Don't ask me how I know...

Yesterday, I saw Jessica for the last time before her move. We had a lunch date yesterday, but opted to just eat at my apartment and watch Gattaca instead of heading to an actual restaurant. Our gourmet meal consisted of mimosas, sour cream and onion potato chips and red velvet cake. How fun is that? First of all, Gattaca is a "wow" movie and I think I'll have to buy it. Second of all, I just love Jessica. I love that we eat junk food at 2:00 in the afternoon for "lunch" and discuss everything under the sun. Spending time with her brought me to a revelation. Empathy is nothing. At one point in the afternoon Jess sighed, looked at me and said "I don't want to go home. It isn't even home; its just that place where my stuff is." I can so relate. My heart broke for her. I know that feeling of hopeless unbelonging. I know what its like to look at the walls that surround you and want to retch. But you know what, my knowing does nothing for her. My understanding and hurting for her does not make her hurt any less. It doesn't fill the hollowness. Empathy is possibly the most useless emotion ever. Along the same lines, its like people expecting you to learn from their mistakes. No. I can't and I won't. I have to make my own mistakes. Scratch that, I GET to make my own mistakes. It is the privilege of the human condition that I get my chance to royally screw up and reap all the ecstasy and misery that goes with it. Your pain does me no good because I won't gain anything from that. I can't hurt for you and you can't screw up for me. Just be my friend, not my protector and I'll do the same for you. So with all that running through my head I licked the icing off my fingers and walked Jess to her car. She started it up, sat for a minute and drove off. I hated to see her go, but I watched her drive away. And you know what? For once someone looked back. And there I was to blow a kiss and wave.

I don't know but Jessica...

Everybody should have a Jessica and I fully intend to devote at least on entire chapter of my book to her grrl genius greatness. Everybody needs a bombshell who is a bad influence in her life. It's just essential to good character development.Two weeks ago Jess helped me move. She was totally my rock and I am so glad she was there. The phrase of the weekend was: I don't know but Jessica... I left work early on Friday just too anxious about packing to sit at my desk any longer. I had so much to do. I took a break to get my haircut, which isn't really important unless you know that I tend to have a better time in general if I am having a good hair day. My folks showed up to help me around 6:30 and Jess go there some time after 8.There was not really anything productive happening once my parents left the two of us to our own devices. Mostly because I just could no longer remember how to pack and we all know there are severe limits on my common sense. This must mean it was time to eat. Now people, we did not put effort into anything else we did for the rest of the night. Our prep for dinner at the Sushi place included walking to the car. This means we were un jeans, tank tops, flip flops and no make-up, but with really good hair. We walked out of the hot humid house to the car and drove off. The end. Okay, that a lie b/c we both totally put lipstick on.Oh but it was an excellent dinner. Overpriced, but excellent. And our waiter was really cute and personable and totally agreed to eat with us. I love stuff like that. One hour, four rolls of sushi, two glasses of plum wine and several revelations about Jessica later we thought we'd wind down the night with a beer on Northgate.Thus began the "I don't know but Jessica..." portion of the night. I mean dinner was a logical choice. Sustenance is important and necessary. Considering our skeezed out appearance Northgate seemed an acceptable destination where no one would care that we hadn't made any effort. I also would like to take a moment to note that Jessica has an amazing body with fantastic cleavage so effort is not really necessary on her part. We definitely started in the direction of Northgate and I DON"T KNOW what happened BUT JESSICA was suddenly turning into the parking lot of Harry's. Well that was fine. I really like Harry's. I like the people there and I like to dance. A LOT. Somehow though this plan was not conducive to the 6:00 wakeup call for my move the next day. And Jess was broke after our rather extravagant meal. However, we did not pay for anything except cover, which only I had to pay (I attribute this to the large differance in mine and Jessica's assets.)We started with a shot and a beer apiece. I DON'T KNOW what I was thinking BUT JESSICA totally talked me into letting her take body shots off my "cleavage" and then me from hers. And my student worker absolutely caught me taking a shot out of some guy's fly. I danced with a 19 year old again and again and found myself smoking before more body shots. I danced with one guy who told me he was going to dip me and managed to konk my head on the floor (OUCH!). I spilled a beer on a girl I used to work with and felt horrible about it. Beth and Alfee were there although Alfee was rather down and I'm not sure why. Not a single person complained about my dancing. And in the end the bartender found us horribly entertaining. I DON'T KNOW how we got so much attention while in our grubbies, BUT JESSICA just always manages to make stuff like that happen.When we left our cradle robbed dance partners invited us back to their place to work on a bottle of vodka. I always think this kind of invitation is really funny. I know I keep a bottle of liquor at my house in case I need it in order to entice a cute boy home with me. If the me isn't enticing enough we have an issue. Jessica asked if there was going to be a mixer to help that vodka go down and we just received blank looks in response. In the end we managed to shrug off the 19 year olds and get into the car. We didn't get any further. This guy totally came flying across the parking lot and threw himself across the hood of the car. We rolled down the window to receive an invitation to a party at a hotel. I made some pointed comment about how they must be desperate to wait until the bar has closed to make their move and was assured that they thought we were with the young 'uns until they heard us shrug them off. Jessica volleyed with a remark about being scared of teenagers and I DON'T KNOW what was said next, BUT I hear JESSICA agree to "just an hour" at the party after checking their IDs to make sure they were at least an acceptable age.It turns out the guys were on some sort of softball team and in a tournament. We started off with some card games and then then some drinking games and I DON"T KNOW what the rules of this one drinking game was BUT JESSICA absolutely grabbed me and had her tongue take a count of my fillings and then somehow we ended up in the swimming pool. And I DON'T KNOW how or why BUT JESSICA did not have her clothes on.At 5:30 I managed to wrestle her out of the pool and away from the boys and get her into her car, which I drove. We couldn't find my keys forever, and tore apart her car looking for them. That sounds innocent enough unless you remember that Jess works for Victoria Secret. There were bras and panties ALL OVER my living room by the time we found those damn keys. We tumbled into bed and slept for about an hour before my mom showed up followed by the movers. We got everything moved in that one day and Jess was a total blessing. I don't think I could have made it without an emotional breakdown if she hadn't been there.I DON'T KNOW what my mom must have though when she saw all that underwear all over the house and our sopping wet clothes in the shower, BUT JESSICA was definitely the best thing that happened to me that weekend.

<Blink blink>

You want me to meet the girl you will "officially" start dating in September? She's 19?And yes, before you ask or think it, I do see the karma at work.

Frustration is...

...a lack of closure. Here it is, my first ever post that is not visible to everyone on my friends list. I shouldn't have to do it this way because I shouldn't have to feel the need to keep myself from people. It hurts. I feel like I was set up for a fall. He got to keep her confidence for being honest and I look like the bad guy for lying when I was asking to be honest all the time. My consideration for his feelings put me in a precarious situation and he exposed that. I'll never get to tell him because he doesn't care. That's the rub. That is what keeps me dwelling on all this mess. All the things that I want to point out and have explained will be left locked up and inexplicable. And HE DOESN'T CARE. I knew this would happen I just didn't think it would happen like this. Here she was making decisions about ME based on only half the available knowledge because of him and I'm the one who had to suffer. It isn't like I think she wasn't hurt. I knew she would be, that's why we hid it in the first place and that's why I wanted to come clean. I kept trying not to take the coldness personally, but it was personal. I kept coming down so hard because every time I turned around there was a reminder that I'd never be as important as she was and now I wonder if she wasn't helping to rub those in. And then, to take those plunges and use them as an excuse to cut me off....I really shouldn't blame her. I'd have been mad too. The thing is, I was mad and I still took the time to listen to her problems and try to be there for her because I knew my anger would pass and I wanted to be the best possible friend so I'd have nothing to look back on and be ashamed of.

No I would not sleep on this bed of lies, so toss me out and turn in

I may not have seen you for what you are, and that is my fault. But it is your fault if you leave me to see you for what you are not.

I'm cold and I'm ashamed, bound and broken on the floor

I won't lie. It is a bad day. It has been a bad week. Normally I try to make it evident that I know that mine are not the only problems in this world. Normally, I try to shrug it off as inconsequential, knowing it could be worse. I still know al t hat, but I can't shrug it off today. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't breathe without that pain in my chest. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do it myself. I just want to be picked up and held and lied to. I hate packing up the things from us. I hate deciding whether or not to get rid of the knife we used to cut our cake or the jewelry box from our honeymoon. I hate missing him. I hate not liking him. I hate that he's mad because I didn't ask him to help me to move. Why is it like this? Why does it have to be hard? I just don't understand. I don't want to understand. I just want to be. But I do not want to be alone. Of course, everyone is busy though. Because I can't fall apart when it is convenient. I can't do it while Hava and Ryan are here or when I'm not at work or just as Ben is getting into town. I have to do it now, in the middle of summer when everyone is scattered or working or schooling or whatever. I lied. I do not want to be independent. Please just hold me up for a little while. Please...

Feeling up, feeling down

Oh yes, I am Janice the yo-yo. I'm up, I'm down. I'm crushed, I'm not taking it personally. I'm hyper, I'm wiped out. Geez, what a ride. Sometimes I don't even know where I am anymore.This weekend I move. I had sort of (and by sort of, I mean really really badly) hoped to make it into a big party. This is an example of one of my created memories. In my head I had manufactured this fantastic day where all my friends would swarm to my house in a rush of support, move my stuff in a matter of hours and then proceed to unwind with a good meal and lots of celebratory drinking to commemorate me getting into my own place for the first time. Not so much. In reality, I had so few people actually available this weekend that my mom hired a moving company. I know I should be grateful and I know that I should not take this personally. People are busy in the summer. I think really I'm just sad that I'm not the center of attention. Sometimes I just worry that I'm a whim with people. Its that paranoia thing at work, but knowing that does not make it any easier to control.Last night I fixated my newly acquired Calculus knowledge in my mind by having a margarita (okay, two) at Ozona's with Sheila, her mom, Jacob, Horatio and Ben. It was a good time until the end when Horatio let Sheila know that half the department has been commenting on her infidelity as of late. Oh...My...God! Have you people even met Sheila?! A beautiful, smart, sweet girl can end a marriage for reasons other than sex! Believe me, the news hit Sheila hard and had me hot! Our office is ridiculous. This is Bryan-College Station people, not Passions, the Athletic Department! Some people just need to to cool it or perhaps have their tongues cut out. Grrr! At least I got to see Sheila, which is always nice even if the night had a rough ending. We currently have plans to do dinner on Thursday and possible hang this weekend. Yay.I am still very much enjoying school. I hate calculus, but I really like my calculus class. I just like going to class. Makes me feel important. I have two study groups tonight and I'm meeting new people. I'm pretty anxious about tomorrow's test so I'm thinking of taking off work early and hitting a math tutorial at 4. I kind of feel bad now for all those times I turned my nose up at Elaine when she took time off work to handle school. Well, I guess I'm a bitch and a hypocrite, but I'm sure life will go on. And speaking of work, I think I'll get back to that now.Wish me luck!

I hate it when you leave, but I'll always watch you go

It is probably just a silly act by a hopeless romantic, but when people leave I always watch them drive away. I hate it when people leave, but I somehow have to watch them go. What if they looked back and I wasn't there wishing they could've stayed? Hava and Ryan came to see me and Emily for her birthday celebration this weekend. I love time with Hava. Ryan is fantastic too and I wouldn't want to leave him out, but I adore having time with Hava. She is almost always my champion no matter how pitiful my complaint. We had a great time. You would have thought I was drunk all last night we were so silly together. I always learn a little something about the way the world works when she's here and I always smile. She was almost shocked at how different I am from the Janice of the past few years. I suppose it is possible that I've been depressed for a lot longer than I thought. Ryan and Emily totally bonded this weekend and when she wakes from her nap she's going to be upset that he's gone. He's such a big kid that they got along brilliantly. She had a great weekend mostly because of him. I need to find more friends who take to my kid like that. I still get the idea that most of them find her kind of off-putting. Sarah got to come by for a few hours last night as well and we watched the strangest movie together. Such good times! I love out of town company. Perhaps there is a river trip in the works for August and maybe we'll take Em to Brenham for a big ice cream tour. Okay, so a late night has left me zonked so I think I'll catch some Zs while my kid naps before I head to work. I'm feeling nice and even after my sweet weekend so perhaps I'll get good sleep.

What do you mean you've opted to get married instead of go to Cancun?

Thinking

I love that I decided to wear a swishy skirt today. It kind of makes me want to twirl in circles, but I've refrained thus far.

Have I mentioned lately that I love school? Not so much the actual calculus portion, but I really really like being a student. I love how pretty campus is. And I like all the people rushing around or moseying. I can't wait for fall when its just a crush of people. It cracks me up that every class has a bombshell in it. I mean most folk show up in their pjs or college student standard grubbies, but there is always that one girl all made up, coiffed, and trendy. I adore walking past jeans and boots followed by a mohawk (yeah, that's rare here, but I think its fantastic every time).

The best part of today was this guy who walked in wearing a shirt that says "I'm a keeper."

Today is a day of random thoughts. I love that I decided to wear a swishy skirt today. It kind of makes me want to twirl in circles, but I've refrained thus far. Have I mentioned lately that I love school? Not so much the actual calculus portion, but I really really like being a student. I love how pretty campus is. And I like all the people rushing around or moseying. I can't wait for fall when its just a crush of people. It cracks me up that every class has a bombshell in it. I mean most folk show up in their pjs or college student standard grubbies, but there is always that one girl all made up, coiffed, and trendy. I adore walking past jeans and boots followed by a mohawk (yeah, that's rare here, but I think its fantastic every time). The best part of class today was this guy who walked in wearing a shirt that says "I'm a keeper." I am not sure why, but it almost made me laugh out loud. I love college. So all this random thoughtedness dispelled this morning's bad mood relatively quickly. I like this light feeling I get now. I feel way less bogged down despite all the stress. The loneliness is slowly going away so I can be by myself without panicking now That's a treat. And oddly, I kind of respect myself more. Don't get me wrong, I'm still paranoid and needy, but not nearly as bad as I have been the last few months. Yay for progress. I hope I can keep it up.

Mediocre

Ugh. An 88. That is so not an A. Alas, that is my Marketing grade. Oh well. I'll just have to work harder to make sure I get an A in Calculus. Speaking of which, I should get started on my homework. I still like school though so don't get the wrong idea.

Something like normal

Whew what a weekend. It was almost perfect. Friday night was a night of indulging in my not so secret secret obsession - Buffy the Vampire Slayer. For the most part, people aren't so much into the fantasy drama but I just adore this show. Bantering, corny morals, demons, good clothes - it pretty much has it all. A night of Buffy calls for time with Dana and it was so good to see her. Dana is a friend I must take in small doses, but she is such a good friend. she certainly doesn't lack for support and loyalty. It was a nice night of girl talk, bad fantasy drama, and red wine. Yea.

Saturday, after J picked up Em (always an awkward situation), I hit the hay. I just can't seem to soak up enough of that thing called sleep. The plan was for a short nap before studying for my first final in four years (gulp). Apparently quick nap really means several hours because it was definitely late afternoon before I returned to the land of the living. It was raining when i woke. Hmmm. I couldn't resist. I moved the radio outside and danced in the rain for about 20 minutes. It's good to love the rain again. After a shower it was time for some packing and studying and lunch. I'm a big fan of food consumption. Eventually I couldn't stand being at home anymore so I hit Barnes and Noble for a cup of joe and more book cracking. Hard studying calls for hard playing. 8:00 was the dinner bell. Okay so 8:00 was when my phone rang and Donna Rae offered to hit Chili's with me. That's sort of like a dinner bell in a vibrating sort of way. Yea for restaurant hamburgers smothered in mushrooms and swiss cheese. I'm hungry thinking about it.

Dinner of course leads to dancing (I mean why waste the full tummy?) I got all prettied up and met Jessica and Justin at Midnight Rodeo where I actually got to dance. It was amazing. Yay for boys who take the time to actually ask a girl to dance instead of sticking with their group. I actually got a nice variety of dance partners and one boy in particular asked more than once. Interesting... The best part: not a single person had to tell me to loosen up. This either means I'm greatly improving in the two step department or I'm just less uptight in general. Perhaps another weekend will bring opportunity for further investigation.

Sunday was more packing and studying. The boy who danced so often with me had face booked me and sent me a message so I offered to let him join me at Barnes and Noble for more coffee and studying. New friends are fun. The evening brought a study group and a beer at the Chicken to solidify all the studying. The college thing is working out great. I keep getting opportunities to sit down with people and open up a new perspective. I could get used to this. I was pretty wound up last night which made it hard to settle down for sleep. I eventually caught some fleeting Zs around 1 something. I took some time for review over breakfast and now I'm working. I missed seeing some of the friends I'd hoped to spend time with this weekend, but it was still an excellent weekend with just the right balance of social and alone time. *Sigh of contentment*