Feeling up, feeling down

Oh yes, I am Janice the yo-yo. I'm up, I'm down. I'm crushed, I'm not taking it personally. I'm hyper, I'm wiped out. Geez, what a ride. Sometimes I don't even know where I am anymore.This weekend I move. I had sort of (and by sort of, I mean really really badly) hoped to make it into a big party. This is an example of one of my created memories. In my head I had manufactured this fantastic day where all my friends would swarm to my house in a rush of support, move my stuff in a matter of hours and then proceed to unwind with a good meal and lots of celebratory drinking to commemorate me getting into my own place for the first time. Not so much. In reality, I had so few people actually available this weekend that my mom hired a moving company. I know I should be grateful and I know that I should not take this personally. People are busy in the summer. I think really I'm just sad that I'm not the center of attention. Sometimes I just worry that I'm a whim with people. Its that paranoia thing at work, but knowing that does not make it any easier to control.Last night I fixated my newly acquired Calculus knowledge in my mind by having a margarita (okay, two) at Ozona's with Sheila, her mom, Jacob, Horatio and Ben. It was a good time until the end when Horatio let Sheila know that half the department has been commenting on her infidelity as of late. Oh...My...God! Have you people even met Sheila?! A beautiful, smart, sweet girl can end a marriage for reasons other than sex! Believe me, the news hit Sheila hard and had me hot! Our office is ridiculous. This is Bryan-College Station people, not Passions, the Athletic Department! Some people just need to to cool it or perhaps have their tongues cut out. Grrr! At least I got to see Sheila, which is always nice even if the night had a rough ending. We currently have plans to do dinner on Thursday and possible hang this weekend. Yay.I am still very much enjoying school. I hate calculus, but I really like my calculus class. I just like going to class. Makes me feel important. I have two study groups tonight and I'm meeting new people. I'm pretty anxious about tomorrow's test so I'm thinking of taking off work early and hitting a math tutorial at 4. I kind of feel bad now for all those times I turned my nose up at Elaine when she took time off work to handle school. Well, I guess I'm a bitch and a hypocrite, but I'm sure life will go on. And speaking of work, I think I'll get back to that now.Wish me luck!

I hate it when you leave, but I'll always watch you go

It is probably just a silly act by a hopeless romantic, but when people leave I always watch them drive away. I hate it when people leave, but I somehow have to watch them go. What if they looked back and I wasn't there wishing they could've stayed? Hava and Ryan came to see me and Emily for her birthday celebration this weekend. I love time with Hava. Ryan is fantastic too and I wouldn't want to leave him out, but I adore having time with Hava. She is almost always my champion no matter how pitiful my complaint. We had a great time. You would have thought I was drunk all last night we were so silly together. I always learn a little something about the way the world works when she's here and I always smile. She was almost shocked at how different I am from the Janice of the past few years. I suppose it is possible that I've been depressed for a lot longer than I thought. Ryan and Emily totally bonded this weekend and when she wakes from her nap she's going to be upset that he's gone. He's such a big kid that they got along brilliantly. She had a great weekend mostly because of him. I need to find more friends who take to my kid like that. I still get the idea that most of them find her kind of off-putting. Sarah got to come by for a few hours last night as well and we watched the strangest movie together. Such good times! I love out of town company. Perhaps there is a river trip in the works for August and maybe we'll take Em to Brenham for a big ice cream tour. Okay, so a late night has left me zonked so I think I'll catch some Zs while my kid naps before I head to work. I'm feeling nice and even after my sweet weekend so perhaps I'll get good sleep.

What do you mean you've opted to get married instead of go to Cancun?

Thinking

I love that I decided to wear a swishy skirt today. It kind of makes me want to twirl in circles, but I've refrained thus far.

Have I mentioned lately that I love school? Not so much the actual calculus portion, but I really really like being a student. I love how pretty campus is. And I like all the people rushing around or moseying. I can't wait for fall when its just a crush of people. It cracks me up that every class has a bombshell in it. I mean most folk show up in their pjs or college student standard grubbies, but there is always that one girl all made up, coiffed, and trendy. I adore walking past jeans and boots followed by a mohawk (yeah, that's rare here, but I think its fantastic every time).

The best part of today was this guy who walked in wearing a shirt that says "I'm a keeper."

Today is a day of random thoughts. I love that I decided to wear a swishy skirt today. It kind of makes me want to twirl in circles, but I've refrained thus far. Have I mentioned lately that I love school? Not so much the actual calculus portion, but I really really like being a student. I love how pretty campus is. And I like all the people rushing around or moseying. I can't wait for fall when its just a crush of people. It cracks me up that every class has a bombshell in it. I mean most folk show up in their pjs or college student standard grubbies, but there is always that one girl all made up, coiffed, and trendy. I adore walking past jeans and boots followed by a mohawk (yeah, that's rare here, but I think its fantastic every time). The best part of class today was this guy who walked in wearing a shirt that says "I'm a keeper." I am not sure why, but it almost made me laugh out loud. I love college. So all this random thoughtedness dispelled this morning's bad mood relatively quickly. I like this light feeling I get now. I feel way less bogged down despite all the stress. The loneliness is slowly going away so I can be by myself without panicking now That's a treat. And oddly, I kind of respect myself more. Don't get me wrong, I'm still paranoid and needy, but not nearly as bad as I have been the last few months. Yay for progress. I hope I can keep it up.

Mediocre

Ugh. An 88. That is so not an A. Alas, that is my Marketing grade. Oh well. I'll just have to work harder to make sure I get an A in Calculus. Speaking of which, I should get started on my homework. I still like school though so don't get the wrong idea.

Something like normal

Whew what a weekend. It was almost perfect. Friday night was a night of indulging in my not so secret secret obsession - Buffy the Vampire Slayer. For the most part, people aren't so much into the fantasy drama but I just adore this show. Bantering, corny morals, demons, good clothes - it pretty much has it all. A night of Buffy calls for time with Dana and it was so good to see her. Dana is a friend I must take in small doses, but she is such a good friend. she certainly doesn't lack for support and loyalty. It was a nice night of girl talk, bad fantasy drama, and red wine. Yea.

Saturday, after J picked up Em (always an awkward situation), I hit the hay. I just can't seem to soak up enough of that thing called sleep. The plan was for a short nap before studying for my first final in four years (gulp). Apparently quick nap really means several hours because it was definitely late afternoon before I returned to the land of the living. It was raining when i woke. Hmmm. I couldn't resist. I moved the radio outside and danced in the rain for about 20 minutes. It's good to love the rain again. After a shower it was time for some packing and studying and lunch. I'm a big fan of food consumption. Eventually I couldn't stand being at home anymore so I hit Barnes and Noble for a cup of joe and more book cracking. Hard studying calls for hard playing. 8:00 was the dinner bell. Okay so 8:00 was when my phone rang and Donna Rae offered to hit Chili's with me. That's sort of like a dinner bell in a vibrating sort of way. Yea for restaurant hamburgers smothered in mushrooms and swiss cheese. I'm hungry thinking about it.

Dinner of course leads to dancing (I mean why waste the full tummy?) I got all prettied up and met Jessica and Justin at Midnight Rodeo where I actually got to dance. It was amazing. Yay for boys who take the time to actually ask a girl to dance instead of sticking with their group. I actually got a nice variety of dance partners and one boy in particular asked more than once. Interesting... The best part: not a single person had to tell me to loosen up. This either means I'm greatly improving in the two step department or I'm just less uptight in general. Perhaps another weekend will bring opportunity for further investigation.

Sunday was more packing and studying. The boy who danced so often with me had face booked me and sent me a message so I offered to let him join me at Barnes and Noble for more coffee and studying. New friends are fun. The evening brought a study group and a beer at the Chicken to solidify all the studying. The college thing is working out great. I keep getting opportunities to sit down with people and open up a new perspective. I could get used to this. I was pretty wound up last night which made it hard to settle down for sleep. I eventually caught some fleeting Zs around 1 something. I took some time for review over breakfast and now I'm working. I missed seeing some of the friends I'd hoped to spend time with this weekend, but it was still an excellent weekend with just the right balance of social and alone time. *Sigh of contentment*