How to annoy me

Decide 45 degrees is an optimal temperature for wearing your micro-mini and stilettos.  I don't care how acclimated you are to the climate, bundling yourself in four layers from the crotch up does not ensure your bare legs will remain warm.  Can't you look down and see that part of you has turned into a blueberry?!

Thinking

The thing with small towns is you can never make them any bigger. Big cities, however, can be as small as you want them to be. You never really have to leave a certain area. Somehow that's comforting.

There are some things I'll never understand

Among those things is snow. And the way people react to snow. Oh sure, I enjoy seeing my city transformed into a blanketed hamlet all sparkly and pure. That is to say, I enjoy seeing my city transformed when I can do so from the comfort of my centrally heated apartment while sipping french press coffee. Snow looks all nice and fluffy and sparkly, but IT IS NOT, in actuality, nice and fluffy. It is cold. And wet. Did I mention cold?

I also do not understand some of the things people do in the snow. Really? You want to lay down in all that cold wetness and flutter your arms? The other night Em and I watched The Nightmare Before Christmas (good flick). Jack the Pumpkin King discovers Christmas Town in all its snowy glory. He says "What's this?" Then he proceeds to pick up a handful of snow (which is totally new and unidentifiable to him) and put. it. in. his. mouth. Okay people, just because something is sparkly and white does not mean it is safe to eat. I have never in my life decided to pick a cold and wet mass up off the ground and STICK IT IN MY MOUTH. Why would anyone make such a decision? Okay, let me amend that: why would anyone who is neither a dog nor under the age of five make such a decision?

There are just some things I'll never understand.

Do you see what I see?

At work on Tuesday the Fed-ex man was incredulous when he found out no one had ever told me I look like Rene Russo. Dude, I'm so not seeing it.
Rene Russo circa Lethal Weapon 4:

Eh, I'll take take the compliment anyway.

How to charm me

Tell me I look "so classy" every time you see me.

More fun than...well, you know how it goes

Some people have somehow come to the conclusion that my cooking is quite enjoyable.  Weird, I know.  However, I thought it might be nice to occasionally add a favorite recipe so I can easily send folks a link when they ask "how did you make this scrumptious ambrosial treat?" So today *drum-roll please* you get Monkey Bread!

You'll need:

2 1-pound packaged refrigerated pizza dough
1 tablespoon cinnamon
1 cup sugar
8 tablespoons (1 stick) butter, melted
You might also want a half cup of raisins


Heat the oven to 375

Tear off small bits of the dough and roll them into 1  to 1 1/2 inch balls (this is Emily's favorite part). If you are adding raisins this is the time to do it.  Just roll a few right into each ball.

Combine the cinnamon and sugar in a bowl.  Dip each ball in the butter, then in the cinnamon sugar. Transfer the balls to a buttered Bundt pan.

Drizzle (okay, let's be honest here - there is not really anything bad that could follow this word when used in a recipe. I, for one, get a little excited over what could be next whenever I see the word "drizzle" in a recipe that calls for butter and sugar.) Drizzle any remaining butter over the top and sprinkle with any remaining cinnamon sugar. (See, didn't I tell you good things would follow that word?)

Bake until golden brown. The recipe calls for 40 minutes, but I highly recommend you cover the pan with foil after 20 or 25 minutes. Otherwise the top layer gets really tough. When the bread finishes baking, remove from the oven and let cool five minutes.

Place a plate on top of the pan and carefully flip the whole thing over (so that the pan is now on top of the plate). If you have a Bundt pan you are probably familiar with this move. Tap the top and sides os the pan to release the bread.

If you are lucky, you'll get bread that looks like this:

 

And a happy face something like this:

Rarely do friends come and then go

"Seriously?" she said with an eyebrow raised before crumpling back in her chair as she realized another bridge had been burnt without warning. It is never fair. And it never gets easier.

Emily!

On gifting:
E: I wanna do something for GeeGee's birthday!
J: Do you want to call her?
E: No, like I want to send her a gift.
J: I already sent her a gift.
E: No, Mama! That was a card not a present.
J: No, baby.  I had you decorate a card, but it went with a book I sent her.
E: A book? That's not a present, that is a book.
J: Well then what qualifies as a present?
E: You know...some jewelry...perfume...a toy she can play with...

Happy 80th birthday Grandma!

And the worst parent award goes to...

Not once, but twice I have failed to send Emily to school with her show and tell based on the letter her class is learning that week. I lost her pumpkin reading chart for the entire month of October. I have also failed to turn in her Friday homework book on Friday. And now. Now, I have helped her labor over a special project for an entire week only to tell her that it was due a whole day after it was actually due. My poor kid has failed to turn in five assignments on time, if at all, thanks to the crappy calendar-reading skills of her own mother. I have thus far written two apologetic notes (both with misspelled words, by the way.) to her teacher begging my kid not be penalized for my mistakes. Geez! I have my first ever parent-teacher meeting next Tuesday. I can only imagine the type of person this teacher is expecting next week. I will now cringe and dread our meeting for the next few days.

How to annoy me

Tell me my dress reminds you of Batman. Because Batman so totally wore brown ruffles. And shoes that are a "little bit Betty Boop."

Emily!

On being an animal lover (of sorts):
E: Mama I am half of every animal. I really am. Do you know what that is called?
J: Um, earlier you told me it was called a "cobra-ligress."
E: Well now its called a "souvenir."
J: A souvenir?
E: Yes, that's what I said.

Emily!

On her new boyfriend:
Shannon: Jacob, do you have two girlfriends tonight?
Jacob: Yis
Emily: And look, he has two hands so he can hold both of us!

This is the vampire Gabriella Juliette with "the other woman," Briana as a high school musical cheerleader.
And here is Jacob the "big pimpin'" dinosaur.

And, finally, three's company.

Note how in that last photo Jacob is looking at Emily not so much with adoration as with menace and terror while Briana looks completely nonplussed. I wish we had a picture to capture the way Jacob kept demanding the girls hold his hand and one that showed Emily's relentless mothering of her new "boyfriend." Briana was more or less ambivalent to the whole situation as it only loosely related to her trick-or-treating mission.

Emily!

On never guessing the age of a woman:
E: Mommy, I have been in kindergarten for a really long time.
J: Yeah...a couple of months.
E. Actually, it's been two months.
J: Right. Two. So do you feel old and wise now?
E: No, Mom! I'm not 50,000 years old like you!

Emily!

On monogamy:
My mom has two husbands! My daddy and Ben.

On the need for more after-school specials:
E: Can Emma come to the Halloween party with us?
J: What Halloween party, baby?
E: You know, when we dress up and we go...and we dress up...you know!
J: No, I'm sorry sweetie, I don't know what you're talking about.
E: YOU KNOW, MOMMY! WHEN WE HIT THE STREETS!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Emi-isms for a brief explanation: Emily is a little confused as of late about marriage. I have had a time explaining that I am no longer married to her daddy. As she is rather fond of her dad, Emily cannot understand why I would ever make such a decision. She loves Ben, though, so I guess that keeps her from being too upset. In any case, she has been telling anyone who will listen that I am married to two men. Her daycare finds this amusing. THEN she shouted that sentence about hitting the streets, which was a reference to trick-or-treating by the way, in the hallway of said daycare. About 12 people poked their heads out of classroom doors and, when they saw it was Emily, did not even bother to stifle their giggles. What must those people think of me?

On bending the lines between reality and fantasy:
Aunt Sarah, let's play shopping. I have a pretend shopping cart for real. I really do.

What's that girlscout song?

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold.
Yeah yeah yeah; I'm cheesy. You people knew that long before you started reading my blog. Cheesy or otherwise, I definitely made a new friend this weekend. How excited am I to be bonding with someone in VA?! Yea me. I met Cat last week at an FRG meeting and loved the way she was ready to start making plans to hang out. Saturday we went to Kangaroo Jac's with our kiddos and then Sunday she and her son came over for dinner. For a nine-year-old boy, Kehli is a pretty cool kid. But Cat, is AWESOME. We spent the evening pouring out all those things that make our lives so bitterly preciously our own. I think that is something only girls do. I guess I'm supposed to be a woman now that I'm 27, but sometimes being a girl again is just what I need.
In keeping with the above-referenced silver and gold, Sarah is coming to town today! Em is bouncing off the walls and I am about ready to burst. Cat, Sarah, and I are totally going to return to girlhood in a big way on Saturday. We're planning to kick off our night on the town with an afternoon of clothes--swapping, hair-doing, make up tip fun. Weee! I'll be missing a few of my girls during Saturday's return to teen-ness (I'll send girly, sweet sixteen thoughts your way Laura and Hava), but it will be so very very nice to go out with the girls.
By the way, did you notice I figured out how to put a link in my post. How tech savy am I these days!

Playing Tooth Fairy

My baby, my BABY, lost her first tooth last night at dinner. She was DE-LIGHTED. There was, in fact, some dancing about. I have no idea where she gets these urges to dance in celebration. Ben promptly dialed the Tooth Fairy to report the newly detached member. Then we packed Emily off to bed with a Tooth Fairy story and placed her tooth in a small purple velvet pouch under her "E" pillow. Last night the Tooth Fairy (ahem, Mom) did her diligent duty and replaced the shiny white tooth with two shiny silver quarters. This morning when I woke Em up she held my face in her hands and whispered delightedly, "Last night I saw the tooth fairy! She looks like a little mouse."

Thinking

If it were my health reform plan, I'd totally make deep tissue massage a covered medical expense. Preventative medicine, baby.

Emily!

On good sportsmanship:
"Okay, we're going to see who runs faster. We both start at this line...but this is not a race, it is just to see who runs faster. Now on your mark, get ready, set, go! I'm gonna beat you!

On finding good help these days:
"Mama, did you just break the pony holder?" *insert eye roll and sigh* "You're fired."

How to charm me

Tell me I'm beautiful just as I'm falling asleep at night.

How to annoy me

Tell me my shoes are a little bit Betty Boop. Well your shoes are a little bit orthopedic.

So this is love

Ben and I have been married for almost 10 months now. Like never before I feel utmost confidence in his love for me. Often when people have been together for awhile the compliments start to fall on deaf ears. I'm not sure if there is a name for this unfortunate syndrome but I know I've fallen prey to it in the past. I suppose it is similar to the way a teenage girl decides her mother has to think she's beautiful because that's what mother's do.

Last night Ben and I were watching what Not to Wear together. Now I don't want to mislead anyone here. I don't have to force Ben to watch this show, but neither is it his favorite form of televised entertainment. During the make-up segment when Carmindy was explaining how to emphasize one's favorite features, I teasingly asked Ben which of my facial features were his favorites. He answered, quite genuinely, that he liked my nose and that "from the side, it is especially cute."

Now people, I have never given a lot of thought to my nose. It is a nice enough organ but nothing I've ever spent a lot of time loving or hating. When he said that, though, my heart fluttered in my chest and down to my toes. It has been echoing in my head all day. My husband thinks I have a cute nose! Isn't that just lovely?

I have no idea why this particular compliment means so much to me. I think it must be love.

Emily!

Acting as Emily Post:
B: Emily, it is horribly inappropriate to eat that with your fingers.
J: Yeah, baby. Please use your fork.
E. But why? I promise I'll pick them up with my fingers only when you aren't looking.

On life decisions:
That man in that truck is smoking! That will turn your lungs black, my body book says it. I hope he is happy with his decision to turn his lungs black.

On the drudgery of traffic jams:
E: Mom, why does the traffic have to be stopped both ways?!
J: I don't know, baby. I cannot control the traffic.
E: I wish you could. Then I wouldn't have to stare at the ugly old man.

Rain clouds and a cold. It must be Monday.

Three months. That's how long I've lived here. The summer is drawing to a close rather more quickly than I ever remember it doing in Texas. We are giving it a pretty good send off, though.

One Mr. David C. Caray (What does that other C stand for anyway? My guess is Christopher, but that seems too average.) came to visit. I got his trip off to a fabulous start by getting lost while leaving the airport. Let's face it, we are not true friends until you have been white-knuckled in my car as I narrowly avoid other vehicles and random inanimate objects while trying to figure out where I am. It's a good time. Really.

Dave arrived on Thursday followed by my husband on Friday and then the weekend. Saturday's weather was DE-LIGHT-FUL! We had to go to the beach before fall got here. We just had to. The boys decided we also had to grill bratwurst at the beach. HAD TO. It was just that kind of day. The waves were huge. What does that mean? It means I chased my kiddo all over the sand while Ben and Dave threw themselves at the waves. The ocean definitely gave them a beating, but they insist they "gave as good as they got." Yeah, I'm sure the big sea will think twice before tossing you about next time.

We returned home in a complete state of sand-covered exhaustion. Emily got the first bath which gave Dave enough time to invent Hennefress. It is a blend of Hennesey and Fresca served on the rocks. It is delightfully refreshing until you swallow and are hit with the indescribable aftertaste. Needless to say, our day at the beach had not left Dave in his right mind. After the remaining members of the household showered and Michelle, the babysitter from paradise, arrived me, Ben and Dave drove to The Winehouse in Ghent for a date with the Oberlins and some cats called Jenny and Matt. I won't lie, we rocked out to Sinatra and Flogging Molly the entire drive. The food was so good, the wine was good, the Mojito was A-MAZING, and the company kept me laughing. Jenny was hilarious. Ben, sadly, was a little sun sick so he interacted as much as he could, but did not have nearly the good time I had. By the way, thanks again for dinner and the drinks Dave!

Sadly, the sunshine has now been replaced by rain and I can barely breathe thanks to the thousand pounds of snot in my sinuses. Ugh, it must be Monday. And fall.

Emily!

On social behavior:
"Naturally, Jafar loses because he is not acting beautiful on the inside."

On thinking scientifically:
E: Why does there have to be so many people on Earth?
J: Well I don't know that there has to be, but there are a lot of people on Earth.
E: I know! I bet there are no other planets with people because they got hit by too many meteors and everybody moved here so they wouldn't have to live in busted up houses.

On wearing big girl panties:
"If anybody makes fun of my lip I'm just going to tell them 'I don't want to talk about it,' and walk away."

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

Where to start?

Virginia Beach I have arrived! Thus far, I think I love it here. There are people and tall buildings and stores! Oh the stores. These stores, they have designer shoes. They sell things such as Dior mascara. They are located next to little bistros serving wine and gellato and sushi! Oh my god, there is something shiny over there in the ANN TAYLOR STORE!

The great part about all those stores is I have a job. I go to this posh little boutique law office on weekdays and they pay me to wear all the cute work clothes I've accumulated, answer phones, print stuff and walk around fabulous downtown Norfolk. Twice a month the posh little law office deposits money into my account. Do you know who likes money? STORES!

Seriously, I wrecked my car on the way to my job interview so I have to pay a few thousand to cover all the damage done. For those following along at home that makes three wrecks in four years. I also have some Emily expenses to cover. Daycare here is expensive and she seems to outgrow clothes and shoes the second I pay for them. But other than that, I can spend money at all the great stores!

Speaking of Emily, she also has made it to Virginia Beach, albeit much more recently than I. She does not think she loves it here. She misses her daddy, and her granny, and Texas in general. I enrolled her in a summer camp that keeps her very active, but she is also very worn out from the lack of naps. In all, there is a lot of adjusting going on in my three-person household. Sadly, this means my firm mommy voice is getting a hefty work out. It is unsettling at best. Hopefully it is not permanent.

Okay, short recap. I love VB. I love Ben. Emily does not love VB, but she is fond of Ben. Our apartment is lovely. I wrecked my car. I got a job. Emily goes to summer camp. In less than a month I turn 27. Did I mention the STORES?

Emily!

This is actually a few weeks old - but oh so good. Emily and I had this conversation on January 1 while eating dinner with Ben, Sarah, and Dave. You have never in your life seen four adults working so hard to keep a straight face.

On keeping things vague:
E: ..an' then we watched Balto an'...
J: Oh you did? E:
Uh-huh. An'...
J: But you told me earlier you didn't watch any TV or movies at Grandma's house. So you told me a story. -complete silence at the table-
J: Either earlier today or just now you told a story.
E: Well it was an accident.
J: Which one.
E: The lying one.

Emily on keeping things vague

This is actually a few weeks old - but oh so good. Emily and I had this conversation on January 1 while eating dinner with Ben, Sarah, and Dave. You have never in your life seen four adults working so hard to keep a straight face.E: ..an' then we watched Balto an'...J: Oh you did?E: Uh-huh. An'...J: But you told me earlier you didn't watch any TV or movies at Grandma's house. So you told me a story.-complete silence at the table-J: Either earlier today or just now you told a story.E: Well it was an accident.J: Which one.E: The lying one.

Emily!

on theology:
J: Oh baby, you know what, we can't call Mindy right now. She's at church.
E: Why?
J: Well Mindy and Sean believe there is a God who made everything and gave us all we have. They also believe he made a man named Jesus who came to us from Heaven to teach us how to be good people. They go to church on Sundays to thank God for all that.
J: Aunt Have and Uncle Ryan believe in God too. They don't believe in Jesus, though. They go to Temple on Friday's to thank God and learn how to honor him by doing good deeds.
J: Mommy and Ben don't believe in God but we do believe in being good people and we try to find ways to good deeds too.
E: Well I don't believe in God either.
J: Okay, that is one choice and if you are ever interested in learning about God or what other people believe we can look into it or go to Church and Temple.
E: Oh! You know what?! We could go to Hawaii!

Emily on Theology

J: Oh baby, you know what, we can't call Mindy right now. She's at church.
E: Why?
J: Well Mindy and Sean believe there is a God who made everything and gave us all we have. They also believe he made a man named Jesus who came to us from Heaven to teach us how to be good people. They go to church on Sundays to Thank God for all that.
J:Aunt Have and Uncle Ryan believe in God too. They don't believe in Jesus, though. They go to Temple on Friday's to thank God and learn how to honor him by doing good deeds.
J: Mommy and Ben don't believe in God but we do believe in being good people and we try to find ways to good deeds too.
E: Well I don't believe in God either.
J: Okay, that is one choice and if you are ever interested in learning about God or what other people believe we can look into it or go to Church and Temple.
E: Oh! You know what?! We could go to Hawaii!

New but not too new

I'm not sure everyone noticed but it is 2009. In the tradition of starting a new year, I've made a few resolutions. I tried to not go overboard as that usually leads to failure. Still, I'm looking for my life to change drastically so I thought I might help it along with some changes of my own.
To start, I'd like to be a better parent. In general I've settled for doing the best I can. There's a lot of muddling through that goes with this. I think maybe this year I'll aim a little higher. I'm thinking part of this better parenting deal is going to involve being smarter than my kid. Do you know how hard it is to be smarter than a four-year-old? Try it some time. It is not unlike polishing a turd. There is a similar amount of poo involved though.
I think also I'd like a better body please. This is an entirely too overdone resolution, but I like the classics. For one, keeping in better shape will help me with the first resolution. One cannot just be smarter than a four-year-old, she must also be faster. Plus, have you seen my husband? HOT! In case you live under a rock, I snagged myself an Officer and a Gentleman. One who maintains the Navy Seal fitness regime. I could wash clothes on his abs. While this is really too much information for anyone who is not me and would embarrass him to no end, I'm sure you can all see why physical perfection is suddenly a priority. I slipped into a pair of his jeans the other day and they FIT ME. He's a good 8 inches taller than I so this will not do. I'd very much like my own set of ripped abs and firm buttocks thank you very much.
Finally, I'd like to be a better blogger. Note, I did not say more frequent - let's not be ridiculous. I'd simply like to turn out a more enjoyable product when I do actually blog. If I am reading this with my kid 10 years from now, I'd like to not be bored. It'd also be nice if my typing and grammar, once again, could exceed in quality that of my four-year-old.
So there you have it. My nice succinct list of resolutions. Further shortened it comes down to: more better, more better, more better. Yeah, I can do that.

New but not too new

I'm not sure everyone noticed but it is 2009. In the tradition of starting a new year, I've made a few resolutions. I tried to not go overboard as that usually leads to failure. Still, I'm looking for my life to change drastically so I thought I might help it along with some changes of my own.To start, I'd like to be a better parent. In general I've settled for doing the best I can. There's a lot of muddling through that goes with this. I think maybe this year I'll aim a little higher. I'm thinking part of this better parenting deal is going to involve being smarter than my kid. Do you know how hard it is to be smarter than a four-year-old? Try it some time. It is not unlike polishing a turd. There is a similar amount of poo involved though.I think also I'd like a better body please. This is an entirely too overdone resolution, but I like the classics. For one, keeping in better shape will help me with the first resolution. One cannot just be smarter than a four-year-old, she must also be faster. Plus, have you seen my husband? HOT! In case you live under a rock, I snagged myself an Officer and a Gentleman. One who maintains the Navy Seal fitness regime. I could wash clothes on his abs. While this is really too much information for anyone who is not me and would embarrass him to no end, I'm sure you can all see why physical perfection is suddenly a priority. I slipped into a pair of his jeans the other day and they FIT ME. He's a good 8 inches taller than I so this will not do. I'd very much like my own set of ripped abs and firm buttocks thank you very much.Finally, I'd like to be a better blogger. Note, I did not say more frequent - let's not be ridiculous. I'd simply like to turn out a more enjoyable product when I do actually blog. If I am reading this with my kid 10 years from now, I'd like to not be bored. It'd also be nice if my typing and grammar, once again, could exceed in quality that of my four-year-old.So there you have it. My nice succinct list of resolutions. Further shortened it comes down to: more better, more better, more better. Yeah, I can do that.