Thursday, August 3, 2006

'cause it's not like the movies where I'm strong

It would be absolutely fantastic if my life could be scripted by 30-year olds. Then, everything I said would be witty and perfectly timed. But no. So there are all these little conversations that will never happen anywhere but in my head which is sometimes so very very frustrating. I'd also need script writers for everyone else so I always make good points and come out on top. Good luck with that. But in the meantime here's how it goes in my head (or my portion at least):You think I don't know you. That I live in a world where other people don't do wrong. I know you. I see you when you aren't paying attention. The knowledge of what you do when I'm not around comes creeping back to me. I still love you. I just wish you loved me enough to trust me.I cannot speak for anyone else but it isn't that I wasn't thinking of people other than me. I am rarely selfish. I would go to the ends of the earth for just about anyone and half the time I do so that is not a fair statement. The thing is, it wasn't about you. It wasn't about hurting you or smirking while we saw how long it could stay hidden. It never occurred to me that you were too nice or too naive to figure it out - I knew it was only a matter of time. It was about me. For once it was about me. It was about clinging to something that let me feel and let me feel good. It was about getting lost in an extreme so I could find myself. It was about no regrets. I am sorry you got hurt and I am sorry you took it personally. But you were never the point.You once told me that you didn't want to fade away with such a disgusted tone in your voice, like I'd uttered blasphemy. And then that is exactly what you did.You are nothing but excuses. Its never your fault. There is always some circumstance to blame. Do you know how weak that makes you look?You frustrate me to no end. You are a genius dammit. Do you know how far you could go? Stop being mediocre. People would give their right hand to have what you have; to have just part of the gifts you have. But you just sit behind a desk wondering why you can't master anything. It's because you don't try. My encouragement means nothing to you and my jealousy is in vain.I hate that you know you deserve better and just stay with him. Not only that but you bend over for him. What happens if he breaks you and you no longer have the will to go after what you really want? You are gorgeous and smart and sexy and kind and everything I want to be. It hurts that you shove all your power into some secret place and only let it out when he's not around. You don't love him and I so want you to love. I want you to love so badly. and I want you to have someone who loves you as much as I do. Someday it is going to hurt more for you to hide it than it will for you to let it all out. I hope I'm there.You never even tested me. You just decided that I couldn't handle any more. You don't really see me. You put me in a box just like everyone else. Why don't you stop and really look, really listen? How about you be all of you and let me handle it? Don't tell me I'm not good enough and then stall on me. Push me, I might push back and surprise you.If I hear you say one more time that you have been unable to come to terms with your mediocrity I will beat the living crap out of you. You can't come to terms with it because you aren't mediocre. If you are any kind of ordinary it is extra-ordinary. You are doing it baby! You bust your butt every day on your dream. The results are amazing! You are amazing. Believe me, if they weren't I'd be asking you why because I know you are only capable of producing the very best. You are a hero of my story.So what you are supposed to pretend here is that none of the people I'm talking to are smarter than me. I know them through and through. There is no piece of worldly knowledge that hasn't occurred to me to reveal my ignorance. Haha. Oh well. Maybe someday I will have the upper hand and I'll impress everyone (and hopefully not sound too bitchy b/c then my fantastic comebacks would be marred later when i started to worry about them).

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