Monday, May 26, 2003

Emotional outburst

Every weekend is the same. They all end with me upset at Jesse, or someone, but usually Jesse. All of them. Every single one. I suppose initially you may think that Jesse must do an awful lot of things wrong. That is untrue. Jesse does a great amount of things right. So I'm all upset and crying and basically throwing an end-of-the-weekend tantrum - I forget over what (that should really tell you how often I throw these upset fits). Jesse is trying to make me feel better because he pretty much knows its useless to get mad over something trivial. Something else he knows is that I can never just turn off my mad (I have too much pride and my mood swings are just not that quick). I did however, calm down enough to let erupt something that has been bothering me for the last few fights: "How is our marriage going to work when I end every two day stint with you angry?" After I blew my nose I had an epiphany. It can't be everyone else all the time. There must be something wrong with me. I cannot keep friends. I don't know if you've ever met someone who takes a prescription for being bi-polar or something similar, but after awhile (especially if they've missed a few days on meds) they get this attitude of "why do I have to take pills for everyone else to get along with me?" I don't take meds, never have. I figure I am afflicted with the same human condition as everyone else and I should just learn to deal with stuff using what God gave me and no extra additives. (although, sometimes I find that funny b/c I take headache meds and allergy stuff - but that's beside the point). It's true, though. It is me. I'm picky and overbearing. Basically I like things done my way and I usually feel like only I can get them done right. I get snappish and cold. Anyone who spends time with me knows how hard it is to be around me after awhile. Lucky for Hava she lives away from me and I see her too little to not be on my best, sweetest behavior. Jesse says that I can start making myself better now that I've identified the problem and admitted it. I told him that this is me better. I used to throw fits more than once a day. If I'm unhappy everybody must know I am unhappy. I used to insist that everybody else be unhappy as well. Of course I though the problem was that I was an only child and I didn't want everyone to think I was spoiled. I hated me then. I think I may still hate me now. Still, sometimes knowing the affliction isn't enough. You can't take the first step if you don't know what it is or in what direction in lies.

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