A return to happy medium

Did I have you guys worried? I have to admit, I'm a little worried about me. A few weeks back I was all grumpy b/c no-one seemed to notice how great I was doing at pulling my life together. Good thing b/c I lost it Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and would have proved them all wrong. Ugh. I suppose I've just been stumbling through the last few months without really paying attention to half of what was going on inside my head. Well it definitely flooded out on Tuesday where I spent until 2 a.m. incoherently spilling my issues to no less than 4 people. I broke down again and again until I finally found solace in the early early morning. And then I cared so little about anything that I didn't get out of bed most of Weds. My mom thinks I hit rock bottom, but I think I could probably tunnel a little deeper and THAT is the scary part. I have a little girl and parents whose lives are directly affected by actions and inactions. If I stop caring about me, what happens to them? I could probably go so far as to say I have a handful of friends who would be either disgusted or hurt by my behavior lately as well. Since we all know I am completely unable to do things for myself, I may as well try to do something for all the other people who care. So that concludes the introspective part of my posting.In brighter news, Emily Dawn has her first boyfriend. How cute is that?! His name is Jacob Lane and he is 10 days older than her. On Thursday he found her squatting on the playground and went over to inspect, so I assume, what she was doing. Upon his leaning in Emi looked up and gave him a big kiss. He immediately jumped up and started spinning. Go Emily! I'm not sure I've ever heard of a woman's kiss causing a man to run in actually circles. Perhaps figuratvely, but not literal circles. I know this is not among my accomplishments.The weekend is now officially started. Graduation is in full swing, which is good b/c it means there are things I can take Em to do to keep her busy. We have a graduation party and possibly a concert tonight and then maybe church and baseball tomorrow. Hopefully I can round up someone to do the concert and baseball with us. I love my kid, but I am usually aching for adult conversation after a few hours with her. Plus, Emi just usually behaves better when we have company.For those that know about my beef with various types of furniture these days, you might like to know that I actually managed to sleep in my own bed last night. Between the sheets and everything. No, I didn't sleep any better than I have been, but yes, I will probably do it again tonight.

Oh there will sooo be aftermath

Giddy as a child. Well, that is a usual characteristic of mine, but this weekend I've barely been contained. I was a just a girl for 48 whole hours; slept too late, stayed up too late, didn't sleep at all and threw in some good times. Don't get me wrong, I love Em and I like all the "grown up" things I try to manage, but this weekend was certainly a nice break. It has been the sweetest surrender containing this moment where I literally crashed into ecstasy wiping all the wistfulness out of every smile. And while the drift back to reality that will culminate in Monday morning has been gentle, I know there will be aftermath. But somehow, this time, I think I might just keep it at bay. Maybe this time I'll let that one moment at least remain unmarred by the guilt and stress and self loathing that usually tear me apart. Just maybe.

Sincerely

"Today was fabulous!" she said with a smile that still isn't big enough to portray the right amount of happiness. And then with softened eyes and a sudden wistfulness she whispered "almost."

And time marches on, but not steadily

It is May. I can't believe it is May. The weeks seem like they've just been dragging by and then they are gone and I wonder where they went. I think part of that is due to me not really sleeping making 2 and 3 days run together into one really long day. But sleep seems to be coming more easily now. I've spent two whole nights in a row sleeping on my bed (on, not in). I have to wash blankets now, but I haven't had to change my sheets so I guess that's the bright side.I signed a lease yesterday and now i'm asking myself why. I thought I was thinking ahead and sparing myself the trouble of finding an apartment at a hectic pace when the house sells. As with so much that I'm doing these days, I realize that this is actually worse. Now, if the house doesn't sell, I am locked into a house payment (by myself) and a lease (by myself). Good job Janice. If all goes well, I'll sell the house next week. If it goes mediocre I won't sell the house right away but I can get a renter for the summer or something. I could just charge the amount to cover my apartment so I won't really be any worse off. The worst that can happen is I either make two payments and drain my savings (what little there is now) and my credit or I pay to break my lease. I've decided I don't really like to think about all this so I'm going to go back to my theory of, I can do whatever I HAVE to do. No really, I can. Really.In other news, I've basically managed to wheedle my way into more emotional trouble. And here's another pat on the back for me. The process of reassuring an old friend that he is indeed wonderful and can indeed win the girl turned in to a big banter session that ended in a proposition more serious than not. Great. I've already maxed out my emotional availability on a former situation and a semi present situation so this is really just pushing the limit. I just never know when to quit. So now I think I've accepted an offer that I am not sure I can follow through with no matter how much history is there. In fact, I don't think I can handle this just because of the history that's there. Unfortunately, I think a refusal of said proposition will result in just as much issue as an acceptance and follow through. I can only hope he gets tied up before I see him again and becomes emotionally unavailable himself. I have now managed to become the typical 20 something bubleheaded flirt. The lesson here, don't try to deflect compliments by returning them and check to make sure everyone in the conversation is on the same page about what's a joke and what isn't.There is actually good news today that, so far, has no bad taste to accompany it. (Wipe that surprised look off your face, I don't complain ALL the time.) I am on a softball team. Not just any softball team. I am on the Victoria Secret College Station softball team. On June 4th we will be competing against the Brazos Valley Firefighter trainees. And oh dear me, but how will a bunch a of lil girls like us defeat those young, buff, high performing firemen? I am so glad you asked. VS store manager, and my personal hero, Jessica, has added some stipulations to the firefighters uniform. They must come dressed in their fire station issued pants, suspenders and hat. And nothing else. NOTHING else. . And they accepted said stipulation. So it is entirely possible that there will no good looking fire-school boys present on June 4, but anticipation is more than half the fun and I do so enjoy having something to look forward to.

Ahh Friday afternoon. So I'm having some ups and downs here lately. Wednesday I was so mad at myself that I was almost on a power trip trying so hard to prove to myself that I'm not weak and can do it all and I don't really need anyone. Then last night I got a call from Ben and actually engaged in intelligent conversation about sex and politics (but not at the same time)of all things which left me feeling pretty good about myself at first and then oddly empty when I had to hang up the phone to go to bed. It was a rather restless night because I am mad at the couch so I sleep on my living room chair. It's a big story about feeling kind of cheap and I can't decide if I'm justified or not. Ben says I'm never justified and to stop beating myself up and I'm almost positive almost everyone would say the same but...well, you all know me. So this morning I started off with a lot of energy, but now the paranoia has returned and I am suddenly trying to hold back tears as I dwell on the fact the everyone has their own lives so no-one's really been available to take me out and celebrate the big entry into A&M and I am completely afraid that I can't really do this even though Tuesday I was positive I could do it all and would do it all and really this huge run-on sentence is only one indication of the way I can't turn off my mind until I have completely run myself down. Sigh. Furthermore, I will be mad at myself later for posting this where Drew and Hava and Clare can see because I just want everyone to think I can handle my life with inhuman perfection and this is just revealing the little girl I have always been. I debated locking my journal, but I've never done that. I just don't like the idea of doing it. I mean if I'm going to take the time to make all my thoughts a reality I might as well do it for an audience. Really I should just keep a journal at home with all my undeveloped emotional spew, but I hate my handwriting and really all those notebooks would just clutter things up. Besides, I generally feel unimportant enough to convince myself that no-one's really going to read this anyway. I have a whopping 4 readers. So now I've run out of time because I have to see Sheila about switching beds and get home so Jesse can go back to work because Heaven forbid he find a convenient way to spend time with his child. So my cover (however transparent) is blown. I'm a small person with no will and no confidence and....sigh. Oh it's just not worth it sometimes.

"Today is just fabulous!" she said her voice losing all traces of bitterness to make room for dripping sarcasm. Yesterday was indeed fabulous and I want to keep it that way always in my mind so I've opted to count the events between 2 and 3 a.m. towards today even though I had not been to bed yet. So I sit here now smilingly answering the phone while in my head caustic remarks dance with the voice that screams "You turn everything you touch to SHIT!" I intend later to blame it all on the rain; the damn fucking rain which never seems to wash anything clean. There is always residue. And thus goes my internal rant which, excluding this one outlet, I intend to keep internal from now on. Paste on smile, end entry, and "Good morning Business Office, this is Janice..."

Feeling bad that I don't feel worse

I have to say folk, I may be pulling out of a slump. I may not, but I may. This week I have stumbled upon unexpected popularity that has been a fantastic ego boost. I hope it lasts and isn't part of a pity kick. I am completely exhausted today due to lack of sleep last night (Thanks Jessica, Hava, Jim and Ben), but am relatively (dare I say) happy. I keep feeling bad that I'm not feeling worse, like my happiness is going to be a personal insult to Jesse. I have run into quit a bit of frustration this week, but haven't been too down. Jessica tells me this is good because she worries I'm going to die on the inside so I can reach my goal of appearing put together and (in a fantasy world) desirable at all times. We'll see what couples therapy does to me next week. In the words of a new found friend, I just don't see it ending well. I'll either shut down or break down. Either way, no mascara that day. I'm a little all over the place today so this post is kind of garbled, but thus is my life these days so I'm sure you can all deal. Ben called yesterday, as I mentioned, and used the phrase "best friend" more than once. I swear, Ben is the best friend I will ever have simply because he publicly displays everything I am on the inside. I am trying my damnedest to get to DC for New Year's and I think we're both kind of excited about it. Yay for plans. Speaking of plans I have a date with jeans shopping, my mom, and several Mary Kay clients. So I am off. Happy Easter everyone.