Little bundle of....

The following entry may be rather too much for those without small children....or large dogs.

Oh it started as an innocent plan to kill some time with my kiddo. She loves to clamber around my car. It is possible she has developed a taste for this amusement as a direct result of watching me do it ever so often during loading and unloading of said vehicle. As soon as I unbuckled Em's car seat she slid out of the seat and started worming her way over the console into the driver's seat. I figured why not? I left both doors open, put the parking break on just in case, and settled down on the driveway w/ a couple of catalogs. I figured she'd get bored fairly quickly but would slither about the car in the meantime and sort of wear herself down before dinner. All went well for about 10 minutes. This does not seem like a long time to anyone who does not have a two year old, but that is an inordinate amount of heaven-sent time for a toddler to stay occupied. She started whining. However, she has often gotten herself into the car on her own and I figured it was time for her to learn how to get out of the car on her own. It took about two minutes.

And that's when I realized there was a huge problem. Emily ran up to me crying that her shoes were dirty. Oh, if only it was her shoes... She had poop all the way down both legs just saturating her dress and sandals. So much poo! I ran to the car...and immediately wished I hadn't. The driver's seat was full. There was a trail over the console. The back seat floor mat had smudges. Oh! Ugh! I ran my tiny child into the house and immediately ushered her into the bathroom repeating "don't touch anything" every step to the bathtub. It took all my restraint to not chunk her in the tub fully clothed. Unfortunately, Emily has a nasty habit of sampling her bath water so I though floating poop would be a BAD idea. The bath lasted forever b/c Em is a water bug. I managed to get her fed and into bed at her normal 8 o'clock. Then (DUM DUM DUM) I had to tackle the car.

Oh why hadn't I thought to crack my windows earlier? An hour and a half in 90 degree weather and my car smelt ripe! I scrubbed that damn thing for forty minutes. The Oxy-clean bottle broke in just 4 squirts and had to be abandoned. The smell was horrific so the stuff just got dumped into the seats. In retrospect, I bet that it won't dry over night...hmmm. Oh well. My car has now been scrubbed, blotted, Febreezed and vacuumed within an inch of my life so it is sparkling, dammit!

Oh how could such a tiny person make so much poo! I fear this might be karma and must now call my parents to find out what other terrors I enacted as a child. g'night.

You don't know me...except that I hate that you do

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am Don't think that I can take another empty moment Don't think that I can fake another hollow smile It's not enough just to be sorry Don't think that I could take another talk about it Just like me you got needs And they're only a whisper away And we softly surrender To these lives that we've tendered away No I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong Where it's not enough just be sorry Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in Tried to be more than me And I gave till it all went away And we've only surrendered To the worst part of these winters we've made No I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am I am all that I'll ever be When you - lay your hands Over me but don't go weak on me now I know that it's weak But God help me I need this I will not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I'm marking it down to learning 'Cause I am

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal

pretty sure i just keep calling cris voicemail over and over to hear his voice before they turn it off for good. :-\This is Chelsea Lynn's away message. Her 20 something year old brother died this month after a SHORT battle with cancer. This makes my heart hurt so bad I can't catch my breath. How do you hold someone a hundred miles away? Chelsea, I love you darlin'. It's okay to be not okay. I'm holding you and petting your hair. Please don't let this blot out your sunny smile forever, but you can hide it away for as long as you need. *hugs*

...they make the weather then stand in the rain saying "Shit, it's raining!"

I had no idea that looking for myself would leave me feeling so lost. It's like I woke up one morning and decided that there were things wrong in my marriage and therefore the world owes me. Or, perhaps more likely, I thought there were things missing from my life because of my marriage so I want to play catch up. Bad decisions ensued. Again and again.Clare was probably right when she pointed out that I'm trying to fit a 5 year college experience into one summer. I peddle myself out as fast as I can to fill the void, completely ignoring the hole that widens every time. The high lasts for shorter and shorter amounts of time. At first I thought I needed it, then I thought I had to get it all done before everyone started fading away. They all have lives that will take them away from here, from me.I know better than this. I know that setting my self worth by the amount of attention I get is counterproductive. So why do I keep on? I mean, when you can feel so many of your friends looking at you and shaking their heads in exasperation...When you go to work wore out from staying up all night and can't function...Stupid stupid girl.Where is my resolve? Where are all the values I've kept close for so many years? Where is the classy girl I so want to be? I have turned myself into a bundle of contradictions simply because my heart and body are never on fire at the same time. I have so many things to which I should be devoting my energy but my focus is funneled, then skewed. I should be working on a life that will take me away from all this myself. If only I can find the resolve...And why did THAT damn song have to play right now!

hissy fit over...

...try to break me.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose

Ask me the price of freedom.The price of dancing in my living room every morning is $4000 - the bill to get my house leveled as the buyer has requested plus the bill of the structural engineer who said it didn't need leveling.The price of watching the movie I want to watch whenever I want to watch it is $225 - the bill to exterminate the carpenter ants the inspection foundThe price of eating cherry pie for breakfast and brussel sprouts with dinner is $200 - the cost to get my AC unit fixed and refilled with freon.The price of loving someone enough to make their dreams a reality is a college education that I passed up and may have to put on hold again.The price of not loving someone is self confidence which was sacrificed every time I couldn't bring myself to be good enoughWhat did I sow that this is what I must reap? Does the price of happines really have to be despair?

Oh yeah, I have new unmentionables to get me through the week. This makes me a happy happy girl. That is all.

Treating myself

If you check the time of posting you know that I am supposed to be working. And I am. I'm trying to keep myself from getting too distracted so I've left an away message up on AIM and have instead opted to update Live Journal a little at a time to reward myself when I finish a task. Really it's better that I stay away from the instant messenger because I'm sure people are starting to get the idea that I don't do anything else all day long. Well, I sit at a computer all day...it's nice to see folk I like as opposed to some of the folk I work with to help break up my day. I swear the next job I get will not be a desk job.This past weekend was fabulous. This is not to say that life is perfect, but at least the weekend came pretty close.Friday night was a little father's day celebration with my parents and grandparents and my Emily. She obviously stole the show so fun was had by all. I got to give my dad the Dat Nguyen autograph that I made a complete fool of myself to get. The making a fool part was worth it though because I think he really liked it. After dinner I headed home to put the baby to bed and fix my damn carpet (grrrr). I meant to get stuff done and go to bed early but I was up a little late prepping for the next day and my big RIVER TRIP!I LOVE the river. I love it so much I think I will petition to have summer school textbooks made waterproof so I can float and study at the same time. I had a sort of rocky kid swap w/ Jesse, but after that the day just took off. The drive to New Braunfels was beautiful despite the rain. The music was good, the conversation good, the scenery good. All in all I felt Clare and I got some good bonding time in on both the drive there and back even if I got a little annoying with all my comments about marketing 309 (oops). We made it to New Braunfels after a little um detour and put in at about 1:15. We had a group of about 12 and it was FANTASTIC. The water was freezing, he drinks cold and the day hot. Three hours of complete relaxation. It was good to see Mindy and Sam even if Sam didn't remember me and I barely know Mindy. She's just one of those people that has only been around for the good times so I always associate her with being happy and having fun. Plus, she''s just good people you know? Sarah was also there so the whole Janice/Clare/Mindy/Sarah parallelogram got some closure. That whole deal was just weird incidence of 7 degrees to Kevin Bacon and it made me laugh.So you'd think after my first big float I'd be exhausted, but no. The drive home was punctuated by a phone call from Clare's nurse clan so we invited ourselves to my happy place for Kerie's 21st birthday party. Of course we could not show up empty handed, but we knew Kerie would be well supplied with the required 21st birthday alcohol quota. What to get her..? Clare suggested panties. Well of course! What else. THus was the beginning of a whirlwind shower/dress/shop and go mission. We hit the house about 10 and didn't stop until 4. I was introduced to power hour and beer pong. I like the beer pong better than the power hour. May I also say that I looked particularly cute in Clare's red(ish) halter and my jean skirt? Perhaps I mayn't but I think I will. Nonetheless, I felt like a hottie which made me rather flirtatious despite my restraint in the alcoholic beverage consumption department. I attracted some unexpected attention. Interesting. I had to fend off compliments (ugh) and then.....a proposition? Where did that come from? I will admit that it felt good and the no was a little hard in getting out. More than a little hard. I've never really had that and the way it made me feel... I'm sure it was just the beer goggles though. But the things he said... and the fact that he came back after the first no...I should probably find that creepy, but I rather like persistence and to be the object of pursuit is completely new to me. I definitely throw myself 100% at the things I want so I've never really been pursued. Perhaps I was due. In any case, on Sunday a rather embarrassing situation revealed that he has a girlfriend and lying was the theme of the night.The party dwindled around 4 leaving the boys, Clare and yours truly. I got all ready for bed just to be soaked by Jim in the rain. I do love being in the rain if it means I can change into dry clothes. So I changed a second time (Thanks Jacob) and we all chilled on the couches recapping the last few days. I love times like that. We finally headed to bed (Jim to his, Jacob and I to his, and Drew and Clare to his) sometime before dawn. Everyone was rather run down and I'm sure went right to sleep, but it would have been nice to have another snuggle pile with the Drew and Clare. But alas, There was work and/or homework for the three of us on Sunday so sleep was a must. Jacob was really well behaved and has an amazingly comfy bed. I'm not sure if this is really something to advertise, but I may be the first person to sleep at least one night in each bedroom of that house.You guys are probably starting to think this post will never end so I think I'll wrap up. Breakfast, work, Jessica and homework were my day Sunday and I didn't end up going home until 8:30. I completed the weekend with the most amazing book ever and shut out the light at 11.Thanks and good night.

I wonder if I'll ever learn or if I even want to...

Things I really have learned:1. He wasn't any better than me, I hated that we were the same and he hid it better2. I will do more things because of the crowd I am with than I will do drunk3. Drinking makes me even more needy4. I hate it when people lie to me because I get enough of that from myself5. I am just as sexy barefoot as I am in high heels6. I only drink with people I trust and drinking has taught me to trust less people7. When people cannot have what they want they will settle for what makes them feel good no matter how temporary the high or the severity of the aftermath. Rinse and repeat until lesson is learnedThings I should know but can't grasp:1. I should stop telling everyone everything, my whole have no secrets plan does not work2. People Lie. Stop believing everyone3. Not everyone values kisses like I do and the way a person kisses means nothing4. Pretty, smart, and capable5. It has to come from me first6. Stop putting out 100%, it is mostly unappreciated and sometimes kind of scary7. Some things were meant to only be experienced once8. I'm naive because I let myself be9. People do not know what they wantThings I almost wish I'd never found out:1. People who love you lie as much as people who don't2. Someone else's morning breath coming from the pillow next to you smells sweeter than an empty pillow3. It can feel good and that is sometimes worse than it feeling bad4. There is no one who is going to save me, raise me up or teach me how to live - I am supposed to do it myself5. Given the opportunity, I can play the game too6. Even if somebody says they want you, if they don't want to hold you while you cry they shouldn't get to hold you at all because you will not feel any better about yourself for something so cheap.

Of two minds

That's the title of my book. I don't have a book, but if I do I think I'll title it the above. They (whoever that is) say you should write what you know and I know that my entire life is going to be split and I'll be of two minds about each step from here on out. Am I doing this as a parent or as a young single female? Two totally different lifestyles fused together to produce lil ole me. And aren't I fabulous?So maybe I'm not fabulous, but I'm telling myself that I'm pretty, smart, and capable. I'm not, but reality is inconsequential since reality is only what you convince yourself it is. I am pretty, smart and capable. And funny. And making it. No really, I'm making it. I'm in a great mood despite pending financial doom. I have a cute little apartment and a fun little weekend trip and a bigger end of summer trip (August is short term right?) and a cute little girl. I'm on top of the world again.My house is not falling down after all. It only took me three experts and $250 to find that out. Hopefully I will be free by August when I will fly away to Cancun. No more house payment, no more inordinately high utilities, way less space to feel empty and to clean. Yay. I need to buy a microwave.I do rather wish I had spent a little more time with the roommate search. I think that would have been a better baby step than this living aloneish stuff. I could totally use someone to cuddle on the couch with and watch a movie. Someone to help me pick out clothes in the morning and eat dinner at night. But not all the time. Oh well. Maybe next spring (oops, that's long term).Okay girlie! It is time for a shower and your first real homework assignment. Yeehaw! So stop with the word spew and lets get on with it!

Steal me these memories

I'll bet you didn't know this but you can make memories out of things that haven't happened yet. Well maybe you can't, but I can...and do. Evidently I do this too much. Yesterday (before hitting the hedonistic stage of my evening) I went to the psychiatrist. (Janice makes a contemptuous face here because she likes going but hates to admit she needs it) The personality quirk I have to work on: stop planning ahead so much. Apparently, I am in a hurry to do everything I haven't ever done. (Well duh, who wants to wait to start having fun). So then I build up a whole scenario around how the particular event will be and then am frustrated when it takes a while to happen or doesn't come off at all or happens differently than imagined. So I am now supposed to plan things only short term and put out of my head all of the long term stuff so as to keep my sanity. Right. So no more talking about DC in December or Study Abroad next summer or moving out of BCS whenever. I'm supposed to focus on get done with Summer Session I, sell house, continue divorce process, get more efficient at work (witness how well that is going). Apparently all that and Emily make my plate pretty full. Excepting School and Emily, does any of that sound fun to anyone? No. Do trips to the river and DC and concerts sound fun? Why yes they do. So now comes the question of balance. How about I still plan for DC while I involve myself with School and work and kid etc. Perhaps I could throw in some movies and a trip to the beach as well. But I will try to put out of mind trips out of the country and moving. I'll try to make my own memories of this extremely exciting, explorative time in my life instead of recreating the ones I think other people have. And I renew my resolve to take more pictures to capture the stories should I forget how good I really have it.

I should be doing about a million things right now. I should be...oh well. I'm wiped. I sat down to set down all my thoughts about the perspective I got this morning. In doing so I started looking up words to songs, which is a relatively new habit, and got stuck on a particular song. I have never been so completely in love with lyrics before. I want to have thoughts like that. Thoughts you can wrap yourself in like so many yards of satin and nothing else. Phrases that dig in and leave a mark like fingernails in a passionate frenzy at midnight. Oh to be universal and eternal like that...

and isn't it ironic; don't ya think

The way the conversation went: "Oh, you're getting a new car?! That's great! What are you looking at?...I love Hondas! What color?....won't you look spiffy...that's really great. You'll save so much on gas."What immature Janice was screaming in my head: "You're getting a new car! You are getting a new car?! I spent two years getting you right side up on your Mustang and then bought you a new truck and then another new truck in the course of four years and I am still driving the 2-door car I bought in high school with the broken air conditioner, broken cruise control and peeling dash board. Not to mention I couldn't even drive any of your vehicles because we spent a total of 12 hours teaching me how to drive a standard. And now I'm going to end up taking a big loss on the house and you get to trade MY hard earned truck in on a brand spanking new car!!!!" So in reality I know that lower car payments, insurance, and gas expenses are going to be a big benefit to Jesse and in turn a big benefit to Emily. The situation is actually very funny. It's like something you would read in a Cathy comic and will someday make great material for my great American novel, but a pout and foot stomp is still a little bit in order.

What I really wanna say, I can't define

It makes me laugh that my little fox is laid out by confusion. I've felt that way all day - just completely wiped. Yesterday I was on top of the world. I felt great and I believe I threw around the word happy. Today, not so much. I was tired and cranky and just felt yuck all day. I'm so confused. Why was I the Queen yesterday and today I just wanted to go back to bed and wish for Monday. Who wishes for Monday? People tell me I'll have days like this, but I don't really see other folk having days like this. If they really are, then it makes me sad how fast I fall for the illusions other people build. Maybe they are just not needy and so they don't tell everyone that they are having a bad day. They just cheer themselves up. I don't know. I just want to be Queen again. I like it so much better I think I can take anything on. I'm just a fun girl when I'm like that. So now the question is how do I hold onto that?

I'm okay

No really. I'm okay. I had a fantastic day working another wedding. I caught myself saying "When I get married again..." which is an amazing statement. I had already said I'd never get married again. I may throw "never" out of my vocabulary. I find myself dreaming about all sorts of things: moving away, getting my degree, having a business...It's weird, all the nevers that are slowly disappearing. And you know what, I'm happy in those dreams. I think I might be happy now. Is this what happy feels like? I smile just because. That's so not me. It might seem like something I would do, but it really isn't something I've done for awhile. And normally I'd feel bad going on and on about me, but these past few days, I've been okay with that. I'm okay with the idea that I have pretty eyes and a not so bad figure and great legs. I'm okay with thinking I might be smart enough and actually kind of talented. I'm even considering that there are some things that I am better than. Crazy, I know. You know what though, someday I'm going to be a great catch for someone. I'm going to be that girl who turned a head, the one who stood out. Someday I'll deserve that again. Someday, I'll know that I deserve that. So for now, I'm okay. And that's a good thing.

slipping into dreams...

Found a new website today: deviantArt.com. AMAZING. I got lost looking at all the paintings and photographs. I had forgotten how much I love art. When I get into my new place I'm filling the walls with black and whites. I can hardly wait to have a blank canvas so to speak. My whole new life is black and white and I am slowly adding the color. I think I'm starting to love this. I still hate being lonely, but the alone time is less bad. It's good dreaming time. It's almost sweet to remember that I once wanted to be a writer; that I love the color red as much as I love blue, but not so much with yellow; that pizza tastes better than anything else on a Friday night and pie is good for breakfast. I had forgotten how moldable I am. I have definitely have opinions, but I get caught up in other people's excitement and take it on for my own. I love to share your passions, but I think I'll try to hold onto myself a little more firmly this time. I think I'll buy a CD even though someone else could make me one. I think I'll watch The Gilmore Girls season by season because I have always wanted to watch it. I think I'll grow my hair out and get red streaks put in it. I think I'll get a tan and maybe buy a short skirt. I'm definitely going to get pink sheets - hot pink because I have always wanted to. I'll take Emi to the beach some day on a whim. I'll buy cute underwear for bad days I think I'll lust after someone for a while again and daydream that they are doing it back. And I'll take more pictures and I'll turn them black and white and hang them on my walls.

Le coeur a ses raisons...

Seriously people, I would like to have some way to funnel all the random thoughts that fly through my head into one place so I can sort through them later. I have some of the craziest thought throughout the day that really deserve further exploration, but most disappear in an hour and then... For instance, the whole process of time just boggles me. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone on that. Currently I am having an argument with myself because my head knows a whole bunch of stuff that my heart won't believe. Don't you just hate that? Really, I almost feel like two different people these days: the logical person and the hoper. I hate the hoper. She's unreasonable and easily crushed. Peak and Plunge, Peak and Plunge all the time with her. Unfortunately she's terribly dominant and stubborn and WILL NOT BE QUELLED.

They don't sell Peeps in June...

...so I am at work scarfing down Coldstone custom blended ice cream wishing wishing I could box the ears of Fate. It's because I laughed on Sunday isn't it? I had too much fun so now you do this. Well screw you. Every time you break me I mend stronger. Do it again, test me. I dare you.

juxtaposition makes the life worth living and other randomness

Another wedding under my belt. I was mostly the ribbon girl this time. Yay, for me who ties pretty bows. The entire floral scheme for the wedding was completely out of the box and I adore that! I just wanted to spend the day soaking up how to make beautiful things people had never seen before. The reception site was AMAZING! It was at Downtown 202 which is this fantastically old building. All of the outer walls are brick and the floors are wooden and the ceiling is high with exposed duct work - it's fantastically distressed. BUT THEN...sparkling chandeliers and candlelight and chocolate brown satin table cloths. There were huge glass vases full of twisted willow branches and orchids suspended in little glass globes, ballet slippers overflowing with roses and hydrangea on the buffet. The absolute, take my breath away best part: the favors were little brown paper fortune tellers. Do you remember fortune tellers from elementary school. You folded a piece of notebook paper in a particularly knacky way and then wrote like numbers on the outside and colors on the inside and then lifted the little flap to write a fortune. Well these people had their names and wedding date on the outside and wedding words on the inside and wedding related instructions on the little flap like "dance the night away" and "live happily ever after." I was blown away at the whimsy.Amy totally overshot how long she'd need me yesterday so I was out of there close to 7. I headed straight to Wolfpen (ridiculously overdressed) to see Cowboy Mouth. Sarah came. Yay Sarah! It was a good time and the boys seemed to like my girl so I was happy. And then (oops) we agreed to ride over to Northgate with the boys. Any other night I probably would have had a blast, but after about 10 minutes I realized that I was exhausted and wanted to leave. Not so much for our ride. Sarah and I were quickly deserted for better tail and left to our own devices. I called everyone who could plausibly bail us out. Oddly (well not really), they were all on Northgate save one and I have no clue where he was (my guess is sleeping and I hesitated to call for that very reason). So we then proceeded to walk all over Northgate running into the various people I had called. I wish I hadn't been tired Miss Crabby Pants, because I would have otherwise had a fantastic time. Sarah's a fun girl and everyone we saw were fun people. Oh well. Lesson learned - take your own damn car to Northgate. Luckily Jim let us highjack his truck and play a round of pick up all the cars. I came home and went straight to bed and I assume the rest of the world drank on through. I'll be less of a party pooper some other day and try not to regret how unable to enjoy myself I was last night.And now I am off to shower and go to work (Athletics) and then do some Mary Kay and then softball with the firefighters. Evidently I am supposed to wear a short black skirt to this softball game. Yeah, I don't have one...poor firefighters will have to make due with khaki shorts. Although, they are supposedly wearing our assigned uniform so I'll see if I can't pull something together to oblige the boys . Maybe I'll just leave that to some of my teammates.