Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The courageous entry

A few weeks ago a friend of mine was saying she just didn't understand people with live journals. She said it took a lot of guts to put oneself out there like that. I literally looked at her like she was nuts. People on paper can be almost fictional. They can totally choose to paint whatever picture they want. I don't really think I do that, but I do try really hard to not come off as whiny in my entries. One because I don't want people to think I'm bitching all the time, and two because I don't want to look back on my journals and hate myself for whining all the time. But know, something deeply personal has affected my life and it is taking a lot of courage for me to put it out here. See how I am delaying?Jesse has decided to leave me. Believe me when I say the humiliation of my failed marriage is overwhelming. I've only told a few people, and since I only have a three-person lj fan-base, I guess I'm really not telling that many more. I have never felt so alone in my life. He made the decision about a month ago, but Monday was when he finally started moving. He has been sleeping at his new apartment the last few nights, but his stuff has only left a little at a time. Do you know that you can have a whole houseful of things, but just having an actual body move out suddenly makes every room seem completely empty. The spaces on the wall between pictures and paintings just seem huge and corners seem to go on forever. Emily noticed yesterday that all of his clothes were missing from the closet and just pointed and cried. It maybe lasted a minute, but it was the slowest death possible.

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