Thursday, July 13, 2006

I'm cold and I'm ashamed, bound and broken on the floor

I won't lie. It is a bad day. It has been a bad week. Normally I try to make it evident that I know that mine are not the only problems in this world. Normally, I try to shrug it off as inconsequential, knowing it could be worse. I still know al t hat, but I can't shrug it off today. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't breathe without that pain in my chest. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do it myself. I just want to be picked up and held and lied to. I hate packing up the things from us. I hate deciding whether or not to get rid of the knife we used to cut our cake or the jewelry box from our honeymoon. I hate missing him. I hate not liking him. I hate that he's mad because I didn't ask him to help me to move. Why is it like this? Why does it have to be hard? I just don't understand. I don't want to understand. I just want to be. But I do not want to be alone. Of course, everyone is busy though. Because I can't fall apart when it is convenient. I can't do it while Hava and Ryan are here or when I'm not at work or just as Ben is getting into town. I have to do it now, in the middle of summer when everyone is scattered or working or schooling or whatever. I lied. I do not want to be independent. Please just hold me up for a little while. Please...

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