Emily!

Heart melting occurs at exactly the temperature of an applesauce covered 2-year old who waves her hands and says "Mama, I need a wipe; my hands oll diwrtee."

Emily

Heart melting occurs at exactly the temperature of an applesauce covered 2-year old who waves her hands and says "Mama, I need a wipe; my hands oll diwrtee."

Its been a while since I could say I love myself as well

And so a new semester starts. I've got this sort of excited apprehension going. Like right after you take the shot but before it hits you; when you're still just hanging there wondering if the burn in your throat is the start of a good night or a bad. I can't wait. I'm finally feel like I'm getting to a good place. More precisely, I think I'm getting to a me I like. I find myself generally in a good mood. I drove to Dallas this past weekend and enjoyed my own company just fine. I have, perhaps, indulged in some less than savory vices, but... Well, there really is no legitimate "but." Frankly, I am using the excuse of getting it all out of my system until I have worn it out. I don't want to waste any more time resenting what I have because of something I think I've missed out on. So far, I've found my focus much improved and the rough patches seem to hit me less hard. Dare I say I find that snarkiness is less disturbing these days? Indeed, I think I do dare.

Emily is growing and changing beautifully. The other day she "disciplined" me. Oh yes. When I failed to hand her the requested balloon she calmly counted to three for me. It was great. Already she is trying to put her little shoes on herself and she just has such distinct ideas about how things should work. I love her so much and am so excited to see what kind of people we become. I only hope she takes some time to surpass me.

Ben's visit was amazing. Alas, I was happy to see him go. No worries, I'll be thrilled to see him again in March. His visit has provided some clarity but not as much of the expected comfort. It hurt to have to turn him down after all these years. But, the timing sucks. I'm just starting to be me, to belong to me. I don't want anyone else helping to mold that right now. I get to be mine first and for awhile. Shame on me for not seeing that sooner. But I do love him. Hopefully we'll be the best of friends. I love his insight and the way he puts things. I adore that his concept of people centers around who they would invite, dead, alive, fiction or non, to a dinner party. You see the point is to find out if they are more concerned with satisfying their own personal curiosities or with throwing a good dinner party. I would throw a damn good dinner party.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Let me count the days since I last wanted to cry. I've forgotten. Time is a fleeting concept for me as of late anyways so counting days would have been impossible. But time has perhaps started to do its work and a calm has settled around my life Don't get me wrong, I still flit through each day filling it as full as possible. Somehow, though, it doesn't feel the same as before. It's like I try to catch my breath and my lungs fill with air instead of water so I can keep going instead of sinking and sputtering.

You may have noticed that I thoroughly enjoyed my birthday. The good times did not stop on Thursday. Friday I had dinner with friends and family at La Bodega and there was much laughter. I invited like a thousand people but it turned into a more intimate group, which is typical for a Janice-related shindig. Brian from work came and was his usual sweet, chivalrous self and Katie showed with her two girls. It was great. I had sort of hoped to go to Northgate with Katie Forest (not Williams from above) but I had Em so we went home and crashed hard! We were tired bunnies. Emily even gave me the pleasure of sleeping in until 9 on Saturday and then brunch with Mom at Ozonas. I love brunch. I tried my hand at Bloody Mary making and found that I do not like Bloody Marys. I'll stick with my coffee, milk or Mimosas thankyouverymuch. In any case, us three girls had a nice morning together.

Emi went down reluctantly for a nap while I did some (a lot) of laundry. We were supposed to paint pottery w/ Katie and the girls, but U Paint It was closed for a party so we left for Galveston an hour early.

It was FANTASTIC. The driving was a little rough on Emily and there was some whining, but the arrival was great. Lots of the UTMB people were there which was heartwarming because I really really like that crowd. Emily made love to all of them and won them over instantly. Ryan seemed in Heaven and there was almost enough catch up time for me and Hava. Okay that last part is a big lie. There is never enough catch up time. I can't wait to go back though. The people, the beach, the waffles....so much goodness.

Upon my return was Ben. Oh Ben. Good old comfortable boy. The best hugs come from Ben and I got my fill. We chatted about this and that and I got to introduce Ben to Jacob who we caught in the parking lot after he left Clare's. Hopefully there will be a river trip on Thursday. That'd be great. In the meantime, I'm so happy to have my boy here. The best part: sitting on the front porch drinking wine and staring at the shell station sign across the way with my head on his shoulder. Nothing more. And my troubles seemed to melt away.

Celebrate we will

And a resounding "ahhhh." What a great day. Nothing special. Just a removal from my all too common funk. The rainclouds lifted, the sun shone, there was cake...It was a good birthday. The best, actually. I should be working (shouldn't I always?) but I want to take at least a little time to hold onto how good I feel right now. Like I've been cleaned out. Oddly, I should be tired and cranky. I couldn't fall asleep last night. I had the oddest feeling that someone would call at midnight and I would miss it. I have no idea why and of course no one did, but I couldn't shake the feeling. Emi got me up at 4:35 this morning wanting milk. *shrug* that was new. I let her "sleep"with me for two hours. She kicks. It was great! So comfortable. I let her pick out my outfit today and she did a great job. I'm all birthday cute in a skirt and pearl snap sleeveless shirt (thanks Clare) and cowboy boots. My grandparents were the first to call. My mom and Dad each called after I got to work leaving me with warm fuzzies. I dropped Emily off with no problems. Carol started singing the second I walked in. Katie got me a gift certificate for a massage and the BEST card! There was so many well wishes on Facebook and even Live Journal (yay for the actress I am stalking!). The equestrian coaches pre-ordered me a cake which had pink butter-cream icing. The business office got me a cake too. It just all felt so good! This is what I want to hold onto. Let me feel this all the time. No more worrying about not being liked or obsessing over what other folk have that I don't. I want THIS! THIS is great. *sigh and smile* What a good birthday!

Maybe this year will be better than the last...

Well kids, tomorrow is the big birthday. And the the townspeople shouted "hooray." Perhaps not. I feel...nothing. I am big on birthdays. I hate when I fail to catch a person's birthday and wish them happy returns with joyous hugging. But this year..eh *shrug*. Perhaps I am getting old. Perhaps this year has been a disappointment (gee, you think?). But my birthday falls right before a new school year and there are some good things planned for the next few days. Maybe I can do it better this time around. If not, maybe I can enjoy the screw-ups a little more.The week seems to be crawling. It is only Wednesday. I thought for sure it would be Friday by now. I have missed Emily terribly. I saw her briefly yesterday when I dropped some stuff off for Jesse. He's heartbroken over a recent breakup. The parents of his new girlfriend called and forbade him to see her. He's too old and too experienced. Well now he's hurting so... Ugh. How can he tell me these things? How do you make your husband feel better that he can't see his girlfriend any longer? It's just odd. I don't feel it though so that's good. I just smiled and patted his shoulder and told him that it sucked, maybe he should talk to them some more. The response? "Well, I was enjoying my time with her but it isn't like I love her because of you, I don't know what that is." Oh fantastic. *See now my plan was to go on about this for a bit but I've been interrupted by a phone call from Jesse to tell me his debit card was stolen and his account wiped out and I would need to cover Emily's daycare because it is past due. Hysterical laughing taking place currently, please be patient*So anyway. Friday night is dinner w/ the fam for the birthday celebration and then Sat. is brunch w/ my mom and Emily. Saturday afternoon is time with Emi and some friends at U Paint It and then I am off to Galveston for the baby's first beach experience. It'll be great. Hava and Ryan and al those fantastic UTMB people... Sunday Ben will get here just as I am getting back and we'll chill together for a week. Then next weekend I'm having another b-day celebration in the big D with Sarah and perhaps Sheila. It is so fantastically wonderful to have people who want to spend time with me. Hava says my laugh is infectious and Sarah's roommate rearranged her birthday plans so we could celebrate together and Ben is staying with me when he gets here, not his folks or Leslie or Nate... On more of a downer Jess called last night with the news that Justin took off and she's not sure for how long. It sucks but it's great because I got to talk her through it and be there and be the rock. Of course Jess will be just fine but I was the first person she thought to call. All this attention makes me feel so very very loved. I feel just good. If I hold onto that then maybe this year will be better than the last.

They say Its gonna be final once we sign that dotted line

Emily's eyelashes keep me sane. Stupid no? But this week has been horrid. I am pretty sure I failed my Calc course. Oh yeah, I said failed. Like a loser. There is just no excuse for that kind of performance. Ugh. I'll know for sure next week. And just 7 short hours after my final came the paper. THE papers. He left them at Emily's daycare. That ominous manila envelope sticking out of the top of her innocent winnie-the-pooh diaper bag. Suddenly, I was back in that place. All these months of fighting it and I was right back to feeling like this whole ordeal was my fault. I failed. Just me. I couldn't even get through the third page that first night. It was definitely a Vodka night. Last night was better because my folks came to dinner and to help me decipher the 39 pages of ambiguous legal terminology. In the end, I'm not happy with the setup and am going to request that some of the paperwork be redone. I'm never going to finish with this mess. I hate the business of marriageI hate that marriage has "business." It should be more than that even after it is over... My folks left just after Emily went to bed. I swear Emily can feel when I get wound up. She just would not go to sleep. My policy is usually to let her cry it out because she has to learn to comfort herself, but that just wasn't working for either of us. After a few minutes of fit throwing I settled down on her bedroom floor and let her curl up in my lap. Almost instantly she cosed her eyes and we rocked back and forth. She has the most beautiful eyelashes. They are her father's. Long and thick and black. There they were just fluttering against her little peaches and cream cheek with tiny tears still clinging to them. After a few minutes I regained my will to go on. I held her a bit longer and then settled her into bed. I spent an hour or so working on a picture board for my room and then settled down. After all the horribleness that is failure I still have Emily. She doesn't care that I screwed up (yet). I made a tiny beautiful little girl with perfect eyelashes. I did that one thing right. I can keep doing right by her. I can.

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

On Sunday I cut my finger while framing some black and whites for my new bedroom. I'm not sure if I cut it on the exacto knife or on one of the little metal pieces for holding the backing in place on one of the frames. I didn't even notice that I'd cut myself until I saw the blood on the white mat while assembling one of the frames. I got it all cleaned up and it was fine for the rest of the night. Of course all day yesterday and this morning it stung and hurt and every little thing I did seemed to reopen the cut. So I'm looking at my finger where the wound didn't hurt in the acquisition but healing hurts like hell and I think, *sigh* yeah, pretty much.

'cause it's not like the movies where I'm strong

It would be absolutely fantastic if my life could be scripted by 30-year olds. Then, everything I said would be witty and perfectly timed. But no. So there are all these little conversations that will never happen anywhere but in my head which is sometimes so very very frustrating. I'd also need script writers for everyone else so I always make good points and come out on top. Good luck with that. But in the meantime here's how it goes in my head (or my portion at least):You think I don't know you. That I live in a world where other people don't do wrong. I know you. I see you when you aren't paying attention. The knowledge of what you do when I'm not around comes creeping back to me. I still love you. I just wish you loved me enough to trust me.I cannot speak for anyone else but it isn't that I wasn't thinking of people other than me. I am rarely selfish. I would go to the ends of the earth for just about anyone and half the time I do so that is not a fair statement. The thing is, it wasn't about you. It wasn't about hurting you or smirking while we saw how long it could stay hidden. It never occurred to me that you were too nice or too naive to figure it out - I knew it was only a matter of time. It was about me. For once it was about me. It was about clinging to something that let me feel and let me feel good. It was about getting lost in an extreme so I could find myself. It was about no regrets. I am sorry you got hurt and I am sorry you took it personally. But you were never the point.You once told me that you didn't want to fade away with such a disgusted tone in your voice, like I'd uttered blasphemy. And then that is exactly what you did.You are nothing but excuses. Its never your fault. There is always some circumstance to blame. Do you know how weak that makes you look?You frustrate me to no end. You are a genius dammit. Do you know how far you could go? Stop being mediocre. People would give their right hand to have what you have; to have just part of the gifts you have. But you just sit behind a desk wondering why you can't master anything. It's because you don't try. My encouragement means nothing to you and my jealousy is in vain.I hate that you know you deserve better and just stay with him. Not only that but you bend over for him. What happens if he breaks you and you no longer have the will to go after what you really want? You are gorgeous and smart and sexy and kind and everything I want to be. It hurts that you shove all your power into some secret place and only let it out when he's not around. You don't love him and I so want you to love. I want you to love so badly. and I want you to have someone who loves you as much as I do. Someday it is going to hurt more for you to hide it than it will for you to let it all out. I hope I'm there.You never even tested me. You just decided that I couldn't handle any more. You don't really see me. You put me in a box just like everyone else. Why don't you stop and really look, really listen? How about you be all of you and let me handle it? Don't tell me I'm not good enough and then stall on me. Push me, I might push back and surprise you.If I hear you say one more time that you have been unable to come to terms with your mediocrity I will beat the living crap out of you. You can't come to terms with it because you aren't mediocre. If you are any kind of ordinary it is extra-ordinary. You are doing it baby! You bust your butt every day on your dream. The results are amazing! You are amazing. Believe me, if they weren't I'd be asking you why because I know you are only capable of producing the very best. You are a hero of my story.So what you are supposed to pretend here is that none of the people I'm talking to are smarter than me. I know them through and through. There is no piece of worldly knowledge that hasn't occurred to me to reveal my ignorance. Haha. Oh well. Maybe someday I will have the upper hand and I'll impress everyone (and hopefully not sound too bitchy b/c then my fantastic comebacks would be marred later when i started to worry about them).

Thinking

If I am the person I want to be will that make me feel better when you are not?

If I am the person I want to be will that make me feel better when you are not?