Friday, April 28, 2006

Ahh Friday afternoon. So I'm having some ups and downs here lately. Wednesday I was so mad at myself that I was almost on a power trip trying so hard to prove to myself that I'm not weak and can do it all and I don't really need anyone. Then last night I got a call from Ben and actually engaged in intelligent conversation about sex and politics (but not at the same time)of all things which left me feeling pretty good about myself at first and then oddly empty when I had to hang up the phone to go to bed. It was a rather restless night because I am mad at the couch so I sleep on my living room chair. It's a big story about feeling kind of cheap and I can't decide if I'm justified or not. Ben says I'm never justified and to stop beating myself up and I'm almost positive almost everyone would say the same but...well, you all know me. So this morning I started off with a lot of energy, but now the paranoia has returned and I am suddenly trying to hold back tears as I dwell on the fact the everyone has their own lives so no-one's really been available to take me out and celebrate the big entry into A&M and I am completely afraid that I can't really do this even though Tuesday I was positive I could do it all and would do it all and really this huge run-on sentence is only one indication of the way I can't turn off my mind until I have completely run myself down. Sigh. Furthermore, I will be mad at myself later for posting this where Drew and Hava and Clare can see because I just want everyone to think I can handle my life with inhuman perfection and this is just revealing the little girl I have always been. I debated locking my journal, but I've never done that. I just don't like the idea of doing it. I mean if I'm going to take the time to make all my thoughts a reality I might as well do it for an audience. Really I should just keep a journal at home with all my undeveloped emotional spew, but I hate my handwriting and really all those notebooks would just clutter things up. Besides, I generally feel unimportant enough to convince myself that no-one's really going to read this anyway. I have a whopping 4 readers. So now I've run out of time because I have to see Sheila about switching beds and get home so Jesse can go back to work because Heaven forbid he find a convenient way to spend time with his child. So my cover (however transparent) is blown. I'm a small person with no will and no confidence and....sigh. Oh it's just not worth it sometimes.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

"Today is just fabulous!" she said her voice losing all traces of bitterness to make room for dripping sarcasm. Yesterday was indeed fabulous and I want to keep it that way always in my mind so I've opted to count the events between 2 and 3 a.m. towards today even though I had not been to bed yet. So I sit here now smilingly answering the phone while in my head caustic remarks dance with the voice that screams "You turn everything you touch to SHIT!" I intend later to blame it all on the rain; the damn fucking rain which never seems to wash anything clean. There is always residue. And thus goes my internal rant which, excluding this one outlet, I intend to keep internal from now on. Paste on smile, end entry, and "Good morning Business Office, this is Janice..."

Friday, April 14, 2006

Feeling bad that I don't feel worse

I have to say folk, I may be pulling out of a slump. I may not, but I may. This week I have stumbled upon unexpected popularity that has been a fantastic ego boost. I hope it lasts and isn't part of a pity kick. I am completely exhausted today due to lack of sleep last night (Thanks Jessica, Hava, Jim and Ben), but am relatively (dare I say) happy. I keep feeling bad that I'm not feeling worse, like my happiness is going to be a personal insult to Jesse. I have run into quit a bit of frustration this week, but haven't been too down. Jessica tells me this is good because she worries I'm going to die on the inside so I can reach my goal of appearing put together and (in a fantasy world) desirable at all times. We'll see what couples therapy does to me next week. In the words of a new found friend, I just don't see it ending well. I'll either shut down or break down. Either way, no mascara that day. I'm a little all over the place today so this post is kind of garbled, but thus is my life these days so I'm sure you can all deal. Ben called yesterday, as I mentioned, and used the phrase "best friend" more than once. I swear, Ben is the best friend I will ever have simply because he publicly displays everything I am on the inside. I am trying my damnedest to get to DC for New Year's and I think we're both kind of excited about it. Yay for plans. Speaking of plans I have a date with jeans shopping, my mom, and several Mary Kay clients. So I am off. Happy Easter everyone.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Please don't

Please don't ask me if there have been any changes, I cannot keep up anymore...there are always changes, none have been good.Please don't be too specific or generous in your compliments, I won't be gracious in accepting them.Even if you are a nice old man please don't stop mid sentence during your conversation with someone else to comment that my eyes are the most beautiful you've seen, due to the previous bestower of said compliment they will well up and completely ruin my mascara.Please don't be too nice, I'll be too grateful and you'll regret how much I lean on you later.Please don't inform me now of some obscure crush you had on me in high school, high school has been over for some time now.Please don't say things like "I thought I'd missed my chance."Please don't let me play constantly with the callous on the inside of my finger.Please don't ask when I will start dating again and really don't ask when he'll start dating again or if he already is.Please don't pity me, I do not have time to break down at the sight of your sympathetic look.I promise I'll be okay. I promise I will let you know when I finally break down, I will need you there and want you there.

Monday, April 3, 2006

One day at a time

So you will all be happy know that i am making it. Sometimes I am even having fun. This life is totally different from anything else I am used to and I actually kind of like it. You know how little kids like to play house? Well people who are always taken care of like to take care of themselves sometimes. I feel kind of like a real grown up. The tables have completely turned. Jesse wants to come home and I just can't let him. I can't see rekindling the flame without feeling the burn. He's almost made me stop loving him. How sad and childish is that. So much for feeling like a grown up.Everyone who knows wants me to work at saving this marriage,but...there is just a bunch of buts. Jesse was right we he talked about how unhappy I was. I didn't even realize I was so unhappy all the time. Don't worry though, even if I'm doing it with the wrong attitude I'm still going to therapy with him (if the doctor ever calls back). I just don't see it happening. Sigh.