Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Its been a while since I could say I love myself as well

And so a new semester starts. I've got this sort of excited apprehension going. Like right after you take the shot but before it hits you; when you're still just hanging there wondering if the burn in your throat is the start of a good night or a bad. I can't wait. I'm finally feel like I'm getting to a good place. More precisely, I think I'm getting to a me I like. I find myself generally in a good mood. I drove to Dallas this past weekend and enjoyed my own company just fine. I have, perhaps, indulged in some less than savory vices, but... Well, there really is no legitimate "but." Frankly, I am using the excuse of getting it all out of my system until I have worn it out. I don't want to waste any more time resenting what I have because of something I think I've missed out on. So far, I've found my focus much improved and the rough patches seem to hit me less hard. Dare I say I find that snarkiness is less disturbing these days? Indeed, I think I do dare.

Emily is growing and changing beautifully. The other day she "disciplined" me. Oh yes. When I failed to hand her the requested balloon she calmly counted to three for me. It was great. Already she is trying to put her little shoes on herself and she just has such distinct ideas about how things should work. I love her so much and am so excited to see what kind of people we become. I only hope she takes some time to surpass me.

Ben's visit was amazing. Alas, I was happy to see him go. No worries, I'll be thrilled to see him again in March. His visit has provided some clarity but not as much of the expected comfort. It hurt to have to turn him down after all these years. But, the timing sucks. I'm just starting to be me, to belong to me. I don't want anyone else helping to mold that right now. I get to be mine first and for awhile. Shame on me for not seeing that sooner. But I do love him. Hopefully we'll be the best of friends. I love his insight and the way he puts things. I adore that his concept of people centers around who they would invite, dead, alive, fiction or non, to a dinner party. You see the point is to find out if they are more concerned with satisfying their own personal curiosities or with throwing a good dinner party. I would throw a damn good dinner party.

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