Monday, May 26, 2003

Emotional outburst

Every weekend is the same. They all end with me upset at Jesse, or someone, but usually Jesse. All of them. Every single one. I suppose initially you may think that Jesse must do an awful lot of things wrong. That is untrue. Jesse does a great amount of things right. So I'm all upset and crying and basically throwing an end-of-the-weekend tantrum - I forget over what (that should really tell you how often I throw these upset fits). Jesse is trying to make me feel better because he pretty much knows its useless to get mad over something trivial. Something else he knows is that I can never just turn off my mad (I have too much pride and my mood swings are just not that quick). I did however, calm down enough to let erupt something that has been bothering me for the last few fights: "How is our marriage going to work when I end every two day stint with you angry?" After I blew my nose I had an epiphany. It can't be everyone else all the time. There must be something wrong with me. I cannot keep friends. I don't know if you've ever met someone who takes a prescription for being bi-polar or something similar, but after awhile (especially if they've missed a few days on meds) they get this attitude of "why do I have to take pills for everyone else to get along with me?" I don't take meds, never have. I figure I am afflicted with the same human condition as everyone else and I should just learn to deal with stuff using what God gave me and no extra additives. (although, sometimes I find that funny b/c I take headache meds and allergy stuff - but that's beside the point). It's true, though. It is me. I'm picky and overbearing. Basically I like things done my way and I usually feel like only I can get them done right. I get snappish and cold. Anyone who spends time with me knows how hard it is to be around me after awhile. Lucky for Hava she lives away from me and I see her too little to not be on my best, sweetest behavior. Jesse says that I can start making myself better now that I've identified the problem and admitted it. I told him that this is me better. I used to throw fits more than once a day. If I'm unhappy everybody must know I am unhappy. I used to insist that everybody else be unhappy as well. Of course I though the problem was that I was an only child and I didn't want everyone to think I was spoiled. I hated me then. I think I may still hate me now. Still, sometimes knowing the affliction isn't enough. You can't take the first step if you don't know what it is or in what direction in lies.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Paranoid or otherwise

I swear that this chick in my office is trying to get me fired. I constantly hear her talking about me and trying to move blame from herself to me. There are only 5 people in this 1500 square foot office, surely she realizes I can hear her. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm a nice person who works hard and it sucks that she's got to make my job harder by constantly making me uncomfortable or unhappy. She's smart and a fast learner, she can move up her own without making me look bad. GRRRR.

Because of me...

Yesterday I got probably the best compliment ever. I was helping a guy do a tax return. Many many people are unpleasant when doing their taxes which is why it's pretty much my job to deal with just about everybody who walks through the door because I have a knack for talking to people. However, this guy was extremely pleasant so it was easy for me to be nice. Anyway, when all was done and he was starting to go he turned back and told me had pleasant it had been working with me. He went on to say that working with people like me, good christian men and women of my caliber, made him believe that God still had good people in this world. The world was still good because of me. I went home at 5 and cried. I was thrilled. Just last year I actually denied any connection with God. I DENIED Him! Since then, I've rearranged my priorities, but I've been filled with questions and doubt these last few weeks. Yesterday, God knew I needed that man. So now pretty much everyone (not that anywhere close to everyone reads my stuff, but you know what I mean) knows how sentimental I am. They all know that I'm Christian, not atheist, agnostic, skeptic or Jew. I kinda wanted to hide it because I was afraid that certain people who I've been trying to impress may not want anything to do with me. But, I am what I am. I'll tell you what: I think I'm happier than three of those other types I listed.

Monday, May 19, 2003

As it is with Sequals

Well, went to see Reloaded this weekend. Good movie, not great, but good. I have to say it left me rather unsatisfied. I personally wasn't left contemplating any new theories as with the first. Quite frankly I found their use of sound and special effects trivialized a lot of scenes that should have been important. I mean honestly, did anyone feel Neo was really threatened by the multitude of Smiths since it sounded more like he was bowling strikes than like a genuine fight scene? Also, there was so much foreshadowing and emphasis on stuff that never really played out. Surely someone else thought more was going to come from the kiss with Persephone. And they just totally ignored playing up the irony of Link's wife not wanting HIM to die. And really, did the digital orgasm add anything to the story? I guess I just expected more. Neo and Trinity make a hot couple though and, as always, Lawrence Fishburne rocked!

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Just a glimpse

I love books, movies, and captivating conversation. I love being able to look into other worlds and just wonder. There's someone new I'd like to invite into a fish bowl. I like looking through his eyes. He sees the left side of things when I only look at the right side. I'm ready for a good argument or maybe a change of mind. I doubt his interest though. Should I pursue? And Hava's in trouble because she didn't call me twice. I know finals are over you snot!! Call me. Matt, I hope you're doing better. You seem bitter over stuff much too quickly these days, especially people's opinion of you. On the other hand, it's been a long time since I've been aware of what's up with you. If it makes you feel any better, my opinion of you is still well above low.