And there are always reasons to get up in the morning

"Mama! You have on a dwess. I have on a dwess! *squeal and giggle*!" - Emily Dawn
"The first time I met you all I could think was 'here is the modern southern belle." - Dana K.
"You make me laugh! :) I love that you are pumped that there are pink M&Ms!" - Sarah G.
"I'm glad she has friends like you."  - Ryan R.
"She caught my eye while i was dancing with another girl. it's all her fault :). "- Ben H.
"How sweet are you? haha u seem like a lot of fun too!" -Stephanie M.
Yesterday I got the shocking surprise of a check in the mail which led to hysterical laughing and crying simultaneously and the following conversation: "Are you okay?" "Oh yeah! Better than. It's just I was broke and my little girl wanted grapes and then I got this check and now I can get groceries and I must seem like I'm insane, but I really really needed this!" "Oh my God! *hug* That's awesome! I totally understand being broke. Do you need to sit down? My name is Mindy."
"aw you make me smile!" - Chelsea L.
"In fact, I'd say we're best friends." -Ben B.
"You are a pretty awesome friend too!!!!" - Katie F.
"Your creativity cracks me up!" - Katie W.
"Why Ms Janice, you look lovely." - Jessica G.
"thank u girl....u was cute today when u was jumping around so happy..." -Lenka Z.
I am all about the random "conversation" on LJ with Allison and Freckles that led to so many laughs and a possible new friendship. Still haven't found a way to um emphasize those buds...
Don't worry. You have amazing will and confidence so don't give me any of that." -Clare K.
"You've already surprised me." -David W.
"Smile Beautiful." -Robert M.
"Now this girl has got some boots!" -Donald T.
"Honey, you need to be loved more than any one person can give you. But you deserve it..." -Jessica C.
"I knew that you'd be the one to excited for me" - Kim S

and all those times someone told me they loved me with absolute sincerity...

It's only make believe

It's only make believe.It isn't real.If I close my eyes and I reach out,there's nothing there to feel.It's only make believe.If I breathe slow and deep,and tell myself the fear and pain are fakemaybe I can get some sleep.

She flips a penny over but just so she can pick it up for luck

Oddly, I don't really feel like journaling today, but I somehow feel that I ought to. I suppose I want to sort of keep track of my life these days so I can look back on it and see it a little better. I have no idea...This weeken was Alfee's last in College Station. I guess I was due for a few days of extreme ups and downs. It's been some time. Nothing was particularly horrible about it. Saturday was early as it usualy is with Emily. Her dad was late picking her up because he overslpet. Still, after he took me to drop off my car for repairs (goody) I managed to get a lot done. Cleaned the whole house, finished some laundry, sorted through a pike of paperwork. After that I was off to tailgate before the football game (by myself ). I love Catharine's group of friends. Then came the rain. It was some pretty fantastic rain with awesome lightening. Sadly, this delayed the game by 2 hours, but the company was good. I did not manage to stay for the whole game. I was hungry! So before halftime I took the hike back to Reed arena for my (Donna's) car and headed home to get ready for Northgate with Alfee.Really, except for some horrendously frizzy hair, I looked pretty good. So did Alfee, who really always has. Brian and Anne came and then I met Jimmy and Robin and Adeena. It was a fun group. tHe drinking was good, the chatter was fun, memory lane had a nice path beaten down it once again. It wasn't long before we had to hit Alfee's bar, so to Harry's we went. And then there was Jesse. I was so angry. Really I know that he has every right to be there. Still, it was his weekend with Emily, why was he there? Emily was with his parents. Oh, of course. What was I thinking? Evidently she stays with them every weekend that he has her. It really makes me mad. It was everything I could do to smile and walk away and then then contain the sobs that were burning in my chest. I really have no place to judge what he does with her anymore. sHe seems happy and well-adjusted and there isn't really anything to complain about. My ruther's are no longer valid to him... Ugh. The Jesse sighting led to rather more imbibing than I had originaly intended so of course I could not get myself home. What kind of a night with me would it be if I managed to stay sober enough to drive, or sober enough to not vomit on the way home? I took a nap and awoke to finish out the party. And finally, we get to my point. Alfee started crying because he is a little scared. I told hime

Odds n weekends

Friday night was dinner with my folks pouring over their yearbooks. How I wish people still put themselves together the way they did in the sixties. So much fun! Saturday Mom and I took Emily shopping, which was not so fun. Poor Em was a terror. I'm not sure if she was tired or hungry or feeling bad or what. She was just so whiny and occasionally mean. She had to get spanked. I hate spanking her. Getting her down for a nap was no easy task either. Fortunately, it was also not an impossible task and her mood much improved after some fitful ZZZs. We took a little field-trip to the grocery store before picking up Charley for dinner. Yay Charley. I was shocked when he called but oh so happy. He always makes me laugh. Some things never change. We had a rather loooong dinner at Hullabaloos where Emily was quite entertaining. Hopefully we'll get together again soon. After putting my kiddo to bed was a nice three hour conversation with Ben. This is a little odd because we have definitely talked for more than an hour a day every day the past two weeks. It feels relationshipish and that is worrisome. I worry it'll hold him back from really finding someone. Not that I'm all that great, but he makes me feel like I am. It's a little troubling, but the conversations are so comfortable and it is nice to have a best friend again...So then Sunday rolled around (a little too early for my tastes, but eh) and Em and I lounged a bit before breakfast with Sarah. I love that girl. Breakfast was fun (and yummy) and the shopping afterward was just more good times. Now Sarah is gone and my mom is at home with Emily and I am chatting online with Ben hoping Katie calls me soon. So I feel better after all that activity. I suppose this will happen sometimes. I just have to keep trying to find that happy medium.

So apparently my journal post the other day (yesterday?) was a little premature. Evidently I was feeling that thing called lonely. I was indeed lucky enough to get some attention this weekend, and from people who don't even read my journal at that. Nice. Friday night was dinner with my folks pouring over their yearbooks. How I wish people still put themselves together the way they did in the sixties. So much fun! Saturday Mom and I took Emily shopping, which was not so fun. Poor Em was a terror. I'm not sure if she was tired or hungry or feeling bad or what. She was just so whiny and occasionally mean. She had to get spanked. I hate spanking her. Getting her down for a nap was no easy task either. Fortunately, it was also not an impossible task and her mood much improved after some fitful ZZZs. We took a little fieldtrip to the grocery store before picking up Charley for dinner. Yay Charley. I was shocked when he called but oh so happy. He always makes me laugh. Some things never change. We had a rather loooong dinner at Hullabaloos where Emily was quite entertaining. Hopefully we'll get together again soon. After putting my kiddo to bed was a nice three hour conversation with Ben. This is a little odd because we have definitely talked for more than an hour a day every day the past two weeks. It feels relationshipish and that is worrisome. I worry it'll hold him back from really finding someone. Not that I'm all that great, but he makes me feel like I am. It's a little troubling, but the conversations are so comfortable and it is nice to have a best friend again...So then Sunday rolled around (a little too early for my tastes, but eh) and Em and I lounged a bit before breakfast with Sarah. I love that girl. Breakfast was fun (and yummy) and the shopping afterward was just more good times. Now Sarah is gone and my mom is at home with Emily and I am chatting online with Ben hoping Katie calls me soon. So I feel better after all that activity. I suppose this will happen sometimes. I just have to keep trying to find that happy medium.

And suddenly I become a part of your past. I'm becoming the part that don't last

My mood has certainly been indescribable as of late. I'm not necessarily in a bad mood, but I haven't been myself either. I feel almost like I'm harder somehow. But then again, I am not. Currently there is definitely a sore spot where my friends are concerened. They all seem to be fading away leaving a sort of empty spot with tender edges. People treat their friends as if they are disposable. Move on to the next good time. It all leaves me feeling like I am not where the good time is. Where were all the people who kept me constantly busy in the beginning? Do they think that I'm supposed to be all better now? Like everything is fine after a few months? What happened to the phone calls and the stopping by or letting me cook you dinner? Where are those invites to ride with you on deliveries or watch movies late at night? Just because I don't need you like I used to doesn't mean that I don't need those things at all...But you know, as much as that bothers me, that is still not the whole of the problem. Everybody is scattering. Galveston, DC, Denton, Houston. Sheila left for Thailand. I want the very best for my friends, but I do miss them terribly. I just feel like an impression and nothing more. I'm still here. Don't forget about lil ol' me...

I guess I'm one more girl on the stage Just one more ass that got stuffed in some jeans

Last night I went to Northgate by myself. No one had called and I just couldn't be home by myself anymore so I took a deep breath and headed out to be by myself in public. It wasn't a bad time. I was, however, accused of being a gold-digger. Excuse me a second while I scoff. If you buy me one drink and I refuse to let you kiss me that does not make me a gold-digger. Furthermore, if that's the type of thing I was on the hunt for I would have to rather cynically point out that me chasing money while out on the town is going result in something that does me more good than what you will get out of chasing my ass. Why don't you try the wallflower instead? You'll find little genuineness hiding in the smoke of a bar my dear.

That's why the lady is a tramp

And just when I thought I was getting better it is, of course, revealed that I am no better at all, just different. I thought I was getting more confident and comfortable with myself. Evidently though I was dressing in poor taste for work and rekindling the rumors about my boss and me. Great. Part of me wants to be defensive, but part of me wants to apologize to Kevin for letting him down. Here I thought I was pulling myself together and really I was falling apart a different way. Sigh. Will I ever find a happy medium? Did I really bend the other way and come off to the world as a slut? I wonder how often I'll have to travel this road. I can't seem to figure what it is that I put out there that makes me come off this way. Do I just emmit some kind of homing beacon that says "I need you to act like you want me?" Yesterday one of my upstairs neighbors came down to get away from a party that was getting out of hand. I guess it should have struck me as weird that I suddenly had company at midnight on a Sunday. We chatted for a bit and then not only did he lean over and kiss me, but he also whipped it out. WTF?! I pushed him away and stated that I was not that girl, which seemed to confuse him. I simply asked him to leave which he did although somewhat baffled. Now what brought that on? Seriously. Now I have to think twice before answering my door. So this is the place where I sit. Wanting what I can't have, getting what I don't want and evidently presenting an image of such low caliber that I am equated with a tramp. So now the question is "how do I change again?"