mmmmm. pie.

Cryptic

So I guess I had expected that once the worst thing that could be said was said and the worst thing that could be done was done, it could only get better. I was wrong. I found another worst. I can't find a best. The decision is all mine and I am so unequipped to make decisions...to take the blame. Still mostly a child. The lack of emotion is more overwhelming than the emotion would have been. Imagine my surprise. Sometimes I want to laugh. Sometimes I can't breathe. The tears are dry and exhaustion has set in. And now that this is done and I've prepared myself to deal with it, I wonder if I can force myself to go through the ripping pain of undoing.

Yay for having a life!

I went to my first A&M volleyball game last night. It rocked. I sat in the student section and tried (let me emphasize the "tried") to do the yells and stood the whole time and tried (again with emphasis) to follow the game and had the absolute best time. I even ran into Duane who is an old good friend that I'd sort of lost touch with. Is it weird that the teams score whenever the other team makes a mistake? Okay, well I think it's weird, but I also wonder if our football team would play better if the other team scored each time we made a mistake. Hmmm. Tonight I am (hopefully) going to learn how to two-step. I really wanna take lessons from the Wranglers but I haven't found a partner yet and you have to have one to take the class. Oh well. In past news, good times with Hava and Michelle this weekend. It was so nice to have a little visit. But, what's up with Tricia!? Are you busy sweetie? You haven't updated since September! That's like forever. I still love you though. A volleyball and cowboy week for everyone, J-

Whew!

I got an e-mail from Ben today. I am so relieved. I haven't heard from him in months and I was about two seconds away from checking our local troops in Iraq board to make sure he hadn't deployed. Big sigh of relief. I think he's having a pretty crappy time of it though. I guess my paradise isn't for everyone. Can you imagine being sad in Hawaii. I think most of it stems from boredom. It must be hard living on an island you can completely cover in 6 hours. So far this week: new underpants and old friends. Off to a good start. :-)

New underpants!!

Okay so you all probably don't need to know this, but I have new underpants today!!! If you know one thing about me, know this: I get very excited about the littlest thing and must share with everyone. So I have new underpants. They are supergirl underroos!! You all remember underroos. Well now they make them for women. It's very exciting. So now you are all part of my happiness yay. Superhero unmentionables and a good day to you!J-

I guess its about time...

So it's been like a year or something since I last updated, so I figured it was about time. I'm so lazy, I just like to read about everyone else. I'm not up to a whole lot. Working and hanging and that's about it. Last night Jessica H. came over to eat my really salty fried chicken and watch Charlie's Angels Full Throttle. She's so cute because I tell her she does not need to bring anything but the movie, when she shows up she has the movie, wine, a case of beer, ice cream and mashed potatoes and a late birthday present. It's nice, but still I feel bad. We just had salty fried chicken and corn. Fun was had by all. Friday she and her fiance are coming over for kabobs, then we're ditching our men to go pick up some new hotties at the clubs. Actually, we just like to tease all the horny college boys with what they can't have (like there's not a million sex kittens at these clubs). I'm really looking forward to it. Saturday is another A&M game and Sunday is RenFest. Looks like it'll be a good weekend. I heard from Hava and am so so proud of her for interviews and royalty and whatnot. Good job! And, Evil Frank, I really feel ya on those crappy memorization tests. Someday we'll talk, because when I rule the world that will all change so your input may be important. Big fat freakin' tiaras and greasy tacos to everyone. J-

PAAAARTY

I had the very best weekend. Friday night Jesse and I met Amanda and Tifani at POETS for some pool and drinks. We ran into an old friend who we had thought dropped off the planet. Then we went to Denny's with Shannon. Most of us were more than just a little tipsy, and even though the waiter probably sees drunken people at 1:30am all the time, I'm sure he thought we were pretty wierd. Saturday I cleaned house and worked on my room. Then, the real fun began. I got all sexified and Amanda and Tif came to pick me up and we headed to Concepts, this badass techno club. We drank and danced and danced and drank until our legs couldn't function any more. Buttery Nipples and Cosmopolitans rule!!! I'm so glad there was a McDonalds open at 3:30 even if a cop followed us the entire way from the club. Needless to say, I was exhausted and my legs were killing me yesterday. It was so so worth it though. Now, I'm back to reality at my job doing travel vouchers and receipts. Oh well, it's really not that bad. Hopefully Hava and Trish will read this and decide that I am worth visiting and can show them a really really good time.Your party girl,J-

Eat your heart out!!! I have tickets to the A&M vs UT game!!!

A Working Girl

Well, here it is my third day working for A&M. I'm having fun, but let me tell you, it is not what I expected. After I was hired they sort of rearranged everyone's job description so I'm not exactly doing the job I interveiwed for. I'm sort of a glorified receptionist instead of a bookkeeper. It's a little odd. The people are all really nice except for a few catty students I ran into yesterday. Catty people are everywhere - what're ya gonna do? That's all I really have time for. I have to type travel vouchers now.Later,J-

To see a friend

It is always such a disappointment when you have a friend that you think is a pretty decent person. They may have their flaws, but for the most part you just see those as differences of opinion and continue with your friendship. Then, one day, you see the way they treat another person and suddenly you're not sure if this is a person you really want as a friend.

I am the Queen!!!

I got the job! I got the job! I got the job!! I start on the 29th. My current boss took it really really well. I am so excited. I can do stuff after work. I get retirement. I get to dress all businessy!! In fact, I bought me a sexy little skirt with matching jacket all with RED pintstripes! I am so ready for this. Woohoo Woohoo!

The Jitters

Deep breath. Today I have a job interview. More specifically I have been called back for a second round of interviews. I am so so nervous. I've been needing a change and since the school thing didn't quite materialize I thought I'd try a new work thing. Now that it's come down to it though.....{sigh} My current boss doesn't know. She thinks I'm picking my mother-in-law up from the airport. I didn't lie, I just didn't tell the whole truth so I feel bad about that. I'm so jittery I keep screwing things up at the office today so I'm worried they'll figure out what's really up, plus I feel bad that I'm not performing 100%. I made it to the second round of interviews, which is really exciting, so if it doesn't pan out I'll feel bad about that. Oh well. I'm doing my very very best to get this job. Letters of recommendation, samples of professional correspondences I've prepared, additional references, the whole nine yards. Wish me luck!!

Birthday!!!!

Today is Jesse's birthday. I am so so so so excited! I got him all these neat gifts and a fun, sexy little card. I just love shopping for gifts. I am the queen of finding the perfect gifts for people. You may all bow to me later. As soon as I get off work I'm gonna bake a cake and I got these cool little happy birthday candles to put on it. I hope today goes fast so the party can get started! I'm working myself into an even better mood just thinking about it.

you know, this weekend I met a guy who told me I was cynical. I don't think I'm cynical at all. Isn't that odd?

Well, I decided to update today because it has obviously been awhile, but I don't really have anything to tell about. I turned 21 last Sunday, but only 3 people of the 15 that promised showed up to help me celebrate and the restaurant kept running out of ingredients for the drinks so there was little drunkenness and some disappointment. but still a lot of laughing. Tomorrow Jesse turns 24 and we will eat Freebirds. You have not experienced eating until you have had a supermonster from Freebirds. I got him a ton of fun presents so I'm excited to see him open them all. Friday we leave for Cammie's wedding. What more exciting way to spend a Friday and the following Monday than in the car for 12 hours with your parents. Every time Jesse's mom calls I freak out b/c I an so afraid Danner will have passed and the funeral will be the same weekend as the wedding and I'll have to choose between my two families. Ugh. That's it. Now you know why I sort of found updating useless, but at least now everybody out there knows what's going on here. Later Days, J-

It says it all

So you're cynical about love. All these journal entries that have been posted about nothing being permanent, not even love. Jesse's dad said it all. You see, Jesse's mom, Beth, has been in Missouri the last 2 months taking care of Danner as she slowly slips away. Yesterday, this tough as nails, Harley riding man told Jesse that he can't sleep in the bed he and Beth share. "...even though we don't really cuddle and touch when we sleep, I know she's not there. I can't hear her breathing and......it's just hollow." Twenty six years of marriage my friends and his room feels hollow if he can't hear her breathing at night. So take your cynicism and shove it!!! 26 years may not be forever, but it's good enough for me. That statement does not come from the mouth of someone using love as an empty means to prop up the wobbling coffee table of his relationship. It came from the mouth of someone who knows what it's like to really truly love someone. He's not withering away without her he just misses her. The point, to love someone is to want them more than you need them.

AHHHHH

Nobody's updated since Monday!!! Don't you people know I am bored at work and need you to constantly keep me amused? Update dammit update!!!!!

Crazy for Crazy in Alabama

I love Melanie Griffith. I've always loved her, but now I'm crazy about her. Last night I engrossed myself with Crazy in Alabama. the character she played is nothing short of charming. I instantly loved the movie and Lucille (M.G.) Ooooo I would so love to be charming with a thick southern accent and moves that make men exclaim "what a woman" as I walk away. But aside from my new ideal, the movie was good. It had a good story and I think Antonio Bandares did an excellent job directing. Just Yummy. :-)

giggle giggle

Bobcat Goldwaith...doing Bono...who has stolen YMCA from the village people...performing dressed as all the village people!!!! Just try to picture it. It doesn't get much better than that.

ah memories

Okay, on my way to work I heard Champagne Supernova for the first time in ages!! I love how songs bring back memories. Mmmmm, the ocean...

New Shoes!!!

Man there is nothing like new shoes to put a girl in a good mood. Thanks to my mummy who bought two pairs of tennis shoes and gave them to me as an early birthday present!! I have not had a pair of tennis shoes for over three years. Yippee for retro rides in black suede and sporty new kicks with navy blue stripes!!! (and don't worry, I'm not that spoiled. tennis shoes are expensive but mom got both pairs for less than $50, and they are Sketchers nonetheless!!!)

9 years

Wow, I was just entering bills for a client when it hit me that today is July 10, Kim's birthday. This is the first time in 9 years that I will have not bought her a birthday gift. She's 21. I would have been making plans to go to Olive Garden to drink Italian Sangria's followed by a big house party with lots of tequila. Hugging and fun and the perfect birthday gift from me. I always got her the perfect birthday gift. I hope she is happy. I really mean that.

Well I've done it and there is no turning back now!!!

I could not breathe, I could only cry

http://64.177.83.63/liberty/email.htm

A Weekend to Remember

It's almost here!!! I'm coming to Denton. Gonna see Hava!! Maybe I'll get to see Matt. Goin' to my first concert. Doing a happy dance now as I try not to wet my pants. Woohoo Woohoo Woohoo!!!Big Weekend Excitement to everyone,J-

Politics

Okay, I have never really followed politics. I don't know much about anything governmentally concerned. However, I got this e-mail today and I am thoroughly intrigued. Does anyone know where I can find out how much of this is true? I think it might be time for me to get interested.
Subject: Your pocket (and life) is affected by this
Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the federal government to "put away," you may be interested in the following: Q: Which party took Social Security from an independent fund and put it in the general fund so that Congress could spend it? A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the Democratic-controlled House and Senate. Q: Which party put a tax on Social Security? A: The Democratic party. Q: Which party increased the tax on Social Security? A: The Democratic Party with Al Gore casting the deciding vote. Q: Which party decided to give money to immigrants? A: That's right, immigrants moved into this country and at 65 got SSI Social Security. The Democratic Party gave that to them although they never paid a dime into it. Then, after doing all this, the Democrats turn around and tell you the Republicans want to take your Social Security. And the worst part about it is, people believe it! Pass it on please! 2004 Election Issue This must be an issue in "04". Please! Keep it going. SOCIAL SECURITY: Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election years. Our Senators and Congress men & women do not pay into Social Security and, of course, they do not collect from it. You see, Social Security benefits were not suitable for persons of their rare elevation in society. They felt they should have a special plan for themselves. So, many years ago they voted in their own benefit plan. In more recent years, no congress person has felt the need to change it. After all, it is a great plan. For all practical purposes their plan works like this: When they retire, they continue to draw the same pay until they die, except it may increase from time to time for cost of living adjustments. For example, former Senator Byrd and Congressman White and their wives may expect to draw $7,800,000.00 (that's Seven Million, Eight-Hundred Thousand Dollars), with their wives drawing $275,000.00 during the last years of their lives. This is calculated on an average life span for each. Their cost for this excellent plan is $00.00. Nada, Zilch. This little perk they voted for themselves is free to them. You and I pick up the tab for this plan. The funds for this fine retirement plan come directly from the General Funds-our tax dollars at work! From our own Social Security Plan, which you and I pay (or have paid) into-every payday until we retire (which amount is matched by our employer) --we can expect to get an average $1,000 per month after retirement. Or, in other words, we would have to collect our average of $1,000.00 monthly benefits for 68 years and one (1) month to equal Senator Bill Bradley's benefits! Social Security could be very good if only one small change were made. That change would be to jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators and Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us ... then sit back and watch how fast they would fix it. If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe good changes will evolve.

ahhh

After a weekend with Hava I feel nice and centered. I guess I needed her visit even more than I thought. I giggled so much I think even Hava was a little weirded out (once I start I can't stop). Finding Nemo absolutely rocked!!!! If you haven't seen it you have to go even if it is just to see the pelican beat the crud out of that creepy little girl. hee hee hee.

I could just pee!!!

I'm doing the happy dance cause Hava is on her way!!!! Okay, maybe she won't be on her way until tomorrow, but she's on her way none the less. It's so nice to have company coming!!! Okay, now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Twilight Zone

You know what's weird? When two people who totally remind you of each other, have never met, and have ocean between them keep doing the same type of thing at the same time. Whoa.

almost death

I actually don't know where to start. To tell you the truth death does not remind me of my own mortality. It reminds me that everybody else is mortal and I may have to watch them all leave me. Jesse's grandmother, who is now my grandmother, has been diagnosed with acute leukemia. Her 70 year old body, which has survived depression and war, and overcome two cancers which gave her only a 2% survival rate may not be able to kick this thing properly in the ass. Really, she loved her husband so much we thought she'd be buried next to him very soon after he died. Nope. She's still kicking, really hard. Until last Tuesday. My grandparents are getting old. My mom is being eaten away by disease. Jesse's mom smokes and his dad drinks. And there are drunk drivers and murderers and war and heart attacks to take everybody else too soon. Obviously I am having my first experience with death. In the past people have just sort of faded away like old photographs. I don't like this. It makes me hurt. Fri we'll be in Missouri pretending to be on a nice normal visit when really we'll be saying good-bye. Everybody will laugh and eat good food and pretend a miracle is not about to be quenched. I wish she could just be a friend that moved far away and eventually lost touch. I just don't like this.

Emotional outburst

Every weekend is the same. They all end with me upset at Jesse, or someone, but usually Jesse. All of them. Every single one. I suppose initially you may think that Jesse must do an awful lot of things wrong. That is untrue. Jesse does a great amount of things right. So I'm all upset and crying and basically throwing an end-of-the-weekend tantrum - I forget over what (that should really tell you how often I throw these upset fits). Jesse is trying to make me feel better because he pretty much knows its useless to get mad over something trivial. Something else he knows is that I can never just turn off my mad (I have too much pride and my mood swings are just not that quick). I did however, calm down enough to let erupt something that has been bothering me for the last few fights: "How is our marriage going to work when I end every two day stint with you angry?" After I blew my nose I had an epiphany. It can't be everyone else all the time. There must be something wrong with me. I cannot keep friends. I don't know if you've ever met someone who takes a prescription for being bi-polar or something similar, but after awhile (especially if they've missed a few days on meds) they get this attitude of "why do I have to take pills for everyone else to get along with me?" I don't take meds, never have. I figure I am afflicted with the same human condition as everyone else and I should just learn to deal with stuff using what God gave me and no extra additives. (although, sometimes I find that funny b/c I take headache meds and allergy stuff - but that's beside the point). It's true, though. It is me. I'm picky and overbearing. Basically I like things done my way and I usually feel like only I can get them done right. I get snappish and cold. Anyone who spends time with me knows how hard it is to be around me after awhile. Lucky for Hava she lives away from me and I see her too little to not be on my best, sweetest behavior. Jesse says that I can start making myself better now that I've identified the problem and admitted it. I told him that this is me better. I used to throw fits more than once a day. If I'm unhappy everybody must know I am unhappy. I used to insist that everybody else be unhappy as well. Of course I though the problem was that I was an only child and I didn't want everyone to think I was spoiled. I hated me then. I think I may still hate me now. Still, sometimes knowing the affliction isn't enough. You can't take the first step if you don't know what it is or in what direction in lies.

Paranoid or otherwise

I swear that this chick in my office is trying to get me fired. I constantly hear her talking about me and trying to move blame from herself to me. There are only 5 people in this 1500 square foot office, surely she realizes I can hear her. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm a nice person who works hard and it sucks that she's got to make my job harder by constantly making me uncomfortable or unhappy. She's smart and a fast learner, she can move up her own without making me look bad. GRRRR.

Because of me...

Yesterday I got probably the best compliment ever. I was helping a guy do a tax return. Many many people are unpleasant when doing their taxes which is why it's pretty much my job to deal with just about everybody who walks through the door because I have a knack for talking to people. However, this guy was extremely pleasant so it was easy for me to be nice. Anyway, when all was done and he was starting to go he turned back and told me had pleasant it had been working with me. He went on to say that working with people like me, good christian men and women of my caliber, made him believe that God still had good people in this world. The world was still good because of me. I went home at 5 and cried. I was thrilled. Just last year I actually denied any connection with God. I DENIED Him! Since then, I've rearranged my priorities, but I've been filled with questions and doubt these last few weeks. Yesterday, God knew I needed that man. So now pretty much everyone (not that anywhere close to everyone reads my stuff, but you know what I mean) knows how sentimental I am. They all know that I'm Christian, not atheist, agnostic, skeptic or Jew. I kinda wanted to hide it because I was afraid that certain people who I've been trying to impress may not want anything to do with me. But, I am what I am. I'll tell you what: I think I'm happier than three of those other types I listed.

As it is with Sequals

Well, went to see Reloaded this weekend. Good movie, not great, but good. I have to say it left me rather unsatisfied. I personally wasn't left contemplating any new theories as with the first. Quite frankly I found their use of sound and special effects trivialized a lot of scenes that should have been important. I mean honestly, did anyone feel Neo was really threatened by the multitude of Smiths since it sounded more like he was bowling strikes than like a genuine fight scene? Also, there was so much foreshadowing and emphasis on stuff that never really played out. Surely someone else thought more was going to come from the kiss with Persephone. And they just totally ignored playing up the irony of Link's wife not wanting HIM to die. And really, did the digital orgasm add anything to the story? I guess I just expected more. Neo and Trinity make a hot couple though and, as always, Lawrence Fishburne rocked!

Just a glimpse

I love books, movies, and captivating conversation. I love being able to look into other worlds and just wonder. There's someone new I'd like to invite into a fish bowl. I like looking through his eyes. He sees the left side of things when I only look at the right side. I'm ready for a good argument or maybe a change of mind. I doubt his interest though. Should I pursue? And Hava's in trouble because she didn't call me twice. I know finals are over you snot!! Call me. Matt, I hope you're doing better. You seem bitter over stuff much too quickly these days, especially people's opinion of you. On the other hand, it's been a long time since I've been aware of what's up with you. If it makes you feel any better, my opinion of you is still well above low.

What I hate most

I hate how judgmental I can be. I try to work on it, really I do. In fact I'm really down today because I voiced an opinion of the way Jesse does something and he got uber irritated. I've been holding it in for days, maybe even a few weeks. I just couldn't stand it anymore this morning. I tried to point it out very gently (no yelling, no unfair arguments - I'm infamous for both), but he said my tone and accusing phrases were "uncool." I don't like to fight with my husband, but he seems to think I pick arguments with him for fun all the time. Its just frustrating that I thought I was trying so hard and he didn't even notice my efforts - which means he didn't make a move toward compromise. Fighting sucks. Peaceful relationships to you all, JG

Sigh and smile

Some times you look around and sigh and smile. I'll tell you what beats it all. Sitting at your new old desk made out of a door from a barn, in your newly painted study listening to jazz. Reading lj to catch up with old friends who are happy at last. The cat in your lap, dog at your feet, and the only light comes from the red lava lamp. Thank God for being able to enjoy the small things. Sigh and smile. I miss you Hava. Had another episode with Kim. Let's make plans soon.