Friday, April 28, 2006

Ahh Friday afternoon. So I'm having some ups and downs here lately. Wednesday I was so mad at myself that I was almost on a power trip trying so hard to prove to myself that I'm not weak and can do it all and I don't really need anyone. Then last night I got a call from Ben and actually engaged in intelligent conversation about sex and politics (but not at the same time)of all things which left me feeling pretty good about myself at first and then oddly empty when I had to hang up the phone to go to bed. It was a rather restless night because I am mad at the couch so I sleep on my living room chair. It's a big story about feeling kind of cheap and I can't decide if I'm justified or not. Ben says I'm never justified and to stop beating myself up and I'm almost positive almost everyone would say the same but...well, you all know me. So this morning I started off with a lot of energy, but now the paranoia has returned and I am suddenly trying to hold back tears as I dwell on the fact the everyone has their own lives so no-one's really been available to take me out and celebrate the big entry into A&M and I am completely afraid that I can't really do this even though Tuesday I was positive I could do it all and would do it all and really this huge run-on sentence is only one indication of the way I can't turn off my mind until I have completely run myself down. Sigh. Furthermore, I will be mad at myself later for posting this where Drew and Hava and Clare can see because I just want everyone to think I can handle my life with inhuman perfection and this is just revealing the little girl I have always been. I debated locking my journal, but I've never done that. I just don't like the idea of doing it. I mean if I'm going to take the time to make all my thoughts a reality I might as well do it for an audience. Really I should just keep a journal at home with all my undeveloped emotional spew, but I hate my handwriting and really all those notebooks would just clutter things up. Besides, I generally feel unimportant enough to convince myself that no-one's really going to read this anyway. I have a whopping 4 readers. So now I've run out of time because I have to see Sheila about switching beds and get home so Jesse can go back to work because Heaven forbid he find a convenient way to spend time with his child. So my cover (however transparent) is blown. I'm a small person with no will and no confidence and....sigh. Oh it's just not worth it sometimes.

No comments:

Post a Comment