were late, the photographer stopped to put on her makeup with the bride and bridesmaids, the stepmother was hilariously persnickety, the groom's family was charmingly foreign, and we all had a time keeping the officiant separated from his ex-husband  who was helping the houseparty because the bride was worried they would have an argument. It was great. I can't believe I get paid to be so amused.

And so it starts...summer of 2006. Jobs, school, kid, friends... Deep breath, smile and go...

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Thorn in my side

All in all today was a good day. You'd think I'd just focus on that. This morning I stayed in bed a good hour after the alarm went off just enjoying being in bed . Got a contract on my house today which rocks! I picked up Emily from school and she ran to me squealing with excitement and started rattling off all sorts of gibberish that I can only assume were in reference to her weekend. All in all, a very good day. But then there is that thorn. Jesse sent me an e-mail and then, in typical form, called me a few minutes later when i didn't respond. I told him I had just gotten done with the doctor and was just now getting a chance to reply. SO he asked why I went to the doctor. Really, I guess I could point out that it is none of his business, but I simply stated that I'd had trouble sleeping and has lost a bit of weight in the last few months and I'd had the feeling of a defective typewriter since February and just wanted to get it all looked at so I don't have some sort of physical breakdown. So what does he ask? "Are you pregnant?"That's right you asshole. I must be pregnant. And, since we have not copulated in more than 3 months,obviously the whore you married must have needed to get laid as fast as she could. Screw the fact that I wasn't EVER good enough for you. Now that I'm single(ish) in a town of several thousand attractive, available co-eds between the ages of 18 and 25 I am the best piece of ass to be found in the Brazos Valley. In fact I was with a different guy each day that you've been gone and believe me when I say they desire me like no other woman has ever been desired. I can't get enough.I just can't believe how mad he makes me. I really value this guy's opinion. I am forever and ever connected to him and he thinks I'm just ready to pick up and sleep with anything that'll throw a little attention my way and that I'm stupid enough to do it unprotected. That really hurts Jesse. Is that really the type of woman you think I am after all these years? Is that really the type of woman you want to take care of your kid? My God, I'm just stressed and trying to keep it covered, but you think I must be pregnant.Not that my day was ruined, but I hate getting that mad. It just bothers me.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Starting the morning w/ a daydream

I love it when you rediscover something you forgot you loved. I love kisses on the forehead. I love all kinds of kisses (who doesn't?) and I definitely couldn't just pick one to live with forever and give up all the rest, but I had forgotten how great kisses on the forehead are. Really, they are the only kiss that says "I care." It is hard to change the meaning of a forehead kiss. You can kiss a person on the cheek casually in greeting or good-bye, but with a pouty lip and slow approach you can say I want you with the same kiss. We all know how a kiss on the mouth can be anything: casual, intimate, flirty, inviting, hungry... Kisses on the neck range from playful to sensual, as do any type of body kisses really. But kisses on the forehead are steadfast. The delivery can still be backed by emotion, it can be rough, or oh so gently placed, but it still simply states that the bestower cares. I LOVE forehead kisses.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

ending the day

Notice all the updating I do these days? Weird huh? Because I really shouldn't be finding the time to post. I don't get it either. Here I am again though ready to tout another "major" accomplishment in my life. This would be my trip to the park all by myself. My friend Jessica tells me I HAVE to learn to do stuff by myself. Ick. I dislike the company and when I'm by myself I generally obsess about what I must've done so wrong that nobody wanted to come with me. It's sad and pathetic, but my nature nonetheless. Today, however, after three failed attempts to secure company to the park I packed my book and blanket and went.Today was the PERFECT day for the park. I would say the day was mellow...mmm, no. Mellow doesn't fit. The year is too young to feel ripe. I can't find a word. It was like the day woke up and put on her favorite sundress just because she liked the way it swished when she spun around. After being stuck inside all day save lunch I HAD to be out. So I took myself and my book to the park. I really am fond of Research Park. I'm sure it isn't anything outstanding as far as little city parks go, but it is just green and fresh and always holds happy times. And today all the shades of kelly, forest, hunter, citron and chartreuse danced in each other's shadows while the dogs, ducks and people played and Janice read her book. Now you might think the best part was lying in the waning 6:00 sun reading and smelling all the grass-tree-pond smells. You'd be mistaken. Although I loved the smells and I ADORE my book. I suppose the thing to know is that I am a whimsical girl (ooo, whimsical is how the day was. yes! whimsical- spinning in her sundress)and this book just stirs all that up. So at one point after I'd read, dozed off and read some more, I looked up just in time to see this tree catch fire. All of it's little light green leaves had been quivering in the wind when suddenly the sun took a fatal dip behind it and the whole thing turned a brilliant sparkling onyx. The glittering red sky cut the branches into sharp relief and made the leaves reveal rigid patterns of symbols long lost to people. Then some other tree bravely stood between my tree and the setting sun releasing it. So my little tree settled for the night, it's leaves now singed to a much deeper moss color. I let go of my breath, looked around,and realized the setting sun had signaled that bewitching hour for couples that we call twilight and I was no longer welcome at the park with my solitude.So now I about to curl up with a cheesy girly movie and some oreos. Eat your heart out Jessica Hazen cause I did it.

feelin' good and normalcy

Good Morning! I am running high on energy this morning; almost giddy actually. I'm not really sure if it is the slap happy that comes from lack of sleep and Starbucks or just the general feel good that comes after spending time with fun people. Either way it is GORGEOUS outside, I started the day seeing some of my favorite people and talked to one more, and, well, Starbucks. I don't see in color until I have my coffee and yippee for flavor packed, dessert in a cup coffee and the gift certificate that let me get one today.I have a new theory. Okay, I have three new theories, but ya'll just get one today. I'm all ready for feedback on this one so fire at will. Here goes:Reality is irrelevant, especially when it comes to normal. I think we can all agree that there really is no normal anyway. It is an ill-defined, evolving concept. I think pretty much everyone falls victim to "normal" by the time they reach high school while at the same time realizing it's nonexistence. What is important here is that one feels normal. Whether or not the way one looks or behaves actually IS normal doesn't matter. From what I understand it is perfectly "normal" to have inexplicable highs and lows during the type of separation I'm involved in. I can hit a wall like I did earlier this week and sink into a pit of hysteria, anger, and self loathing and no-one will think the worse of it - what's more, they'll understand; they'll pick me up, shake me out and assure me that it is perfectly "normal" and perhaps necessary. But it doesn't FEEL normal. In fact, I'm pretty sure that any time someone experiences something they don't like, it's going to feel wrong whether it's a natural part of the human condition or not. In the same way (in the opposite way?) things that are not normal can feel perfectly fine and other people's opinion on the matter really isn't an issue. (This may include my rather overzealous passion for PEEPS). Whether it is real or not "normal" feels real to the person experiencing the ostracization (this may be a nonword) from whatever group because of its absence within them. People will indulge in just about anything be it drug, drink, love or money to just feel normal even if there means of feeling so are not normal at all. Raised eyebrows at said indulgence will mean nothing to the seeker if the problem of acceptance is solved in their own eyes. Therefore, reality is irrelevant.So with that, I have spent the time allotted for covering the front desk and I have to do my real job. So ya'll have a good day and I'll look forward to making this a good day and perhaps reporting more good days and less of the other kind of days.Much love, sunshine, and drinks with umbrellas to everyone,J-

Saturday, May 13, 2006


Nothing says cuteness like an almost 2-year-old taking ten minutes and all her concentration to put on her mama's shoes.
Nothing says cuteness like an almost 2-year-old taking ten minutes and all her concentration to put on her mama's flipflops.

A return to happy medium

Did I have you guys worried? I have to admit, I'm a little worried about me. A few weeks back I was all grumpy b/c no-one seemed to notice how great I was doing at pulling my life together. Good thing b/c I lost it Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and would have proved them all wrong. Ugh. I suppose I've just been stumbling through the last few months without really paying attention to half of what was going on inside my head. Well it definitely flooded out on Tuesday where I spent until 2 a.m. incoherently spilling my issues to no less than 4 people. I broke down again and again until I finally found solace in the early early morning. And then I cared so little about anything that I didn't get out of bed most of Weds. My mom thinks I hit rock bottom, but I think I could probably tunnel a little deeper and THAT is the scary part. I have a little girl and parents whose lives are directly affected by actions and inactions. If I stop caring about me, what happens to them? I could probably go so far as to say I have a handful of friends who would be either disgusted or hurt by my behavior lately as well. Since we all know I am completely unable to do things for myself, I may as well try to do something for all the other people who care. So that concludes the introspective part of my posting.In brighter news, Emily Dawn has her first boyfriend. How cute is that?! His name is Jacob Lane and he is 10 days older than her. On Thursday he found her squatting on the playground and went over to inspect, so I assume, what she was doing. Upon his leaning in Emi looked up and gave him a big kiss. He immediately jumped up and started spinning. Go Emily! I'm not sure I've ever heard of a woman's kiss causing a man to run in actually circles. Perhaps figuratvely, but not literal circles. I know this is not among my accomplishments.The weekend is now officially started. Graduation is in full swing, which is good b/c it means there are things I can take Em to do to keep her busy. We have a graduation party and possibly a concert tonight and then maybe church and baseball tomorrow. Hopefully I can round up someone to do the concert and baseball with us. I love my kid, but I am usually aching for adult conversation after a few hours with her. Plus, Emi just usually behaves better when we have company.For those that know about my beef with various types of furniture these days, you might like to know that I actually managed to sleep in my own bed last night. Between the sheets and everything. No, I didn't sleep any better than I have been, but yes, I will probably do it again tonight.

Sunday, May 7, 2006

Oh there will sooo be aftermath

Giddy as a child. Well, that is a usual characteristic of mine, but this weekend I've barely been contained. I was a just a girl for 48 whole hours; slept too late, stayed up too late, didn't sleep at all and threw in some good times. Don't get me wrong, I love Em and I like all the "grown up" things I try to manage, but this weekend was certainly a nice break. It has been the sweetest surrender containing this moment where I literally crashed into ecstasy wiping all the wistfulness out of every smile. And while the drift back to reality that will culminate in Monday morning has been gentle, I know there will be aftermath. But somehow, this time, I think I might just keep it at bay. Maybe this time I'll let that one moment at least remain unmarred by the guilt and stress and self loathing that usually tear me apart. Just maybe.

Tuesday, May 2, 2006


"Today was fabulous!" she said with a smile that still isn't big enough to portray the right amount of happiness. And then with softened eyes and a sudden wistfulness she whispered "almost."

And time marches on, but not steadily

It is May. I can't believe it is May. The weeks seem like they've just been dragging by and then they are gone and I wonder where they went. I think part of that is due to me not really sleeping making 2 and 3 days run together into one really long day. But sleep seems to be coming more easily now. I've spent two whole nights in a row sleeping on my bed (on, not in). I have to wash blankets now, but I haven't had to change my sheets so I guess that's the bright side.I signed a lease yesterday and now i'm asking myself why. I thought I was thinking ahead and sparing myself the trouble of finding an apartment at a hectic pace when the house sells. As with so much that I'm doing these days, I realize that this is actually worse. Now, if the house doesn't sell, I am locked into a house payment (by myself) and a lease (by myself). Good job Janice. If all goes well, I'll sell the house next week. If it goes mediocre I won't sell the house right away but I can get a renter for the summer or something. I could just charge the amount to cover my apartment so I won't really be any worse off. The worst that can happen is I either make two payments and drain my savings (what little there is now) and my credit or I pay to break my lease. I've decided I don't really like to think about all this so I'm going to go back to my theory of, I can do whatever I HAVE to do. No really, I can. Really.In other news, I've basically managed to wheedle my way into more emotional trouble. And here's another pat on the back for me. The process of reassuring an old friend that he is indeed wonderful and can indeed win the girl turned in to a big banter session that ended in a proposition more serious than not. Great. I've already maxed out my emotional availability on a former situation and a semi present situation so this is really just pushing the limit. I just never know when to quit. So now I think I've accepted an offer that I am not sure I can follow through with no matter how much history is there. In fact, I don't think I can handle this just because of the history that's there. Unfortunately, I think a refusal of said proposition will result in just as much issue as an acceptance and follow through. I can only hope he gets tied up before I see him again and becomes emotionally unavailable himself. I have now managed to become the typical 20 something bubleheaded flirt. The lesson here, don't try to deflect compliments by returning them and check to make sure everyone in the conversation is on the same page about what's a joke and what isn't.There is actually good news today that, so far, has no bad taste to accompany it. (Wipe that surprised look off your face, I don't complain ALL the time.) I am on a softball team. Not just any softball team. I am on the Victoria Secret College Station softball team. On June 4th we will be competing against the Brazos Valley Firefighter trainees. And oh dear me, but how will a bunch a of lil girls like us defeat those young, buff, high performing firemen? I am so glad you asked. VS store manager, and my personal hero, Jessica, has added some stipulations to the firefighters uniform. They must come dressed in their fire station issued pants, suspenders and hat. And nothing else. NOTHING else. . And they accepted said stipulation. So it is entirely possible that there will no good looking fire-school boys present on June 4, but anticipation is more than half the fun and I do so enjoy having something to look forward to.