"Today is just fabulous!" she said her voice losing all traces of bitterness to make room for dripping sarcasm. Yesterday was indeed fabulous and I want to keep it that way always in my mind so I've opted to count the events between 2 and 3 a.m. towards today even though I had not been to bed yet. So I sit here now smilingly answering the phone while in my head caustic remarks dance with the voice that screams "You turn everything you touch to SHIT!" I intend later to blame it all on the rain; the damn fucking rain which never seems to wash anything clean. There is always residue. And thus goes my internal rant which, excluding this one outlet, I intend to keep internal from now on. Paste on smile, end entry, and "Good morning Business Office, this is Janice..."

Feeling bad that I don't feel worse

I have to say folk, I may be pulling out of a slump. I may not, but I may. This week I have stumbled upon unexpected popularity that has been a fantastic ego boost. I hope it lasts and isn't part of a pity kick. I am completely exhausted today due to lack of sleep last night (Thanks Jessica, Hava, Jim and Ben), but am relatively (dare I say) happy. I keep feeling bad that I'm not feeling worse, like my happiness is going to be a personal insult to Jesse. I have run into quit a bit of frustration this week, but haven't been too down. Jessica tells me this is good because she worries I'm going to die on the inside so I can reach my goal of appearing put together and (in a fantasy world) desirable at all times. We'll see what couples therapy does to me next week. In the words of a new found friend, I just don't see it ending well. I'll either shut down or break down. Either way, no mascara that day. I'm a little all over the place today so this post is kind of garbled, but thus is my life these days so I'm sure you can all deal. Ben called yesterday, as I mentioned, and used the phrase "best friend" more than once. I swear, Ben is the best friend I will ever have simply because he publicly displays everything I am on the inside. I am trying my damnedest to get to DC for New Year's and I think we're both kind of excited about it. Yay for plans. Speaking of plans I have a date with jeans shopping, my mom, and several Mary Kay clients. So I am off. Happy Easter everyone.

Please don't

Please don't ask me if there have been any changes, I cannot keep up anymore...there are always changes, none have been good.Please don't be too specific or generous in your compliments, I won't be gracious in accepting them.Even if you are a nice old man please don't stop mid sentence during your conversation with someone else to comment that my eyes are the most beautiful you've seen, due to the previous bestower of said compliment they will well up and completely ruin my mascara.Please don't be too nice, I'll be too grateful and you'll regret how much I lean on you later.Please don't inform me now of some obscure crush you had on me in high school, high school has been over for some time now.Please don't say things like "I thought I'd missed my chance."Please don't let me play constantly with the callous on the inside of my finger.Please don't ask when I will start dating again and really don't ask when he'll start dating again or if he already is.Please don't pity me, I do not have time to break down at the sight of your sympathetic look.I promise I'll be okay. I promise I will let you know when I finally break down, I will need you there and want you there.

One day at a time

So you will all be happy know that i am making it. Sometimes I am even having fun. This life is totally different from anything else I am used to and I actually kind of like it. You know how little kids like to play house? Well people who are always taken care of like to take care of themselves sometimes. I feel kind of like a real grown up. The tables have completely turned. Jesse wants to come home and I just can't let him. I can't see rekindling the flame without feeling the burn. He's almost made me stop loving him. How sad and childish is that. So much for feeling like a grown up.Everyone who knows wants me to work at saving this marriage,but...there is just a bunch of buts. Jesse was right we he talked about how unhappy I was. I didn't even realize I was so unhappy all the time. Don't worry though, even if I'm doing it with the wrong attitude I'm still going to therapy with him (if the doctor ever calls back). I just don't see it happening. Sigh.

The courageous entry

A few weeks ago a friend of mine was saying she just didn't understand people with live journals. She said it took a lot of guts to put oneself out there like that. I literally looked at her like she was nuts. People on paper can be almost fictional. They can totally choose to paint whatever picture they want. I don't really think I do that, but I do try really hard to not come off as whiny in my entries. One because I don't want people to think I'm bitching all the time, and two because I don't want to look back on my journals and hate myself for whining all the time. But know, something deeply personal has affected my life and it is taking a lot of courage for me to put it out here. See how I am delaying?Jesse has decided to leave me. Believe me when I say the humiliation of my failed marriage is overwhelming. I've only told a few people, and since I only have a three-person lj fan-base, I guess I'm really not telling that many more. I have never felt so alone in my life. He made the decision about a month ago, but Monday was when he finally started moving. He has been sleeping at his new apartment the last few nights, but his stuff has only left a little at a time. Do you know that you can have a whole houseful of things, but just having an actual body move out suddenly makes every room seem completely empty. The spaces on the wall between pictures and paintings just seem huge and corners seem to go on forever. Emily noticed yesterday that all of his clothes were missing from the closet and just pointed and cried. It maybe lasted a minute, but it was the slowest death possible.

And just when office life couldn't get any worse several comments were made about how sad it is when a person is married with kids at 22 and hasn't even moved away from their home town.

And here I am again

My LJ fans are getting so spoiled - all two of you. Lauren is sick this morning so I am covering the front for a few hours. I've been productive though so it is going by fairly quickly. Hopefully I can go back to my desk soon so I can have a snack. I'm starving and not quit sure I'll make it until my 1 o'clock lunch.Dana and Stuart came over last night because their Christmas gift FINALLY came in. We got them a bottle of Crown Royal and had the bag personalized. At first I thought Stuart hated it or was insulted but he gave us hugs so I guess it wasn't too bad. They had to leave early so they could go pick up a suit for Stuart to interview in today. He is at his third interview so I hope all goes well. I've seen Dana three out of the past four days and I think I need a little break from her. Sometimes she just rubs me the wrong way. She really embarrassed me at La Bodrinkie and i really wanted to say something, but Jesse talked me out of it. He suggested I try to get her to talk about her problems instead so I took her to the mall where she called me snippity because I got a little sarcastic with her. Then at dinner last night Stuart was talking about a client named Nathaniel and we figured out he was talking about Nathaniel BEAR and it was al just crazy. That really doesn't have anything to do with Dana, but some of you will understand why that would bring my evening down.Emi was so cute last night. She has been so tired lately, but not wanting to go to bed. Usually this would result in having a fit, but she's just wanted to stay up late and cuddle. Last night was a little rough because we made her go to bed on time after actually cuddling with her late over the weekend. She was still super cute! I love my kid.The big event of the weekend was me resubmitting y TAMU app. I'll need all kinds of luck to get in and then more luck to help me afford it. I just keep telling myself it will be best in the long run.Hoping for the best (I think),J-