How to annoy me

Visit the U.S Attorney's office wearing scrub pants and a dirty t-shirt.

How to annoy me

Scrape the inside of my head with a sharp metal hook, apply intense prolonged pressure to my jaw, and paint my teeth with a sticky substance that tastes like envelope glue, THEN tell me for the rest of the day I may not consume anything hot, hard, sticky or ALCOHOLIC. And you wonder why I hate going to the dentist.

How to annoy me

Think for even one second that you can sell me $175 jeans while you are popping your gum just inches from my face.

How to annoy me

Turn my grocery bags into a game of "what doesn't belong?" Let's see if you can spot the misfit. Or two.
Bag 1: bread, Vicks Vapo-rub, Children's Motrin, candy, panyhose
Bag 2: raisin bran, Kelloggs Pop-Tarts, block of cheddar, eight pots of lipgloss
Bag 3: bratwurst, yogurt
Bag 4: potato chips, chuck roast
Bag 5: mushrooms, plums, bananas, toothpaste, can of tuna, hair conditioner, avocado

Seriously people!? Bread goes by itself! Okay, maybe with the chips, but then the chips cannot, should not go in a sack with RAW MEAT. Ditto for the yogurt. I even arrange the items on the conveyor belt in the order they should be bagged. This is not rocket science.

How to annoy me

Add an S to a proper noun for no apparent reason. It is Victoria's Secret, not Victoria Secrets; Barnes and Noble, not Barnes and Nobles; New Braunfels, not New Bronze-fuls. Ugh.

How to annoy me

Decide 45 degrees is an optimal temperature for wearing your micro-mini and stilettos.  I don't care how acclimated you are to the climate, bundling yourself in four layers from the crotch up does not ensure your bare legs will remain warm.  Can't you look down and see that part of you has turned into a blueberry?!

How to annoy me

Tell me my dress reminds you of Batman. Because Batman so totally wore brown ruffles. And shoes that are a "little bit Betty Boop."

How to annoy me

Tell me my shoes are a little bit Betty Boop. Well your shoes are a little bit orthopedic.

How to annoy me

Who came up with the tag-line "Have a happy period?"

How to annoy me

Have you tried to buy toilet paper lately? It's nearly impossible. You can, however, purchase "bath tissue." Like there is some person sitting around saying "our customers find that wiping their behinds with toilet paper is offensive. No one wants to think of those big fluffy rolls as something associated with defecation. From here on out, we shall refer to our product as "bath tissue." Now, doesn't that sound much nicer?"