Monday, June 2, 2003

almost death

I actually don't know where to start. To tell you the truth death does not remind me of my own mortality. It reminds me that everybody else is mortal and I may have to watch them all leave me. Jesse's grandmother, who is now my grandmother, has been diagnosed with acute leukemia. Her 70 year old body, which has survived depression and war, and overcome two cancers which gave her only a 2% survival rate may not be able to kick this thing properly in the ass. Really, she loved her husband so much we thought she'd be buried next to him very soon after he died. Nope. She's still kicking, really hard. Until last Tuesday. My grandparents are getting old. My mom is being eaten away by disease. Jesse's mom smokes and his dad drinks. And there are drunk drivers and murderers and war and heart attacks to take everybody else too soon. Obviously I am having my first experience with death. In the past people have just sort of faded away like old photographs. I don't like this. It makes me hurt. Fri we'll be in Missouri pretending to be on a nice normal visit when really we'll be saying good-bye. Everybody will laugh and eat good food and pretend a miracle is not about to be quenched. I wish she could just be a friend that moved far away and eventually lost touch. I just don't like this.

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