Lunch

1 slim fast vanilla cream shake...and some raw cookie dough.Fabulous.

Perhaps I should have gone with a band-aid

I had a fight with my mom. Over money. *Groan* It was, as usual, awful. After two days of avoiding my calls she called to make nice (after reminding me how much I had hurt her). However, when she asked if we were cool, I told her I didn't think so. The thing is, I want to be friends with my mom and for us to have a lasting relationship we have to stop just patching things up with band-aids. She has really added a lot of stress to my life by loaning me money. That sounds completely unreasonable and unappreciative. However, the way she makes me feel guilty and indebted is just unreal and, I think, more than a little unfair. I let her know all this and I am pretty sure I will spend the next two weeks not hearing from her. I am doing the best I can, but she doesn't act like she knows that. I don't really know where to go from here. I guess this will just spur me to work harder so I can make more and get her paid off. Otherwise, I'm going to be constantly afraid that she's going revoke all her offers to help me out and that's going to leave me in a pretty bad position. On the one hand, we know how I like to worry about nothing, but on the other, maybe I should have accepted the band-aid.

Is this as hard as it gets?

Ben and I had a fight. Ugh. It was so very mild; no yelling or name calling or anything silly like that. We just had a difference of opinion and it led to some complications. In any case, I have that squeamish insecure feeling now. It's nowhere near as bad as it was with Jesse. The two conversations subsequent to the "fight" have been short and he seems curt. I'll admit that the curtness could be my paranoia. Normally we are sickeningly lovey dovey on the phone and play the whole I love you/I miss you/why can't we be closer routine to death. However, he only tossed me an "I love you" at the very end of Tuesday's phone call and it was sort of joking. I hate this. I have this fear that things won't be the same now or that he sees me differently and won't love me as much and...ugh! Do you people know how much I want to deserve this boy? Do you know how much I want to prove to him that I can get over this insecurity deal so he doesn't have to reassure me all the time? We'll probably pull through, but if I keep up this paranoia, how long will we last? This is the hard part of a long distance relationship. There is no physical reassurance, no looks of affirmation. *sigh*

School is now in session

Once again, I wish I could be a full time student. Seriously, my classes are so fun this semester and positively engaging! I fell like I'm cheating me and the class by not being able to completely immerse myself in studying. I may have found that proverbial calling in women's studies. Not what I would have expected for myself, but so very interesting. I just want to soak it up; find out what has been studied and what aspects were missed; delve into the history of it all. I mean, I'm not thinking that all women have been brainwashed into fashionable, beauty craving zombies, but I do think there are some amazingly well hidden socialization methods throbbing throughout our culture. I'm a little pissed because next week I have to pick a project for the semester and I don't even think all of the interesting topics have been revealed to me yet. After, all three weeks is not so very much time. Yea for renewed vigor!

I miss my boy already

Are you sitting. You should sit. Well maybe not, but I had to sit when it hit me. I would like to live with Ben. He just left and now I want him back. Now! It was so good having him for two plus weeks. We had a quasi-fight about my space and his space versus our space some time around week two. We also ran into some issues with Emily. She was relatively hot and cold towards Ben, which was surprising. I had a chat with her and she told me the she just does not like him. It is okay with her that I like him and okay that he likes me, but she doesn't like him and can we go play with a toy now? There were these moments, though, where things just clicked so well. When we would all have tickle fights or Ben and I would marvel over Emily's progress with puzzles and problem solving. There was a lot of good cooking and some family time on both ends. I expected to be glad to be rid of him after such a long span (the longest for us yet), but am surprised to find otherwise. Shall I be cliche and say I'm ready for the next level? The rub is that there really isn't a next level for us. He'll finish in DC come December and pack off to Virginia Beach. There will only be six months to a year there before a big question mark. Honestly, he wants to go to Europe. Honestly, I want to go to Europe. Feasibly? A big fat negative. So this leaves me with trying to be happy with what I have now and worry about tomorrow when it gets here. Currently, I am not too frustrated with the idea of a wait. After all, I am still in a position from which I need saving so I need a little time to figure out how to save myself. Maybe then, more with will feasible. Thoughts? Questions? Advice? Anybody?