Sunday, June 25, 2006

...they make the weather then stand in the rain saying "Shit, it's raining!"

I had no idea that looking for myself would leave me feeling so lost. It's like I woke up one morning and decided that there were things wrong in my marriage and therefore the world owes me. Or, perhaps more likely, I thought there were things missing from my life because of my marriage so I want to play catch up. Bad decisions ensued. Again and again.Clare was probably right when she pointed out that I'm trying to fit a 5 year college experience into one summer. I peddle myself out as fast as I can to fill the void, completely ignoring the hole that widens every time. The high lasts for shorter and shorter amounts of time. At first I thought I needed it, then I thought I had to get it all done before everyone started fading away. They all have lives that will take them away from here, from me.I know better than this. I know that setting my self worth by the amount of attention I get is counterproductive. So why do I keep on? I mean, when you can feel so many of your friends looking at you and shaking their heads in exasperation...When you go to work wore out from staying up all night and can't function...Stupid stupid girl.Where is my resolve? Where are all the values I've kept close for so many years? Where is the classy girl I so want to be? I have turned myself into a bundle of contradictions simply because my heart and body are never on fire at the same time. I have so many things to which I should be devoting my energy but my focus is funneled, then skewed. I should be working on a life that will take me away from all this myself. If only I can find the resolve...And why did THAT damn song have to play right now!

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